"The Faculty of Conscious and Especially Of Deliberate Action" Pt.2, Alan Scott, PG-13, 11636 words
Fandom DC COMICS (Justice Society of America/Golden Age Green Lantern)
Title The Faculty of Conscious and Especially Of Deliberate Action
Rating/Warning PG-13/canon suicide, character death
Pairings/Characters Alan Scott/canon partners, Alan Scott/OFC, Alan Scott/Jay Garrick/Joan Williams implied
Spoilers general for the current JLA/JSA crossover
SummaryThe Life and Loves of the Golden Age Green Lantern. For almost 100 years Alan Scott has tried to choose the responsible and right action. He's sometimes succeeded and often failed and now he's forced to face both the joys and demons of his past. Written for comicsbigbang
Disclaimer I own nothing. I make nothing. Alan Scott and ensemble belong to DC Entertainment/Time Warner.
Word Count 11636 total (both parts)
Thanks to afixation and merelyfic. This fic would not have happened without you. I owe you both immense gratitude for sharing your fanon and for help with brainstorming and story structure. ♥♥♥ You guys are the best! Thank you!
Thanks also to fictionalknight and wabbitseason for support at a critical juncture and to buscheaux for the beta.
merelyfic also contributed this amazing piece of art, which says everything I tried to say about Alan in the fic. A picture really does say a thousand words. Go tell her how wonderful and perfect it is!
ON FROM PART ONE!
There was something familiar about her, though he couldn't have told you what it was. The way she carried herself maybe, like she knew everything even if she knew she didn't. Her smell perhaps, like honeysuckle opening in the early morning.
She walked into his office as though she belonged there, had always been there and would always be there. She looked him right in the eye and declared, "I'm Alyx Florin. I'll be your new Executive Secretary." She would? He blinked. He didn't remember hiring her. It must have been John in Human Resources; he did need a new secretary. He hadn't had one he truly liked since Molly left. Perhaps... perhaps he wouldn't make the same mistakes this time.
He nodded, and Miss Florin winked at him before launching into his morning schedule. Her brazen attitude intrigued him and he sat back to watch her. Making note of her details. Her speech was clipped and straight to business, but nothing about her was demure. There was a pinched quality to her mouth, as though she rarely smiled. She wore her pantsuit, with it's padded square shoulders as though it was armor, but the silky camisole she wore beneath the jacket hinted at her feminine figure. Her dark hair fell across her shoulders, framing her face. She wore glasses and he wondered if she needed them, or if they were simply for effect, like her suit.
When she had finished with the calendar, her tongue darted out between her lips. Moist.
Unbidden, his dick hardened in his pants. Alan made a point to study a paperweight on his desk - a bridge - it had been a gift from Molly. A paperweight was an appropriate, impersonal business gift; she had made it personal. That realization stung, even as it didn't help his predicament.
"You should also know," Miss Florin's voice interrupted his thoughts, "we'll be having lunch together today."
"I don't think that's a good --"
"In the park." Her tone broached no argument. She would speak her mind to him, as Molly had done. Not a "yes" woman. He needed that. Not the same mistakes, he'd told himself.
He nodded his approval. "To establish our business relationship. We should be working on the same page.
"That will be all, Miss Florin."
She smiled then. It transformed her face. She was suddenly bright and open. He couldn't help but return the smile.
If he watched her fanny - shapely in her slacks - as she left, it was only proof he was still a man, despite his body's stubborn refusal to age as a man should.
~*~*~*~*~*~
He couldn't say why, but the park seemed especially verdant today, the flowers especially potent. He felt alive with their fragrance. Young.
In the park, Miss Florin fed pigeons. Holding the crumbs aloft with her hand, they came to her. She took off her jacket in the warmth of the sunlight. Her top clung to her curves, proving right his speculation on her figure.
She turned to him then. Caught him watching her. "Mr. Scott!" He expected outrage, but a wicked grin took over her face. She didn't look scandalized, but instead looked him over from his head to his wingtips and back to his face.
"Do you have companionship, Mr. Scott?"
He tried not to look away, but he found he couldn't meet her gaze. "I have what I need, Miss Florin."
"It's Alyx, please." She'd crossed the courtyard and was now less than a foot from him. He could feel the heat radiating off her body. "Maybe, but you don't have what you want." She was right about that.
Automatically, he stepped closer to her. It had been a very long time. He wasn't going to make the same mistakes. He cleared his throat and met her eyes. They were soft and understanding, despite her forward behavior.
"Alyx, I'm Alan." He remembered to smile and took her hand. "Have dinner with me tonight?"
"Of course."
Once inside his office, he made dinner reservations at the best restaurant in Gotham.
The afternoon seemed to take forever to pass. It dragged and dawdled. He wondered if that's how every day felt to Jay and Johnny. Most days, it was difficult not to dwell on his old life and all that he'd lost, but today his thoughts for his old friends were brief, his mind on the future.
