A play...
Characters:
Gods:
Apollo
Hades
Hephaestus
Demeter
Hermes
Charon
Nicodemus
Chorus of Dead
Scene 1
(Seated in a thrown of black marble surrounded by white light the god Apollo sits and talks with Hades.)
Apollo: Now I do not wish to be a pest my dear fellow, but I cannot help but wonder about the employment of those marvellous nymphs that swim in your river Styx.
Hades: And my friend, what is it that fascinates you so about these creatures?
Apollo: Well… to be honest I do not see why such lovely creatures deign to grace the waters of such a foul area such as the Styx when their beauty far surpasses many of the gods in which I loaf with!
Hades: My dear Apollo, your efforts as a prophet at Delphi are wasted. You would be the best used chariot salesman in the whole of Greece for you can make a sack of goat droppings smell like honey. The wenches of whom you speak are more suited to the likes of Pan and his animal friends.
Apollo: You would give them into my care then? Surely there can be no purpose served by hiding these creatures away in the underworld?
Hades: Now listen Apollo, if I were to give them to you I would have to drop the fare across the river, for the sinners of mortals would have nothing to look upon before entering my fun park of frivolities and questionable activities.
Apollo: Then what must I do to enable these deprived beauties to come into my possession? Perhaps a quest? However it seams to me to be over egging the pudding for just a couple of nymphs.
Hades: You are right I could not have a dear friend of mine sent on an arduous task such as Perseus, I imagine you would go insane at having to listen to an oaf like Dictys. I shall tell you what I will do. I grow tiresome of my paltry surroundings down there in the underworld. If you were to convince Hephaestus to build me a palace which would rival even that of Zeus and Demeter to grow for me a field of wheat say two square stadia, I would give you the entire population of the river Styx.
Apollo: Then it is settled. I shall begin at once to persuade our fellow god Hephaestus to begin work in your realm. And my dear Demeter will no doubt jump at the chance to titivate her daughter’s surroundings… I bid you good day, my dear friend.
Hades: And a good day to you as well, my dear Apollo.
Chorus: Now the pact is settled, and Apollo speeds
To complete the tasks set by the lord Hades.
A palace and a field of wheat he needs,
To win the prize of his river ladies.
(The two shake hands and go there separate directions.)
Scene 2
(A meeting of the supreme twelve on mount Olympus where Apollo catches up with Hephaestus.)
Apollo: Ah, Hephaestus, my brother, I pray you - abide with me for a moment. There is a favour I have to ask of you.
Hephaestus: And what may that be, dearest brother? Are you sick of Cyrene already? Or was Hyacinthus your latest lover?
Apollo: (sighs) Hyacinthus… Oh how I do miss that boy. And by my own hand he did die. I shall never again choose a mortal lover. The mortals have too curious ways.
Hephaestus: Yes, particularly the practice to so dote their gods. But you wanted to ask a favour of me, brother? Speak it, then, but I will only listen if you tell my future.
Apollo: Again, brother? Very well:
(Dramatically) I see a great wonder, in a dark and gloomy place, created from nothing in less than three days…
Chorus: Apollo is cunning and tells to his brother
What he himself wants the future to be.
Yet are not all prophets the same, we ask you,
Seeing what only they want to see?
Hephaestus: Ahh, I wonder what that could be… And now to your request, my brother.
Apollo: Well, you see, my good friend Hades invited me down to the Underworld to feast with him. It came that we discussed the curious matter of the nymphs that swim in the Styx…
Hephaestus: Oh, Apollo, surely you cannot want those nymphs for yourself? Allow the dead their amusement too. You’re too satyric for your own good.
Apollo: I know, dear brother, it’s always been a failing of mine, I admit. But yes, I was so struck by their beauty that I could not resist but to make a deal with my friend Hades.
Hephaestus: And that may be?
Apollo: Well, Hades wishes that I convince you to build a palace for him in the underworld. The scenery is quite drab down there, you know, all dark and gloomy. And with all those dead down there too…
Hephaestus: A palace for that devil? Amongst all those chthonic imbeciles? I would rather become a mortal than build a palace for that abductor.
Apollo: (slyly) You mean to say you cannot build a palace in the underworld, Hephaestus, god of the forge? Is it that?
Hephaestus: What! I never…
Apollo: Oh, it is quite all right, brother, if you think that this is beyond your expertise.
Hephaestus: You bastard of a god! How dare you accuse me of not being able to build a palace in the underworld! You will see! Hades shall have a magnificent palace before the moon rises twice!
