(no subject)
hey..well no ones written in the journal lately.. guess..no one really wants to huh?...idk i guess i juss felt like writing something..its been the same thing for like a few weeks now...so yea..well..had a bad night tonight..me and my mom started yelling at each other a the restraunt..but oh well..don't matter right?..hate life..guess i just doin't know how to enjoy it..and somehow..shit always happens..and whenit does ...it juss..screws me up...i can't get over things..and i'm still extrememly sad..but what can i do?..i guess maybe i'm living in the past no?..i know that i let things get to me..but how can i not let it get to me?..this isn't juss some little thing that happened..yea..whoever reads this might be bored of this situation..but do i really care...as things mellowed out during dinner my mom told me..why do you want to stay here for another year? and i told her you know...its my last year..anyway why move?..but she says..well if you're so unhappy why stay?...why not just move somewhere else where you won't have to worry about anything and focus on school..sounds like a good idea to me..cuz obviously i misinterpret of what other people see me as..i guess..or maybe i really am not a good friend?..no?..i'm just really selfish..and people will tell me no jay you're not..but..i think that its true...i mean..there has to be something wrong with me..i'm sure of it..why else would this happen three times?...i still can't get over it.and i know that i won't..she says that she still wants..or she wanted to talk to me..and she very much so wanted to ..but i cuold never tell..i look at her..and have been looking and i can't see anything that says that some sort of a friendship is wanted..am i supposed to approach her?./..but why should i approach her?..what did i do?..i really can't recall anything that i did that would make you angry at me..to the point..of nearly hating me..maybe its selfish of me to say that..hmm..does it make sense?..should it be me...the one to appraoch her..but why do i have to be passive?..is that's what is getting me into trouble with everyone..being so passive?..to think that you were the ones that i trusted the most..the ones that i thought of as my sisters..and..yet..soemthing like this happens...does that make sense to anyone?..to juss look at you drives me crazy..i want to approach you but i don't even know what i'm supposed to say..and why did this all happen because of one fucking guy?...why?..it's just one person..one person in the whole fucking world..why ruin something that was so special and that was moving along so well..why?...why is it i suffer and you don't?..is it becasue i'm too weak?..is it because i'm still stuck on it and i can't move on?..how can you be ok with everything that happened...yea..so i still hang out with tasha..so what..does that mean that i can't be friends with YOU anymore?..what the fuck?..is that all our friendship meant to you...i've always been thinking about what you said..remember when we thought that lenore was going to move to the states and kim was leaving..you siad that it'd juss be the two of us..together..until we graduate...i mean..it was always the four of us..getting into trouble..doing stuff together..yea..ok..people change...but..that has nothing to do with the situation that occured....i mean..did you just say that for the hell of it or did you really mean it?..i'm confused..and hurt...and i know that this feeling...this pain..won't go away..because obviously i still care about our friendship and you...when i told you what kim wanted me to tell you taht one day..did you hate me then?..and do you hate me now?..i mean..maybe i shouldn't care because you don't rite?...i told you becaue i THOUGHT that you might have liked to know..and it was my duty as a friend to let you know...i mean...i try to be a good friend..but..i guess i'm not trying hard enough?..or..is there something that i do that you don't like?..or what....i don't know that you're thinking..all i know is what i see...i mean...this year..i thuoght that i would have you...to be there with me..to be able to stick with me..till the end...to be able to support each other..comfort each other..talk to each other..but..idk..i guess..its gone now...unless you want to change what i think...i guess i'll always have that hope there...just hanging there..waiting..but..idk..if we'll ever know...*sigh*...thinking about the old days...is all i can do now huh?..*sigh*.....