His heart raced every time she called on the intercom to announce a visitor. Goosebumps sprouted along his arms every time he glimpsed her at her desk.
He didn't dare linger in the building after business hours. There was always more work to do and if he let himself, he'd be swallowed in work, just as he usually was. Not today. Today, for the first time in over twenty years, Alan Scott had a date.
And for that, he had a duty to Alyx. He made sure to get her overcoat for her and walked her to her automobile in the garage. Encouraged by her boldness earlier, he kissed her fingers before closing the car door.
At his condominium, he dressed carefully. A double-breasted suit, of the kind once thought appropriate for everyday business, but now considered formal. Blue, to bring out his eyes.
They were meeting each other at the restaurant, a fact which made him slightly uncomfortable - he felt he should have picked her up from her home. Besides, what if she'd changed her mind?
But, she hadn't. Alyx was already there when he arrived, wearing a mauve evening dress with a low back and plunging neckline. His mouth went dry. She looked stunning - all the important parts were strategically covered and he began to imagine uncovering them.
She stood when he arrived at the table - another oddity. He kissed her on the cheek then. Her skin was courser than he'd expected, tougher and more used than it appeared. It made him feel more comfortable and less like a dirty old man.
Still, he was relieved to quench his thirst with the water on the table.
~*~*~*~*~*~
He stood before the Justice of the Peace, his heart full of hope and contentment.
His bride was radiant by his side - dressed prettily, but practically in a suitdress.
It was hard for Alan to believe this day had come for real.
But, when he placed the ring on her finger, nothing disappeared. It wasn't an illusion.
Not this time.
~*~*~*~*~*~
The grass beneath him was cold and icy. The blades were sharp and cut into his skin, but he was numb to the pain. It was nothing compared to the roaring blaze just a few yards in front of him.
He was wearing the ring. He'd put it on to find Alyx and fly out of the inferno, but he'd not been able to find her and finally, choking on the smoke, he'd fled the fire alone.
He still couldn't find her. It was a small cabin; he should have been able to see her.
~*~*~*~*~*~
With Alyx dead, he didn't pay much attention to GBC. He came to work each day and left each night and the time he spent in his office passed in a fog. It wasn't long before the board called an emergency meeting.
He'd invested the companies finances poorly and his shares had been bought out from under him.
Alan had one week to come up with 500,000 dollars or he was fired.
He should have been devastated, but instead he just felt numb.
Eileen, his secretary, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned in close and asked him how she could help.
He stared into space. "Do you have half a million dollars?"
Eileen humphed at him. Still in a huff, she ran to her desk and started slamming drawers closed after she'd grabbed things and put them into her bag. Lipstick, compact, book, keys, and a computer disk.
"Where are you going?"
She turned and glared at him. "Forgive me for thinking my boss might just be human!" And she stomped out the door. The same way Molly had gone before her.
Alan stared after her, open mouthed and stunned at all he'd lost.
Two weeks later, he was shocked again when he opened a letter from Jay Garrick inviting him to work for him at Garrick Laboratories. He had no experience in chemistry. Alan had never felt so ashamed when he sent word accepting Jay's act of charity.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Alan looked up to see Jay looming over him. A scowl besmirched his otherwise handsome features.
"Can I help you, Mr. Garrick?"
"Mr. Garrick? Really, Alan? You've known me for how many years and you're calling me "mister"?"
Alan schooled his face into what he hoped was placid acceptance. "You're my boss, sir."
"I'm your best friend, you stubborn fool. Our relationship didn't change any just because you're working here now."
"I wish that were true, but you know as well as I do, it's not." Alan squared his shoulders back in what he knew to be his most intimidating posture. "I'm not the same man I was and neither are you, Jay."
Jay grinned. "Ha. Times have changed and we've been through a lot. I'm certainly not denying that." He sat down on the desk. "No reason to fall out of touch, though."
Alan had to glare at that. "You disappeared, Jay. Literally! What was I supposed to do with Keystone gone?" Jay had the good sense to look chagrined.
Alan abruptly stood and walked over to the wall. "You and Joan have your own affairs to look after. I didn't do so well with mine."
He felt Jay move behind him, his reflection obscured in the glass of the window. His lab coat blending into his slacks. A blur in stillness, rather than motion.
"We all have our failures, Alan."
Jay was so good. He couldn't understand why Alan didn't deserve his friendship. "Not like mine."
"Yeah? What was so terrible?" Alan's heart tugged at the genuine concern in Jay's voice.
He could never tell anyone about Alyx, especially not Jay. "As I said, it's a personal matter, sir. It won't affect my work."
"Dammit, Alan." Jay shoved him hard against the window. "You're still a stubborn fool. It's me. We're practically family - as good as, anyway - or we were... " Jay seemed to deflate right there, no longer pinning him, no longer angry, just disappointed. "How could you do this to Joan?"
