Anhadonia
Anhadonia is my new address in the United States of Being. Today is my....... or should I say was our wedding anniversary. At 5:30 PM, this past Friday, when I reached the 4th level of the parking in the building that I work in.... as soon as I safely walked out of the elevator and heard the doors shut behind me. I started to cry. I cried so much that I startled myself and turned to see if another woman was also crying right behind me. There was no one else there but me... the Queen of Sorrow. I cannot believe the direction that my life has taken, like a kamikaze train insanely derailed and free falling down a cliff. Shattered into a million pieces upon impact and killing all in its wake. He has moved on, and from what I hear much more easily and successfully then I. Literally. I really need to get back on anti-depressants. For a while, I was so full of rage that it fueled me to wake up every morning. I am still angry and resentful but not consumed by it like I was. Now I am like a drunk who has sobered up and is blinking in shock at the wreckage of my life around me. I forgot the woman I used to be. I barely look in mirrors and if I do catch a glance........ I see a stranger staring back at me. I am numb. When I am not working I rarely leave the house and spend most of my time in bed. When I get home from work. I do not turn any lights on. I do what I need to do with the remaining light of day until it darkens and then lay in my bed with the overhead fan and air conditioning until I fall asleep. I must say that with my new self imposed schedule, my electric utility bill is so much less. Okay....... I know. Get over it. Someone I know reminds me almost daily..... It is what it is.