Fic: If the Battle Don't Kill You (4/5) (Ben/Sun)
Title: If the Battle Don't Kill You
Rating: PG-13
Summary: She doesn't desire Ben, she desires the love she feels from him. It first repulsed her, then confused her, and now the more she sees it, the more she is intoxicated by it. She wants to feel that again, someone loving her, someone looking at her like she is the world. She has come to find she will take it from anyone, and that makes her sad. But she cannot let it go.
Disclaimer: I don't own Lost. At all. I wish, but alas...
Author's Note: This story is a prequel to The Black King and the White Queen. Used for au100, prompt #090: It.
Previous Parts: Part One | Part Two | Part Three
She's kissing him and she doesn't know why. It's wrong; it astounds her how wrong it is. But she doesn't stop. Even though the shame of it, the disgrace to her husband's memory, weighs on her shoulders with a crushing force, she doesn't stop.
Days, weeks, months have passed since Ben's confession in the hospital, since his admission of his love for her, and that time has passed awkwardly and painfully slowly. She feels him looking at her when her back is turned now in a way that she did not before. He doesn't leer, in some ways she thinks maybe that would be better, but simply watches with a quiet adoration that makes Sun want to scream at the top of her voice.
She never knew it could be this painful and this unwelcome to be loved by someone.
This is a surprise, though. She doesn't know why she did it, why she had pulled him to her and closed her eyes to tightly they felt as though they were on fire. Every part of her is combusting, and not in the way that it should. When Jin had touched her, her skin tingled and her heart raced and she felt warm in every inch of her. Now, she is literally burning, ashamed and angry and lonely and heartbroken.
Because she is alone. Alone with this man who fills her with contempt, contempt for what he is and what he is making of her. There have been others who come and go quickly, who do their part in this and then leave. It is always the two of them, and it makes her hate Ben even more. He has made it so that she is in solitude, stuck with him no matter which way she goes. Because she needs him, and he knows it.
Then, if she hates him so, why is she doing this? She asks and asks and asks herself, but there is no answer to be found. Nothing about this, about them together in this house, or what they do when they leave it makes any sense at all. They are exiled from the world here, and she has given a very large part of herself over to that. She never could have imagined, though, that she would give this part of herself to Ben.
She hasn't been with a man since Jin, and she will not be with Ben. But this, the burning, there is something in it that she needs, that she must need because there is no other reason for it. This man, this horrible man, loves her. She sees it every time that she looks at him, knows it every time that he reaches out to touch her, usually in comfort or something like that, but pulls his hand away knowing he will be rejected. It makes her heart race and her breath catch because she doesn't want that love. At least, that is what she had thought, until now.
"You love me?" she asks, with ragged breath and tears just behind her eyes, stinging. She doesn't open them, though. She fears what she will see in his, now of all times. "Do you love me, Ben?" she repeats.
"I love you," he tells her, and she can feel him nodding against her forehead. She lets out a breath that would have been a sob if it were any louder. But that is all that her lungs can manage. The words settle like a weight in her stomach and she feels heavy. He reaches up and puts his hands in her hair, at the side of her face. She lets him because she's already this far gone anyway. "I know you-"
"Stop," she orders, and there's no mistaking it - it is an order. He stops. She shakes her head. "Please don't. Not ever." She doesn't want to hear assurances that he need not love her back. She will not, cannot. It isn't in her. All of her love died with Jin, and had she any left, she could never give it to a man like Ben. But she cannot bear to hear the words.
"Okay," he says. "I promise."
She takes him at his word. Ben is a liar, but so is she. She knows a lie when she hears one. This isn't a lie.
She kisses him again, pulls the fire back into her because, she thinks, it is keeping her alive. She doesn't desire Ben, she desires the love she feels from him. It first repulsed her, then confused her, and now the more she sees it, the more she is intoxicated by it. She wants to feel that again, someone loving her, someone looking at her like she is the world. She has come to find she will take it from anyone, and that makes her sad. But she cannot let it go.
"God," she says, in a way that makes her shame hard to mistake.
"I'm sorry," Ben says, trying to pull away from her because he thinks that is right. Nothing about this is right, but least of all that. She doesn't let him, pulls him back yet again, and this time he stays. He kisses her like he needs to in order to breathe. She knows this will only complicate things, make them worse, and that it is in no way fair to him. But since when has he ever been fair to her? He hides things from her while asking her to risk her life for him. He gives her no answers, lies, and yet expects trust.
At the very least, she thinks, he can give her this. For now, not forever.