What?! "I'm not doing anything to Joan! Why bring her into this?"
Jay hung his head, hands on hips, apparently defeated for a moment. "We're in the same house. You know where to find it and if you've somehow forgotten, you can put that ring back on and find it in an instant."
And he was gone in a flash.
Alan could do nothing, but stand there and consider Jay's words.
Jay's offer.
To go home again. Jay was offering him a chance to be happy, but Alan didn't think he'd ever be able to feel joy again. His heart didn't work anymore, it had been replaced by this monstrous... thing.
Still, he could recognize he'd been rude. Jay deserved more than that. And Joan - he hated to think he'd hurt Joan. He moved back to his desk and removed his lab coat. It was a good thing he remembered how to find their house because there was no way he'd put the ring back on his finger. He doubted anything could get him to do that again.
~*~*~*~*~*~
When the pretty boy hotshot pilot appeared calling himself, "Green Lantern" as though he were the only one ever to bear the name, Alan shrugged his shoulders and looked away. A new day had come along with new heroes and the cares of the worlds weren't his concerns anymore.
Then, a bat appeared in Gotham. He did good work, thwarting criminals and cleaning up Gotham's derelict streets. Rumors had it, though that he was too harsh. The bat crossed lines and didn't work well with others, including the police. That wouldn't do and if only for the city he loved so much, Alan knew the time for standing aside had finally passed.
Alan reached out to the Bat Man and in his attempt to teach the youngster how to be a better hero, he'd crossed the ethical lines he'd put the ring away to avoid. He'd altered others perceptions, erased memories, even gone back in time.
He wanted to feel guilty, but he didn't. It had felt good. Powerful and present and purposeful. The way he wanted to feel everyday.
"Gotham needs a man, not a god," he'd told him, but Gotham had always been larger than life.
Three months later, Dinah's girl had brought her friends together to form another superhero team. The Justice League of America honored their predecessors, but they were a new kind of team. More proactive and less a family, Alan suspected.
The new Green Lantern was a member of the new League. Alan got his number the old-fashioned way, from Dinah. He called the man; Hal was his name.
"Hey there, son. Let me buy you a drink."
Alan figured the youngsters would all need someone to reach out to them, be a mentor. It was less than a week before Carter called proposing they reform the JSA to show these kids how it's done.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Molly Mayne came back into his life sixty years after she'd left it. Alan had never expected to see her again. Yet, here she was.
He suppressed the grin that came to his face when he saw her and instead ushered her into his apartment somberly. He'd need to find out what her business with him was before he could express his joy at seeing her again.
She was as tall as ever, all legs with impeccable posture. Her long red hair was gone, replaced by gray hair cut short. It framed her face well. Fine lines crinkled near her mouth and eyes. She wore glasses around her neck, for reading he presumed. She had aged well, but she had aged.
It struck him acutely how he had not.
"Alan." She embraced him in greeting.
"Molly." He hugged her back and allowed himself to linger. It had been much too long since he'd seen her last, but he still remembered his mistakes of years ago. He didn't care if their touch was more intimate than it had been then. They had been employer and employee then and that wasn't true anymore. Now, those roles no longer mattered.
"You haven't changed a bit." Her tone was teasing and a bit awed. He hid his grimace with a laugh.
"And you're still as beautiful as ever." He could still make her blush, the heat clearly visible beneath her pale skin.
He offered her a drink and a seat and she took both while he took her coat and hat.
"It's good to see you. I have to admit, I'd never thought I'd have that pleasure again."
Molly looked rueful. "I always meant to come back. I've been plenty busy though. Just never had the chance until now." Her eyes began to glint and a small smirk twisted her mouth.
"Would you like a challenge, Alan? I have a proposition..."
~*~*~*~*~*~
He still couldn't quite believe that Alyx had been Rose Canton, The Thorn. That she'd survived the fire she caused to the cabin and fled into the woods. That she'd birthed, then abandoned their children to save them from The Thorn. That then she'd killed herself.
And Molly knew all about it because she'd kept an eye on him through all these years, as an agent of the FBI. Molly Mayne was Harlequin. Or she had been. Now, she was Molly Scott. That thrilled his heart.
At Molly's insistence, he was eating dinner with his children. He couldn't remember when he'd ever been so uncomfortable.
Since he and Molly were still in the hotel and Todd and Jennie-Lynn were out at Pemberton Studios (and he wasn't about to face Sylvester Pemberton like this), they'd agreed to meet on neutral ground. A pizza parlor, not especially noisy but private enough so they didn't have constant interruption.
Jade, Jennie-Lynn - his daughter, he reminded himself - wore her common face, rather than her green one. He wondered how much of himself was in her - or was it all the Starheart? She was beautiful, though and her smile was radiant. He felt compelled to return it. She'd insisted on calling him "dad" even before they'd confirmed their relationship, when it had made no sense to him at all. When he had thought it instead a bewildering bad joke. He still wondered when he might wake up.
