F is for fanscript, fury, and feeding frenzy
DISCLAIMERS
- This script is a satirical protest against the recent format changes on Sesame Street, especially the way that "classic" characters get shoehorned into roles that conflict with their original personality. If you or your children are fans of the new-style show, do not read any further.
- Some names and characters in this script are trademarked and/or copyrighted by Sesame Workshop. My use of those names and characters is NOT intended to challenge their protected status. (In the United States of America, fair-use laws also protect derivative parodies like this one.)
- This script contains some destructive, violent behavior which may offend readers: it would probably earn a "PG" rating on American film or a "Y7" rating on American television.
[A styrofoam F stands on the pillar from the typical Season 36 "Letter of the Day" set. Cookie Monster enters from right, grumbling defiantly ad-lib. On spotting the letter, Cookie begins his monologue:]
"Me know this not cookie, this letter of day...Prairie tell me a hundred times already this season. Anyway...this letter [Cookie points to it] called letter F. There lots of words that start with F: me show you some now.
[Each quoted word appears onscreen in lowercase, with the initial F highlighted, as Cookie speaks it.]
"Feeling" start with F...this show talk about feelings a lot, so me tell you how this job make me feel. Me sick and tired of teaching alphabet and nutrition all the time: writers no let me talk about anything else since show changed. That not "fair", so it make me "furious". Oh...what "furious" mean? It mean really, really MAD!
[Cookie glares at the camera, rolling his eyes and shaking his fist.]
Back to letter of day now...What else start with F? Well, "fake" is F-word too: whenever me push healthy food on TV, when me say fruit better than cookie, me feel like BIG fake. Me monster, darn it! Fruit and veggies better for kids, but monsters eat anything and not get sick.
Oh yes--F also for "fired". That mean producers make me quit job, but me no care...."Forget" producers, me "finished" with Sesame Street "forever" after me take lunch break!
[Cookie Monster attacks the F, devouring it noisily as usual.]
Now for desert...camera no start with F, but it all me can find here!
[He lunges for the camera, knocking it over and eating it piece by piece; the gobbling noises continue, but are eventually overpowered by the static of an empty white screen.]