Closed to John, for H&M

[island_juliet]

Juliet's been on edge, with James' birthday and the holidays coming, it feels like everything is conspiring to make her miserable. All the stupid holiday romantic comedies with couples reunited, and the plans of families getting together. It's all conspired to make her angry. But when she started crying over 'I'll be Home for Christmas' at the

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[yippiekiyaymf]

John, for his part, had been in a mood since the zombie attacks -- at least once the initial elation of surviving had subsided, and the paperwork with all it's hindsight (all the people missing, presumed dead, and how many of those had he killed, and could he have found a way to save them?) had taken it's place.

He knew Juliet was upset, but he didn't know how to help her. He was so deep in his own stuff he had no leverage to lift her out. He was worried that this failing of his, never knowing what the hell to say, having to withdraw emotionally because men don't cry, and they can't just go around punching things, was going to push Juliet away as it had Holly.

He didn't realize how much he expected that to happen until he saw Juliet sitting on the couch, granted it was her room, but she was wearing on of his shirts which was not an 'I'm leaving' gesture, and the sight left him weak-kneed with relief

[island_juliet]

As soon as he walks in, she can tell by the air in the room that something isn't right, that he's hurting somewhere, for some reason, and she puts her book aside when he sits down next to her.

She knows that he's trying to help her, and she's pretty sure it's not fair, the way she expects him to carry her all of the time. Moving close to him, she curls up into his side, knowing inherently that she's needed.

"Hi," she says quietly, resting her head on his chest.

[yippiekiyaymf]

Her action takes him by surprise. He takes in a breath, a painful sounding one, like the one that comes before a sob. No sob comes out; he clenches his throat and teeth around it, closes his eyes tight, wraps his arms around her, and buries his nose in her hair.

[island_juliet]

"It's okay," she says quietly, tenderly kissing his chest. She looks up at him, fingers trailing across his face softly.

"You can let me take care of you, you know."

[yippiekiyaymf]

He looks up -- it's hard, he's not supposed to show his pain, but acting the way men are 'supposed' to act never really worked out for him in the long run, not where it mattered. So even though it's hard, he'd rather strip in public, he meets her eyes.

He's not quite sure what to say, pretty sure it will be wrong...

"I can't figure out why you haven't left me yet." And that's as much emotional nudity as he can handle right now. He closes his eyes, leans his head against hers.

"I'm not dealing with anything worse than anyone else in this town." That's what he kept telling himself, trying to shame himself out of his mood. It hasn't worked yet.

[island_juliet]

"You can't quantify how you feel by comparing yourself to anyone else, John," she whispers.

"I have a twenty year old patient right now, ready to have her baby in two months, and her boyfriend just disappeared. She has no one. So who has it worse, me or her? I can't...compare how I should be feeling with what she's feeling, or because maybe her circumstance is a little crappier than mine. You're allowed to feel exactly how you feel."

She rests her head on his chest again. "It doesn't make you any less of a man if you need to cry."

[yippiekiyaymf]

"I hate that I can't help. I can't help you, I can't help that other girl, and I sure as hell can't help those people I chopped up. I should have found some other way...found some way to just lock them up until the cure happened." And all of those things were simmering together in a big stew of failure in John's head.

[island_juliet]

Juliet looks up at him, one of her hands cradling his face.

"You keep me from waking up screaming. You're here to hug me when I need it. You're here for Peewee," she says with a soft smile, adopting his nickname for the baby. "You're here and John, I can't tell you how much that helps because there aren't enough words. Maybe I just...hoped you knew, but obviously you don't. Because you help so damn much."

She shakes her head.

"I shot a lot of those...people. And for all we knew, there wouldn't be a cure. That one just...that's...you couldn't change what was happening."

[yippiekiyaymf]

There is so much that he feels in response to that, that he is helpless to voice any of it. He just searches her eyes with his. Finally, one thought distills itself into words.

"What would I do without you?"

[island_juliet]

Her lips press against his forehead, then she closes her eyes and just breathes him in.

"What were you doing before without me?" she asks softly.

[yippiekiyaymf]

"Existing, just...keeping myself in a box till there was a problem, and no one else around to solve it, climbing out, dealing with it, then getting patted on the back, called a hero, and going back into the box."

[island_juliet]

Juliet looks at him seriously, then buries her face against his neck.

"Maybe now that box doesn't have to be as empty. Because you don't have to be alone. You're not alone, John."

[yippiekiyaymf]

He can't say anything to that, he just puts a hand on her chin and tilts her face up to kiss her, deeply, hungrily, desperately.

"Love you, so much, Babe," he manages to say, before he has to do it again.

[island_juliet]

Juliet's almost in his lap, and she kisses him back, wrapping her arms around him. "I love you," she murmurs against his mouth, doing whatever it takes to make damn well sure he knows it. That he's not alone. That she can take care of him as much as he takes care of her.

[yippiekiyaymf]

There is a struggle within John -- he is supposed to be the strong one, the giver, but it is a short one, deep down he knows that a one-sided relationship is doomed. He will take this help and be grateful -- very, very grateful.

"Keep me, Baby, please keep me."

[island_juliet]

"I will, John," she says softly, nuzzling his neck. "I love you," she whispers quietly, resting her forehead against his.