Though, he also felt stupid for not seeing it before Molly spelled it out for him. Jennie's laugh was Alyx's laugh. Her confidence was Alyx's confidence. Her green eyes sparkled with mischief. Rather than feeling old when he looked at his grown daughter, he instead felt young again, as though the world lay out before him.
Todd, on the other hand was a puzzle. Obsidian had not his powers, nor their mother's, but the powers of a long-vanquished enemy. Alan didn't quite trust it. There was a darkness to the boy that had nothing to do with his powers. The danger radiated from him.
The young man seemed to share his skepticism, frowning at Alan across the table, his brows drawn together. They caused his forehead to wrinkle and Alan wondered at a future permanent crease there. Todd had a stray hair above his right brow - it stuck out at an odd angle. His eyes were hazel and changed color in the light.
Alan had seen that expression before with those same characteristics, only not on Todd. It made him uncomfortable to look at the boy, so he looked to the ladies instead. They made his heart light. Besides, Todd spoke rarely throughout the meal while Jennie spoke enthusiastically about Infinity Inc, her ambitions as an actress, her childhood, and even her boyfriend.
Later, in Ragnarok, Alan realized where he had seen that expression before; it was a look from so deep in his memory, from so long ago, it was no wonder it took him so long to place it. It was his father's face when he was worried or anxious.
"Where have you been? Where were you when I needed you?" The questions plagued him, but Alan couldn't have said if they came from his father or his son.
~*~*~*~*~*~
He'd barely had time to enjoy rebuilding his company, discovering his children, and loving his wife before he was torn (along with his colleagues - his friends the JSA) to Ragnarok. That most special of hells.
He didn't know how many times the calendar had turned back on Earth, it all blended together into one endless red rage of fighting and misery.
Yet, Jay as always had found a way to keep reminding him of the life he could've had without the hurt he'd been sure would come.
They were arguing poetry again. Only this time, they were using quotes to better engage the memories of home.
Alan opened with a treatise of despair:
APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain...
What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow
Out of this stony rubbish? Son of man,
You cannot say, or guess, for you know only
A heap of broken images, where the sun beats,
And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief,
And the dry stone no sound of water. Only
There is shadow under this red rock,
(Come in under the shadow of this red rock),
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
But, Jay volleyed back with light in the darkness:
SHAKEN,
The blossoms of lilac,
And shattered,
The atoms of purple.
Green dip the leaves,
Darker the bark,
Longer the shadows.
Sheer lines of poplar
Shimmer with masses of silver
And down in a garden old with years
And broken walls of ruin and story,
Roses rise with red rain-memories.
May!
In the open world
The sun comes and finds your face,
Remembering all.
Jay was grinning at him even as he slew another of the endless demon hordes. The sun shown from his face, as though he were lit from within and Alan's heart filled with hope.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Molly lay on their bed in the crook of his arm, her own beautiful gray hair brushing against his skin. He'd just gotten her back after she'd sold her soul to be young again.
"Don't ever do anything like that again."
She shifted her weight and he felt her eyes on his face. "You don't want me to be with you always."
He held her tighter. "I want you - the real you, not some fake - some illusion of you."
She snuggled close to him. "I'll be gone soon, you know."
"No, you won't. You'll be here for quite a while yet." He patted her hand.
Her fingers ran through his chest hair. "I won't, Alan. You're going to have to face that."
He caught her hand in his. "I'll face it when I'm ready. I'm not ready. Besides, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow-"
"-and it wouldn't cause you any harm, at all." She was laughing at him now.
"Well, a boxcar then." He laughed with her.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Ted Knight's funeral was harder than he'd thought it would be. The weekly obituaries had been brought out of the abstract and indirect and close to home. His friends were dying, one by one.
Carter and Sheira.
Charlie and Al and Rex.
Larry and Dinah.
Dian and Wes.
Still, Ted had been a survivor. He watched as Ted's boy Jack cuddled Ted's grandson close to him. The Shade stood next to him.
Alan couldn't help but think of Todd - lost forever to the forces of evil and to the Shadowlands. Lost because he'd failed to save him. Failed to be there when he was needed.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Jennie-Lynn no longer reminded him of Alyx. He wondered what she'd say if he told her how much she was like Jay.
She held his head in her hands, giving him acceptance in his grief and consoling him.
Despite that it was she who had known Todd best. She who had lost her brother, friend and confidante. While he had only lost possibilities and the assuagement of his conscience.
She was so strong. There was so much light in her eyes, so much life in her hands.
He wondered what she'd say if he told her how much she inspired him.
~*~*~*~*~*~
After he freed the Spectre from his imprisonment with the help of Zauriel, Alan considered his choices many times. Alan had destroyed a world - to save the universe, but still. He reminded himself that all the creatures and lifeforms on the world still lived their full lives - it was only that time ran faster for them and their millennia passed in the moments Alan had experienced.