(Hephaestus storms off in a rage, muttering under his breath. Apollo watches him go, satisfied that he has convinced his brother. He calls to Demeter, who has been watching from a distance.)
Chorus: Hephaestus won over, yet Demeter waiting,
Goddess of grain and turning season
Filled with hatred towards the lord Hades,
Tricky to convince to see reason.
Apollo: Demeter! My, you look beautiful today…
Demeter: (dryly) Why how nice of you to notice, Apollo. Yet I fear you want something from me. What is it?
Apollo: Well, you see, my dear Demeter, my good friend Hades and I have struck a deal. If I can persuade Hephaestus, to whom I just spoke, to build a palace in the underworld for him, to which he has agreed already, after some convincing, and you, dear Demeter, to grow him a field of wheat…
Demeter: What, me grow grain for that abductor! Never in my immortal life would I stoop to such a level. I would rather grow wheat for mortals than for him.
Apollo: But surely it would be beneficial to beautify your daughter’s surroundings! Such a rare beauty in such a dark and morbid realm…
Demeter: If it had not been for your friend Hades, my daughter would not have been residing in such a dark and morbid place. Why, I have good mind to persuade Charon to ferry me across the river Styx and lay my hand on the earth and proclaim it infertile for eternity! No grain shall grow in the realm of the dark god.
Apollo: But I’m sure Persephone would love-
Demeter: I am sure Persephone would love to live eternally in the golden fields of Olympus and not spend her days in such a miserable place. My decision is final, Apollo!
Apollo: But my dear Demeter…
(Demeter flounces off, leaving Apollo dumbstruck. From the roof of the meeting place Hermes comes to land softly.)
Chorus: The trickster god Hermes overheard in secret
The feuding of both the gods
What be his motive, unpredictable,
Merely a friend fighting against the odds?
Hermes: It seems you have been having a spot of trouble with Demeter, Apollo.
Apollo: A spot of bother, indeed. That cow will not agree to sow a single field of wheat for my friend Hades in the underworld, and then I he will not grant me the nymphs I so desire!
Hermes: Ah no, my friend. That is not decent of her at all. (He muses for a few seconds.) Tell you what, my friend, how about I try to convince her to grow the fields for Hades? How large should they be?
Apollo: Hades did specify the field must be two square stadia large…
Hermes: Is that all, my friend? Fear you not. I will persuade the lady. A good day to you!
Apollo: And the same to you, my good friend. One can always turn to you in need.
Scene 3
(The Underworld, on the banks of the Styx. Hermes is conversing with Charon. A dead soul, Nicodemus, is loafing around nearby with a few friends, listening to the conversation.)
Hermes: So there they were, Apollo trying to persuade Demeter to grow Hades a two square stadia field of wheat here in this barren world, and Demeter saying she would rather die before running off in a huff. Now here’s where I came in. Dear Apollo, I said, what troubles you? Well, he says, I have a deal with Hades that if I can convince Demeter to sow him a field of wheat and Hephaestus to build him a palace down here, I can have those wenches in the Styx. But Demeter won’t agree. Well, my friend, let me try to convince her, I say. Leave it all to me.
Charon: And? Have you convinced the lady?
Hermes: (scoffs) Oh, I wouldn’t even try to convince Demeter to do anything for that scumbag Hades. I plan to grow the wheat myself, from this grain I have stolen from Demeter’s temple in Eleusis. (Gestures to two huge sacks of wheat next to him.) The stores are immense, more than enough for my purpose. And I am the patron of thieves, am I not?
Charon: Ah, and I know just the place for you to plant this wheat, my friend. Just around the river’s bend, here. Come, I will ferry you there. On second thoughts… I’ll get that loafing corpse over there to row for us. Ho, you there!
Nicodemus: Yes?
Charon: Row us down the river. You shall be paid an obol.
Nicodemus: What use do we dead have for obols? Money blinds the dead even more than the living. There’s nothing down here even vaguely interesting except for those nymphs and the oddities death brings. Now of course, if we at least had somewhere decent to live whilst here in hell… But I’ll row, seeing as I have nothing better to do. They say that one shall be rewarded for good deeds that one does, even if it is rowing for a lazy ferryman.
Charon: Lazy? Not at all, just lethargic. Good man. Now, Hermes, this whole bare area coming up here. Would it not be the perfect place for a secret wheat field? Perfectly hidden, and large enough to grow enough wheat to feed an army…
Hermes: Ah, the land is very well suited indeed, Charon. I shall begin to sow at once.
Charon: Good bye, then. Have fun sowing.
(Hermes busies himself with sowing and when finished, flies off.)