'Cause I don't shine if you don't shine....
How do you inspire someone to live up to their potential when their very will to live is being drained from them each and every day?
I woke up about 10 minutes before my alarm went off this morning and laid under the covers in kevin's arms until that awful, awful screeching sound woke him up. When he opened his eyes, what I saw nearly broke my heart. It was, just…Hopelessness. And all of the sudden, I was sixteen again, crying and screaming and begging my mother to let me stay home from that educational concentration camp I was forced to go to everyday of my life for thirteen years.
All of this growing up bullshit…the apathy and the numbness and the longing and the guilt…He's going through it too. And it makes me feel so awful because I would give anything to not feel this way anymore…But I would feel like this forever if it meant I could save him from it.
He's so fucking brilliant. He's so brilliant that it scares me sometimes and makes me wonder if I'm good enough for him. And it's being wasted. Kevin should be a best selling author by now, or he should be a leading the revolution for the change we want to see in the world. Or god, just SOMETHING. He shouldn't be working at ETS. He's a genius…He shouldn't be answering phones. He's got such big dreams and such great potential to realize them, but living like this is just sucking the life right out of him. He's so strong, and this is just breaking him, little by little.
This is so much harder on him than it is on me, with Scott and Blaise being so far away. Mike and Pat don't help because they're growing up and slipping away too, only they're slipping away contently. These people were his family. They were my family too, but not like they were Kevin's. They were only my family for a few years...they were Kevin's family for his entire adolesence. After everything that happened this summer between Blaise and Scott and Lilly, I doubt we will ever be able to be in the same room again much less the same side of the country. We will never be a family again. I tried and I tried and I tried. I tried to stop it from falling apart and I tried to put it back together once it had gone to pieces…but it's gone. Lilly will never forgive Scott and Blaise will never be sorry for sleeping with Lilly and Scott will never stand up to either of them. Blaise will never stop being a selfish self centered asshole and, not that I was ever close with Mike or Pat at all, but Kevin knows they will never be the people they used to be. Blaise is never coming back. Lilly and Scott will never love eachother. That's all there is. That's it. So what do we do now? I know that this is hurting Kevin so much more than it is hurting me….He is never going to have that safe place to go back to that these people used to create for him.
I just wish I could go back to the summer we met….that was such a magical time. We were all so happy and what was more important, we were together….and Kevin and I will never have anything like that again. This routine is killing us both.
I wish I knew how to make it better for him.
I woke up about 10 minutes before my alarm went off this morning and laid under the covers in kevin's arms until that awful, awful screeching sound woke him up. When he opened his eyes, what I saw nearly broke my heart. It was, just…Hopelessness. And all of the sudden, I was sixteen again, crying and screaming and begging my mother to let me stay home from that educational concentration camp I was forced to go to everyday of my life for thirteen years.
All of this growing up bullshit…the apathy and the numbness and the longing and the guilt…He's going through it too. And it makes me feel so awful because I would give anything to not feel this way anymore…But I would feel like this forever if it meant I could save him from it.
He's so fucking brilliant. He's so brilliant that it scares me sometimes and makes me wonder if I'm good enough for him. And it's being wasted. Kevin should be a best selling author by now, or he should be a leading the revolution for the change we want to see in the world. Or god, just SOMETHING. He shouldn't be working at ETS. He's a genius…He shouldn't be answering phones. He's got such big dreams and such great potential to realize them, but living like this is just sucking the life right out of him. He's so strong, and this is just breaking him, little by little.
This is so much harder on him than it is on me, with Scott and Blaise being so far away. Mike and Pat don't help because they're growing up and slipping away too, only they're slipping away contently. These people were his family. They were my family too, but not like they were Kevin's. They were only my family for a few years...they were Kevin's family for his entire adolesence. After everything that happened this summer between Blaise and Scott and Lilly, I doubt we will ever be able to be in the same room again much less the same side of the country. We will never be a family again. I tried and I tried and I tried. I tried to stop it from falling apart and I tried to put it back together once it had gone to pieces…but it's gone. Lilly will never forgive Scott and Blaise will never be sorry for sleeping with Lilly and Scott will never stand up to either of them. Blaise will never stop being a selfish self centered asshole and, not that I was ever close with Mike or Pat at all, but Kevin knows they will never be the people they used to be. Blaise is never coming back. Lilly and Scott will never love eachother. That's all there is. That's it. So what do we do now? I know that this is hurting Kevin so much more than it is hurting me….He is never going to have that safe place to go back to that these people used to create for him.
I just wish I could go back to the summer we met….that was such a magical time. We were all so happy and what was more important, we were together….and Kevin and I will never have anything like that again. This routine is killing us both.
I wish I knew how to make it better for him.