Because he'd willed it to be so.
Alan didn't like to dwell on the power he possessed.
Teleportation. Time travel. Telepathy. Thought-control. Body binding.
He was deliberate in choosing constructs that individuals had to fight, rather than on imposing his will on the individuals themselves.
Alan didn't want to be a god. He wanted to be a man, same as any other. Well, a good man, but a man still.
He didn't want to be made of flame. Eternal. Immortal. To outlive his family. His friends. His proteges. His children.
Some said that Alan - as Green Lantern or Sentinel - or whatever he chose to call himself - would still be around in the time of the Legion. In the thirty-first century. He couldn't be sure of that. He'd come too close to death too many times and seen too many friends die to really believe himself immortal.
But still. He worried. What if... ?
He'd imprisoned a man for threatening his daughter. Not only locking up his body, but also his mind. Trapped Hank King forever to keep Jennie safe. He knew he'd make that same choice again without hesitation.
Imposing his own will on another.
What made his will better than any others? His purity of heart? His goodness? His intellect? His wisdom? Alan looked at the mistakes of his life and scoffed at these things. More likely, it was his optimism and his belief that if you could take action against a wrong, well then, you should. The consequences would sort themselves out later.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Kyle carried Jennie's limp body to him. Alan had felt her die - his own heart had stopped, too - but even still he had denied it. There was no denying a lifeless body. She was beautiful still, even in death. He wondered if his heart would ever beat again.
~*~*~*~*~*~
The ground was overgrown with weeds. Alan dropped to his knees and fussily began pulling them up by their roots. The Milton Cemetery was well tended, at least the main plots were. But, over here where no family had visited in sixty years, the grass was too high and graves indistinct and hard to find.
"Why are we here again?" He felt Todd drop down beside him and begin to work too. Together they cleared the marker for John Scott. He heard Todd's soft revelatory, "Oh."
Alan traced his fingers over the name and dates. He'd never bothered to visit here. Never bothered to see where his father had been laid to rest. Alan figured now that in ignoring it, he'd never allowed the man any peace.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Alan frowned at Jay sitting across the table, sipping his demitasse. Looking smug.
The man was incorrigible. And more importantly, he was wrong.
Jay had tried to argue that Alan must feel different when he was made of the Starheart's pure flame.
"Doesn't becoming immortal change your perspective a bit?"
Alan looked at his friend's still youthful face. The face that had barely changed in the almost eighty years he'd known him. Changed just as much as his own perhaps. "Becoming" immortal, indeed.
"We've got the same weaknesses we've always had and you know it. Maybe even a few more, now that the youngsters count on us." Alan eyed Jay with a level stare, daring him to contradict the "we". Jay didn't. "Otherwise, it's no different than before."
Jay laughed. "So god-like powers don't make a difference, then?"
Alan tipped his coffee to his lips. "None at all, old friend. They've been here the whole time."
"Good things the girls don't mind, eh?" Molly and Joan were playing their weekly bridge game with Ma and Libby, timed to coincide with his and Jay's Sunday morning coffee. Drunk this week, in a lovely Moroccan cafe.
Jay was winking at him. He couldn't help but join in his laughter now. A youthful body did have it's advantages.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Alan watched as Jay battled the constructs Alan threw against him. Resolutely, his best friend fought him to save him. His movements too blurred for even Alan to see. Jay's actions against him touched Alan to his depths.
Alan watched as his children, Jennie-Lynn and Todd both resurrected and heroes, worked together. Worked together to save him. Their absent father who never did give them what they needed.
Alan watched as the heroes of today, the children who were not his own, but for whom he had been an inspiration if not directly a mentor, fought him with all their collective, considerable might.
The Starheart had infused him with a greater power than he had ever experienced before, greater than the god-like rush of altering time and memory and perception. Yet, here at the end, full of power, he found himself merely a man.
And he was grateful for the gift.
The title comes from the definition of WILL: (noun) The faculty of conscious and especially of deliberate action. - Dictionary.com
The poems quoted by Alan and Jay in Ragnarok are from respectively, T.S. Eliot's The Waste Land and Carl Sandburg's "Follies".
Title The Faculty of Conscious and Especially Of Deliberate Action
Rating/Warning PG-13/canon suicide, character death
Pairings/Characters Alan Scott/canon partners, Alan Scott/OFC, Alan Scott/Jay Garrick/Joan Williams implied
Spoilers general for the current JLA/JSA crossover
SummaryThe Life and Loves of the Golden Age Green Lantern. For almost 100 years Alan Scott has tried to choose the responsible and right action. He's sometimes succeeded and often failed and now he's forced to face both the joys and demons of his past. Written for comicsbigbang
Disclaimer I own nothing. I make nothing. Alan Scott and ensemble belong to DC Entertainment/Time Warner.