"I don't know what I'm doing," she tells him. Who else is there to tell? No one. That's the point.
"Do you have to?" he replies.
She grinds her teeth. "I should," she answers. "If I had any sense at all I never would have followed you in the first place." She thinks about that sometimes. About what would have happened if she had said "no" instead. If she had never gone to that coffee shop with Ben. Where would she be instead of here? "When are you going to do it?" she asks, because she's desperate. "When are you going to give him to me? Why are you dragging this out for so long?"
"These things take time," he answers. She wants to hit him. She almost does. But she holds it back.
"You like this, don't you?" she accuses. "Keeping me in the dark, keeping me alone. With you." She should back up, away from him, out of his arms, but she keeps pressed up against him like he is a wall she is leaning against.
"Any time you want to leave, Sun," he says, looking into her eyes. "I won't stop you. I won't follow you. I won't look for you ever again." She stops breathing. Is that another lie, she wonders. This time, she cannot tell. "It's your choice, Sun, all of it. The door is open."
She thinks of Jin now, in Ben's arms of all places. She thinks of his face, his smile, of how he had looked the last time she had seen him. She remembers the clothes he was wearing, that his watch needed a new battery so he had left it behind, that he had smiled at her on his way out the door, and then that was it. There was nothing left of him after that. It was an explosion, they said. They didn't believe it was accidental, but they couldn't prove it. The case is still open, and Sun knows it will remain that way. People have been bought off, the investigation has stalled. It is over. She plays it over and over in her mind and it is like a film with no ending. She will make that ending, give Jin's memory a resolution, a revenge. No matter what the cost.
"No," she tells him. She shakes her head and orders herself not to cry. Not in front of Ben. She will not allow him to see that kind of weakness in her. He cannot have her tears, they are not for him.
She takes a step back, away, because she is done with the fire. She is numb to it now. This is the first time they have kissed, and she had started it. She wonders with a great deal of trepidation what will happen next, what she has set in motion. She doesn't fear Ben, but she fears that she has fanned the flame of his love, and she doesn't know what will come of that.
"I shouldn't have done this," Sun says, far too late.
"Which part?" Ben asks, leaning back against the wall.
Sun gently backs up against the table behind her and sets her hands on the surface to ground herself. She takes a few deep breaths and shakes her head. She doesn't know how to answer that question.
So she doesn't.
TBC...
Rating: PG-13
Summary: She doesn't desire Ben, she desires the love she feels from him. It first repulsed her, then confused her, and now the more she sees it, the more she is intoxicated by it. She wants to feel that again, someone loving her, someone looking at her like she is the world. She has come to find she will take it from anyone, and that makes her sad. But she cannot let it go.
Disclaimer: I don't own Lost. At all. I wish, but alas...
Author's Note: This story is a prequel to The Black King and the White Queen. Used for au100, prompt #090: It.
Previous Parts: Part One | Part Two | Part Three
She's kissing him and she doesn't know why. It's wrong; it astounds her how wrong it is. But she doesn't stop. Even though the shame of it, the disgrace to her husband's memory, weighs on her shoulders with a crushing force, she doesn't stop.
Days, weeks, months have passed since Ben's confession in the hospital, since his admission of his love for her, and that time has passed awkwardly and painfully slowly. She feels him looking at her when her back is turned now in a way that she did not before. He doesn't leer, in some ways she thinks maybe that would be better, but simply watches with a quiet adoration that makes Sun want to scream at the top of her voice.
She never knew it could be this painful and this unwelcome to be loved by someone.
This is a surprise, though. She doesn't know why she did it, why she had pulled him to her and closed her eyes to tightly they felt as though they were on fire. Every part of her is combusting, and not in the way that it should. When Jin had touched her, her skin tingled and her heart raced and she felt warm in every inch of her. Now, she is literally burning, ashamed and angry and lonely and heartbroken.
Because she is alone. Alone with this man who fills her with contempt, contempt for what he is and what he is making of her. There have been others who come and go quickly, who do their part in this and then leave. It is always the two of them, and it makes her hate Ben even more. He has made it so that she is in solitude, stuck with him no matter which way she goes. Because she needs him, and he knows it.
Then, if she hates him so, why is she doing this? She asks and asks and asks herself, but there is no answer to be found. Nothing about this, about them together in this house, or what they do when they leave it makes any sense at all. They are exiled from the world here, and she has given a very large part of herself over to that. She never could have imagined, though, that she would give this part of herself to Ben.
