An Animal Rescuer's Voicemail Message
Hello, You have reached 123-4567, Tender Hearts Rescue. Due to the
high volume of calls we have been receiving, please listen closely to
the following options and choose the one that best describes you or
your situation:
Press 1 if you think we are veterinarians and want free medical
advice.
Press 2 if you know we are a rescue organization but want to save
money and have us give you free, untrained medical advice anyway.
Press 3 if you make $200,000 a year but still want us to pay to spay
the "stray" in your yard (house).
Press 4 if you have a 10-year-old cat and your 15-year-old son has
suddenly become allergic and you need to find the dog a new home
right away.
Press 5 if you have three cats, had a baby and want to get rid of
your dogs because you are the only person in the world to have a baby
and cats at the same time.
Press 6 if your cat is sick and needs a vet but you need the money
for your vacation.
Press 7 if you just got a brand new kitten and your old cat is having
problems adjusting so you want to get rid of the old one right away.
Press 8 if your little kitten has grown up and is no longer small and
cute and you want to trade it in for a new model.
Press 9 if you are elderly and want to adopt a cute kitten who is not
active and is going to outlive you.
Press 10 if your relative has died and you don't want to care for
their elderly cats because they don't fit your lifestyle.
Press 11 if you are moving today and need to immediately place your
150 pound, 8-year-old, unaltered, aggressive dog.
Press 12 if you want an unpaid volunteer to come to your home today
and pick up the animal you no longer want.
Press 13 if you have been feeding and caring for a "stray" for the
last three years, are moving and suddenly determine it's not your
pet.
Press 14 if you are calling at 6 a.m. to make sure you wake me up
before I have to go to work so you can drop a pet off on your way to
work.
Press 15 to leave us an anonymous garbled message, letting us know
you have left an animal in our yard in the middle of January, which
is in fact, better than just leaving the animal with no message.
Press 16 if you are going to get angry because we are not going to
take your pet that you have had for fifteen years, because it is not
our responsibility.
Press 17 if you are going to threaten to take your ten year old cat
to be euthanized because we can't get to your house in the next hour.
Press 18 if you're going to get angry because the volunteer had the
audacity to go on vacation and leave the animals in care of another
trusted volunteer who is not authorized to take your personal pet.
Press 19 if you want one of the perfectly trained, housebroken, kid
and cat friendly purebred tiny dogs that we have an abundance of.
Press 20 if you want us to take your dog that has a slight aggression
problem, i.e. has only bitten a few people and killed your neighbor's
cats.
Press 21 if you have already called once and been told we don't take
personal surrenders but thought you would get a different person this
time with a different answer.
Press 22 if you want us to use space that would go to a stray to
board your personal pet while you are on vacation, free of charge, of
course.
Press 23 if it is Christmas Eve or Easter morning and you want me to
deliver an eight week old puppy to your house by 6:30 am before your
kids wake up.
Press 24 if you have bought your children a duckling, chick, or baby
bunny for Easter and it is now Christmas and no longer cute.
Press 25 if you want us to take your female dog/cat who has already
had ten litters, but we can't spay her because she is pregnant again and
it is against your religion.
Press 26 if you're lying to make one of our younger volunteers feel
bad and take your personal pet off your hands.
Press 27 if your cat is biting and not using the litter box because
it is declawed, but are not willing to accept the responsibility that
the cat's behavior is altered because of your nice furniture.
Press 28 if your two year old male cat is marking all over your house
but you just haven't gotten around to having him neutered.
Press 29 if you previously had an outdoor only cat and are calling
because she is suddenly pregnant.
Press 30 if you have done "everything" to housebreak your dog and
have had no success but you don't want to crate the dog because it is
cruel.
Press 31 if you didn't listen to the message asking for an evening
phone number and you left your work number when all volunteers are
also working and you are angry because no one called you back.
Press 32 if you need a puppy immediately and cannot wait because
today is your daughter's birthday and you forgot when she was born.
Press 33 if your pet's coat doesn't match your new furniture and you
need a different color or breed.
Press 34 if your new love doesn't like your pet and you are too
stupid to get rid of the new friend (who will dump you in the next
month anyway) instead of the pet.