Word Count 11636 total (both parts)
Thanks to afixation and merelyfic. This fic would not have happened without you. I owe you both immense gratitude for sharing your fanon and for help with brainstorming and story structure. ♥♥♥ You guys are the best! Thank you!
Thanks also to fictionalknight and wabbitseason for support at a critical juncture and to buscheaux for the beta.
merelyfic also contributed this amazing piece of art, which says everything I tried to say about Alan in the fic. A picture really does say a thousand words. Go tell her how wonderful and perfect it is!
ON FROM PART ONE!
There was something familiar about her, though he couldn't have told you what it was. The way she carried herself maybe, like she knew everything even if she knew she didn't. Her smell perhaps, like honeysuckle opening in the early morning.
She walked into his office as though she belonged there, had always been there and would always be there. She looked him right in the eye and declared, "I'm Alyx Florin. I'll be your new Executive Secretary." She would? He blinked. He didn't remember hiring her. It must have been John in Human Resources; he did need a new secretary. He hadn't had one he truly liked since Molly left. Perhaps... perhaps he wouldn't make the same mistakes this time.
He nodded, and Miss Florin winked at him before launching into his morning schedule. Her brazen attitude intrigued him and he sat back to watch her. Making note of her details. Her speech was clipped and straight to business, but nothing about her was demure. There was a pinched quality to her mouth, as though she rarely smiled. She wore her pantsuit, with it's padded square shoulders as though it was armor, but the silky camisole she wore beneath the jacket hinted at her feminine figure. Her dark hair fell across her shoulders, framing her face. She wore glasses and he wondered if she needed them, or if they were simply for effect, like her suit.
When she had finished with the calendar, her tongue darted out between her lips. Moist.
Unbidden, his dick hardened in his pants. Alan made a point to study a paperweight on his desk - a bridge - it had been a gift from Molly. A paperweight was an appropriate, impersonal business gift; she had made it personal. That realization stung, even as it didn't help his predicament.
"You should also know," Miss Florin's voice interrupted his thoughts, "we'll be having lunch together today."
"I don't think that's a good --"
"In the park." Her tone broached no argument. She would speak her mind to him, as Molly had done. Not a "yes" woman. He needed that. Not the same mistakes, he'd told himself.
He nodded his approval. "To establish our business relationship. We should be working on the same page.
"That will be all, Miss Florin."
She smiled then. It transformed her face. She was suddenly bright and open. He couldn't help but return the smile.
If he watched her fanny - shapely in her slacks - as she left, it was only proof he was still a man, despite his body's stubborn refusal to age as a man should.
~*~*~*~*~*~
He couldn't say why, but the park seemed especially verdant today, the flowers especially potent. He felt alive with their fragrance. Young.
In the park, Miss Florin fed pigeons. Holding the crumbs aloft with her hand, they came to her. She took off her jacket in the warmth of the sunlight. Her top clung to her curves, proving right his speculation on her figure.
She turned to him then. Caught him watching her. "Mr. Scott!" He expected outrage, but a wicked grin took over her face. She didn't look scandalized, but instead looked him over from his head to his wingtips and back to his face.
"Do you have companionship, Mr. Scott?"
He tried not to look away, but he found he couldn't meet her gaze. "I have what I need, Miss Florin."
"It's Alyx, please." She'd crossed the courtyard and was now less than a foot from him. He could feel the heat radiating off her body. "Maybe, but you don't have what you want." She was right about that.
Automatically, he stepped closer to her. It had been a very long time. He wasn't going to make the same mistakes. He cleared his throat and met her eyes. They were soft and understanding, despite her forward behavior.
"Alyx, I'm Alan." He remembered to smile and took her hand. "Have dinner with me tonight?"
"Of course."
Once inside his office, he made dinner reservations at the best restaurant in Gotham.
The afternoon seemed to take forever to pass. It dragged and dawdled. He wondered if that's how every day felt to Jay and Johnny. Most days, it was difficult not to dwell on his old life and all that he'd lost, but today his thoughts for his old friends were brief, his mind on the future.
His heart raced every time she called on the intercom to announce a visitor. Goosebumps sprouted along his arms every time he glimpsed her at her desk.
He didn't dare linger in the building after business hours. There was always more work to do and if he let himself, he'd be swallowed in work, just as he usually was. Not today. Today, for the first time in over twenty years, Alan Scott had a date.
And for that, he had a duty to Alyx. He made sure to get her overcoat for her and walked her to her automobile in the garage. Encouraged by her boldness earlier, he kissed her fingers before closing the car door.
At his condominium, he dressed carefully. A double-breasted suit, of the kind once thought appropriate for everyday business, but now considered formal. Blue, to bring out his eyes.
They were meeting each other at the restaurant, a fact which made him slightly uncomfortable - he felt he should have picked her up from her home. Besides, what if she'd changed her mind?