She hasn't been with a man since Jin, and she will not be with Ben. But this, the burning, there is something in it that she needs, that she must need because there is no other reason for it. This man, this horrible man, loves her. She sees it every time that she looks at him, knows it every time that he reaches out to touch her, usually in comfort or something like that, but pulls his hand away knowing he will be rejected. It makes her heart race and her breath catch because she doesn't want that love. At least, that is what she had thought, until now.
"You love me?" she asks, with ragged breath and tears just behind her eyes, stinging. She doesn't open them, though. She fears what she will see in his, now of all times. "Do you love me, Ben?" she repeats.
"I love you," he tells her, and she can feel him nodding against her forehead. She lets out a breath that would have been a sob if it were any louder. But that is all that her lungs can manage. The words settle like a weight in her stomach and she feels heavy. He reaches up and puts his hands in her hair, at the side of her face. She lets him because she's already this far gone anyway. "I know you-"
"Stop," she orders, and there's no mistaking it - it is an order. He stops. She shakes her head. "Please don't. Not ever." She doesn't want to hear assurances that he need not love her back. She will not, cannot. It isn't in her. All of her love died with Jin, and had she any left, she could never give it to a man like Ben. But she cannot bear to hear the words.
"Okay," he says. "I promise."
She takes him at his word. Ben is a liar, but so is she. She knows a lie when she hears one. This isn't a lie.
She kisses him again, pulls the fire back into her because, she thinks, it is keeping her alive. She doesn't desire Ben, she desires the love she feels from him. It first repulsed her, then confused her, and now the more she sees it, the more she is intoxicated by it. She wants to feel that again, someone loving her, someone looking at her like she is the world. She has come to find she will take it from anyone, and that makes her sad. But she cannot let it go.
"God," she says, in a way that makes her shame hard to mistake.
"I'm sorry," Ben says, trying to pull away from her because he thinks that is right. Nothing about this is right, but least of all that. She doesn't let him, pulls him back yet again, and this time he stays. He kisses her like he needs to in order to breathe. She knows this will only complicate things, make them worse, and that it is in no way fair to him. But since when has he ever been fair to her? He hides things from her while asking her to risk her life for him. He gives her no answers, lies, and yet expects trust.
At the very least, she thinks, he can give her this. For now, not forever.
"I don't know what I'm doing," she tells him. Who else is there to tell? No one. That's the point.
"Do you have to?" he replies.
She grinds her teeth. "I should," she answers. "If I had any sense at all I never would have followed you in the first place." She thinks about that sometimes. About what would have happened if she had said "no" instead. If she had never gone to that coffee shop with Ben. Where would she be instead of here? "When are you going to do it?" she asks, because she's desperate. "When are you going to give him to me? Why are you dragging this out for so long?"
"These things take time," he answers. She wants to hit him. She almost does. But she holds it back.
"You like this, don't you?" she accuses. "Keeping me in the dark, keeping me alone. With you." She should back up, away from him, out of his arms, but she keeps pressed up against him like he is a wall she is leaning against.
"Any time you want to leave, Sun," he says, looking into her eyes. "I won't stop you. I won't follow you. I won't look for you ever again." She stops breathing. Is that another lie, she wonders. This time, she cannot tell. "It's your choice, Sun, all of it. The door is open."
She thinks of Jin now, in Ben's arms of all places. She thinks of his face, his smile, of how he had looked the last time she had seen him. She remembers the clothes he was wearing, that his watch needed a new battery so he had left it behind, that he had smiled at her on his way out the door, and then that was it. There was nothing left of him after that. It was an explosion, they said. They didn't believe it was accidental, but they couldn't prove it. The case is still open, and Sun knows it will remain that way. People have been bought off, the investigation has stalled. It is over. She plays it over and over in her mind and it is like a film with no ending. She will make that ending, give Jin's memory a resolution, a revenge. No matter what the cost.
"No," she tells him. She shakes her head and orders herself not to cry. Not in front of Ben. She will not allow him to see that kind of weakness in her. He cannot have her tears, they are not for him.
She takes a step back, away, because she is done with the fire. She is numb to it now. This is the first time they have kissed, and she had started it. She wonders with a great deal of trepidation what will happen next, what she has set in motion. She doesn't fear Ben, but she fears that she has fanned the flame of his love, and she doesn't know what will come of that.
"I shouldn't have done this," Sun says, far too late.
"Which part?" Ben asks, leaning back against the wall.
Sun gently backs up against the table behind her and sets her hands on the surface to ground herself. She takes a few deep breaths and shakes her head. She doesn't know how to answer that question.
So she doesn't.
TBC...