Press 35 if you went through all these 'presses' and didn't hear
enough. This press will connect you to the sounds of tears being shed
by one of our volunteers who is holding a discarded old dog while the
vet mercifully frees him from the grief of missing his family
high volume of calls we have been receiving, please listen closely to
the following options and choose the one that best describes you or
your situation:
Press 1 if you think we are veterinarians and want free medical
advice.
Press 2 if you know we are a rescue organization but want to save
money and have us give you free, untrained medical advice anyway.
Press 3 if you make $200,000 a year but still want us to pay to spay
the "stray" in your yard (house).
Press 4 if you have a 10-year-old cat and your 15-year-old son has
suddenly become allergic and you need to find the dog a new home
right away.
Press 5 if you have three cats, had a baby and want to get rid of
your dogs because you are the only person in the world to have a baby
and cats at the same time.
Press 6 if your cat is sick and needs a vet but you need the money
for your vacation.
Press 7 if you just got a brand new kitten and your old cat is having
problems adjusting so you want to get rid of the old one right away.
Press 8 if your little kitten has grown up and is no longer small and
cute and you want to trade it in for a new model.
Press 9 if you are elderly and want to adopt a cute kitten who is not
active and is going to outlive you.
Press 10 if your relative has died and you don't want to care for
their elderly cats because they don't fit your lifestyle.
Press 11 if you are moving today and need to immediately place your
150 pound, 8-year-old, unaltered, aggressive dog.
Press 12 if you want an unpaid volunteer to come to your home today
and pick up the animal you no longer want.
Press 13 if you have been feeding and caring for a "stray" for the
last three years, are moving and suddenly determine it's not your
pet.
Press 14 if you are calling at 6 a.m. to make sure you wake me up
before I have to go to work so you can drop a pet off on your way to
work.
Press 15 to leave us an anonymous garbled message, letting us know
you have left an animal in our yard in the middle of January, which
is in fact, better than just leaving the animal with no message.
Press 16 if you are going to get angry because we are not going to
take your pet that you have had for fifteen years, because it is not
our responsibility.
Press 17 if you are going to threaten to take your ten year old cat
to be euthanized because we can't get to your house in the next hour.
Press 18 if you're going to get angry because the volunteer had the
audacity to go on vacation and leave the animals in care of another
trusted volunteer who is not authorized to take your personal pet.
Press 19 if you want one of the perfectly trained, housebroken, kid
and cat friendly purebred tiny dogs that we have an abundance of.
Press 20 if you want us to take your dog that has a slight aggression
problem, i.e. has only bitten a few people and killed your neighbor's
cats.
Press 21 if you have already called once and been told we don't take
personal surrenders but thought you would get a different person this
time with a different answer.
Press 22 if you want us to use space that would go to a stray to
board your personal pet while you are on vacation, free of charge, of
course.
Press 23 if it is Christmas Eve or Easter morning and you want me to
deliver an eight week old puppy to your house by 6:30 am before your
kids wake up.
Press 24 if you have bought your children a duckling, chick, or baby
bunny for Easter and it is now Christmas and no longer cute.
Press 25 if you want us to take your female dog/cat who has already
had ten litters, but we can't spay her because she is pregnant again and
it is against your religion.
Press 26 if you're lying to make one of our younger volunteers feel
bad and take your personal pet off your hands.
Press 27 if your cat is biting and not using the litter box because
it is declawed, but are not willing to accept the responsibility that
the cat's behavior is altered because of your nice furniture.
Press 28 if your two year old male cat is marking all over your house
but you just haven't gotten around to having him neutered.
Press 29 if you previously had an outdoor only cat and are calling
because she is suddenly pregnant.
Press 30 if you have done "everything" to housebreak your dog and
have had no success but you don't want to crate the dog because it is
cruel.
Press 31 if you didn't listen to the message asking for an evening
phone number and you left your work number when all volunteers are
also working and you are angry because no one called you back.
Press 32 if you need a puppy immediately and cannot wait because
today is your daughter's birthday and you forgot when she was born.
Press 33 if your pet's coat doesn't match your new furniture and you
need a different color or breed.
Press 34 if your new love doesn't like your pet and you are too
stupid to get rid of the new friend (who will dump you in the next
month anyway) instead of the pet.
Press 35 if you went through all these 'presses' and didn't hear
enough. This press will connect you to the sounds of tears being shed
by one of our volunteers who is holding a discarded old dog while the
vet mercifully frees him from the grief of missing his family