But, she hadn't. Alyx was already there when he arrived, wearing a mauve evening dress with a low back and plunging neckline. His mouth went dry. She looked stunning - all the important parts were strategically covered and he began to imagine uncovering them.
She stood when he arrived at the table - another oddity. He kissed her on the cheek then. Her skin was courser than he'd expected, tougher and more used than it appeared. It made him feel more comfortable and less like a dirty old man.
Still, he was relieved to quench his thirst with the water on the table.
~*~*~*~*~*~
He stood before the Justice of the Peace, his heart full of hope and contentment.
His bride was radiant by his side - dressed prettily, but practically in a suitdress.
It was hard for Alan to believe this day had come for real.
But, when he placed the ring on her finger, nothing disappeared. It wasn't an illusion.
Not this time.
~*~*~*~*~*~
The grass beneath him was cold and icy. The blades were sharp and cut into his skin, but he was numb to the pain. It was nothing compared to the roaring blaze just a few yards in front of him.
He was wearing the ring. He'd put it on to find Alyx and fly out of the inferno, but he'd not been able to find her and finally, choking on the smoke, he'd fled the fire alone.
He still couldn't find her. It was a small cabin; he should have been able to see her.
~*~*~*~*~*~
With Alyx dead, he didn't pay much attention to GBC. He came to work each day and left each night and the time he spent in his office passed in a fog. It wasn't long before the board called an emergency meeting.
He'd invested the companies finances poorly and his shares had been bought out from under him.
Alan had one week to come up with 500,000 dollars or he was fired.
He should have been devastated, but instead he just felt numb.
Eileen, his secretary, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned in close and asked him how she could help.
He stared into space. "Do you have half a million dollars?"
Eileen humphed at him. Still in a huff, she ran to her desk and started slamming drawers closed after she'd grabbed things and put them into her bag. Lipstick, compact, book, keys, and a computer disk.
"Where are you going?"
She turned and glared at him. "Forgive me for thinking my boss might just be human!" And she stomped out the door. The same way Molly had gone before her.
Alan stared after her, open mouthed and stunned at all he'd lost.
Two weeks later, he was shocked again when he opened a letter from Jay Garrick inviting him to work for him at Garrick Laboratories. He had no experience in chemistry. Alan had never felt so ashamed when he sent word accepting Jay's act of charity.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Alan looked up to see Jay looming over him. A scowl besmirched his otherwise handsome features.
"Can I help you, Mr. Garrick?"
"Mr. Garrick? Really, Alan? You've known me for how many years and you're calling me "mister"?"
Alan schooled his face into what he hoped was placid acceptance. "You're my boss, sir."
"I'm your best friend, you stubborn fool. Our relationship didn't change any just because you're working here now."
"I wish that were true, but you know as well as I do, it's not." Alan squared his shoulders back in what he knew to be his most intimidating posture. "I'm not the same man I was and neither are you, Jay."
Jay grinned. "Ha. Times have changed and we've been through a lot. I'm certainly not denying that." He sat down on the desk. "No reason to fall out of touch, though."
Alan had to glare at that. "You disappeared, Jay. Literally! What was I supposed to do with Keystone gone?" Jay had the good sense to look chagrined.
Alan abruptly stood and walked over to the wall. "You and Joan have your own affairs to look after. I didn't do so well with mine."
He felt Jay move behind him, his reflection obscured in the glass of the window. His lab coat blending into his slacks. A blur in stillness, rather than motion.
"We all have our failures, Alan."
Jay was so good. He couldn't understand why Alan didn't deserve his friendship. "Not like mine."
"Yeah? What was so terrible?" Alan's heart tugged at the genuine concern in Jay's voice.
He could never tell anyone about Alyx, especially not Jay. "As I said, it's a personal matter, sir. It won't affect my work."
"Dammit, Alan." Jay shoved him hard against the window. "You're still a stubborn fool. It's me. We're practically family - as good as, anyway - or we were... " Jay seemed to deflate right there, no longer pinning him, no longer angry, just disappointed. "How could you do this to Joan?"
What?! "I'm not doing anything to Joan! Why bring her into this?"
Jay hung his head, hands on hips, apparently defeated for a moment. "We're in the same house. You know where to find it and if you've somehow forgotten, you can put that ring back on and find it in an instant."
And he was gone in a flash.
Alan could do nothing, but stand there and consider Jay's words.
Jay's offer.
To go home again. Jay was offering him a chance to be happy, but Alan didn't think he'd ever be able to feel joy again. His heart didn't work anymore, it had been replaced by this monstrous... thing.
Still, he could recognize he'd been rude. Jay deserved more than that. And Joan - he hated to think he'd hurt Joan. He moved back to his desk and removed his lab coat. It was a good thing he remembered how to find their house because there was no way he'd put the ring back on his finger. He doubted anything could get him to do that again.
