(no subject)
I don't want to keep doing this.
You want me to, and I do, because it makes you happy.
How can you be so selfish?
I sent out a couple applications today. Not that I'll get in, or that I really want to get in, or really care. It'd be nice to give a shit about something. If I've blown you off lately, sorry, but I generally just dont feel like doing anything, or being around a large number of people. I'm supposed to go to Alannah's tonight. I blew her off yesterday cause I felt terrible, and I'll feel like an ass if I do it again tonight, but I just don't want to go. Same reason I didn't go to the super hero party. I woke up in tears yesterday morning for no reason, and cried for about 2 hours straight. I went to work and had to leave because I couldn't pull myself together. I went to andys for a while, and the thoughts that had been plaguing me still would not leave me alone. Sort of like the night at the apartment when I freaked out, but worse. I can't quite explain it. My brain is not being very nice to me. My mother has been driving me crazy. "Are you ok? are you ok?" every five minutes. "I'm fine." NO I'M NOT FUCKING OK! and you know it. so why do you bother asking a question you know the answer to? "You'd tell me if something was bothering you, right? " "sure, mom." No, mom, I wouldn't. A. Because I'm pretty sure you can tell already, and B. Because if I DO confirm your fear that something is wrong, you're only going to SMOTHER ME MORE, if that's possible, and drive me fucking mad. And make me take lots of pills. Which I may have to take anyway.
It's not that my parents are bad people, they're great, but my mom still has not figured out that I'm not 10 years old. I need to get out of my house. My shrink even told me I need out. The only way that'll happen is A. Full-time job B. School. School it is. Even though I dont really think I want to go, I'll probably just fuck it up again. I don't know why I bother. I don't want to be bothered. I just want to disappear. Life has become nothing but a chore that I don't want to do.
You want me to, and I do, because it makes you happy.
How can you be so selfish?
I sent out a couple applications today. Not that I'll get in, or that I really want to get in, or really care. It'd be nice to give a shit about something. If I've blown you off lately, sorry, but I generally just dont feel like doing anything, or being around a large number of people. I'm supposed to go to Alannah's tonight. I blew her off yesterday cause I felt terrible, and I'll feel like an ass if I do it again tonight, but I just don't want to go. Same reason I didn't go to the super hero party. I woke up in tears yesterday morning for no reason, and cried for about 2 hours straight. I went to work and had to leave because I couldn't pull myself together. I went to andys for a while, and the thoughts that had been plaguing me still would not leave me alone. Sort of like the night at the apartment when I freaked out, but worse. I can't quite explain it. My brain is not being very nice to me. My mother has been driving me crazy. "Are you ok? are you ok?" every five minutes. "I'm fine." NO I'M NOT FUCKING OK! and you know it. so why do you bother asking a question you know the answer to? "You'd tell me if something was bothering you, right? " "sure, mom." No, mom, I wouldn't. A. Because I'm pretty sure you can tell already, and B. Because if I DO confirm your fear that something is wrong, you're only going to SMOTHER ME MORE, if that's possible, and drive me fucking mad. And make me take lots of pills. Which I may have to take anyway.
It's not that my parents are bad people, they're great, but my mom still has not figured out that I'm not 10 years old. I need to get out of my house. My shrink even told me I need out. The only way that'll happen is A. Full-time job B. School. School it is. Even though I dont really think I want to go, I'll probably just fuck it up again. I don't know why I bother. I don't want to be bothered. I just want to disappear. Life has become nothing but a chore that I don't want to do.