~*~*~*~*~*~
When the pretty boy hotshot pilot appeared calling himself, "Green Lantern" as though he were the only one ever to bear the name, Alan shrugged his shoulders and looked away. A new day had come along with new heroes and the cares of the worlds weren't his concerns anymore.
Then, a bat appeared in Gotham. He did good work, thwarting criminals and cleaning up Gotham's derelict streets. Rumors had it, though that he was too harsh. The bat crossed lines and didn't work well with others, including the police. That wouldn't do and if only for the city he loved so much, Alan knew the time for standing aside had finally passed.
Alan reached out to the Bat Man and in his attempt to teach the youngster how to be a better hero, he'd crossed the ethical lines he'd put the ring away to avoid. He'd altered others perceptions, erased memories, even gone back in time.
He wanted to feel guilty, but he didn't. It had felt good. Powerful and present and purposeful. The way he wanted to feel everyday.
"Gotham needs a man, not a god," he'd told him, but Gotham had always been larger than life.
Three months later, Dinah's girl had brought her friends together to form another superhero team. The Justice League of America honored their predecessors, but they were a new kind of team. More proactive and less a family, Alan suspected.
The new Green Lantern was a member of the new League. Alan got his number the old-fashioned way, from Dinah. He called the man; Hal was his name.
"Hey there, son. Let me buy you a drink."
Alan figured the youngsters would all need someone to reach out to them, be a mentor. It was less than a week before Carter called proposing they reform the JSA to show these kids how it's done.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Molly Mayne came back into his life sixty years after she'd left it. Alan had never expected to see her again. Yet, here she was.
He suppressed the grin that came to his face when he saw her and instead ushered her into his apartment somberly. He'd need to find out what her business with him was before he could express his joy at seeing her again.
She was as tall as ever, all legs with impeccable posture. Her long red hair was gone, replaced by gray hair cut short. It framed her face well. Fine lines crinkled near her mouth and eyes. She wore glasses around her neck, for reading he presumed. She had aged well, but she had aged.
It struck him acutely how he had not.
"Alan." She embraced him in greeting.
"Molly." He hugged her back and allowed himself to linger. It had been much too long since he'd seen her last, but he still remembered his mistakes of years ago. He didn't care if their touch was more intimate than it had been then. They had been employer and employee then and that wasn't true anymore. Now, those roles no longer mattered.
"You haven't changed a bit." Her tone was teasing and a bit awed. He hid his grimace with a laugh.
"And you're still as beautiful as ever." He could still make her blush, the heat clearly visible beneath her pale skin.
He offered her a drink and a seat and she took both while he took her coat and hat.
"It's good to see you. I have to admit, I'd never thought I'd have that pleasure again."
Molly looked rueful. "I always meant to come back. I've been plenty busy though. Just never had the chance until now." Her eyes began to glint and a small smirk twisted her mouth.
"Would you like a challenge, Alan? I have a proposition..."
~*~*~*~*~*~
He still couldn't quite believe that Alyx had been Rose Canton, The Thorn. That she'd survived the fire she caused to the cabin and fled into the woods. That she'd birthed, then abandoned their children to save them from The Thorn. That then she'd killed herself.
And Molly knew all about it because she'd kept an eye on him through all these years, as an agent of the FBI. Molly Mayne was Harlequin. Or she had been. Now, she was Molly Scott. That thrilled his heart.
At Molly's insistence, he was eating dinner with his children. He couldn't remember when he'd ever been so uncomfortable.
Since he and Molly were still in the hotel and Todd and Jennie-Lynn were out at Pemberton Studios (and he wasn't about to face Sylvester Pemberton like this), they'd agreed to meet on neutral ground. A pizza parlor, not especially noisy but private enough so they didn't have constant interruption.
Jade, Jennie-Lynn - his daughter, he reminded himself - wore her common face, rather than her green one. He wondered how much of himself was in her - or was it all the Starheart? She was beautiful, though and her smile was radiant. He felt compelled to return it. She'd insisted on calling him "dad" even before they'd confirmed their relationship, when it had made no sense to him at all. When he had thought it instead a bewildering bad joke. He still wondered when he might wake up.
Though, he also felt stupid for not seeing it before Molly spelled it out for him. Jennie's laugh was Alyx's laugh. Her confidence was Alyx's confidence. Her green eyes sparkled with mischief. Rather than feeling old when he looked at his grown daughter, he instead felt young again, as though the world lay out before him.
Todd, on the other hand was a puzzle. Obsidian had not his powers, nor their mother's, but the powers of a long-vanquished enemy. Alan didn't quite trust it. There was a darkness to the boy that had nothing to do with his powers. The danger radiated from him.
The young man seemed to share his skepticism, frowning at Alan across the table, his brows drawn together. They caused his forehead to wrinkle and Alan wondered at a future permanent crease there. Todd had a stray hair above his right brow - it stuck out at an odd angle. His eyes were hazel and changed color in the light.
Alan had seen that expression before with those same characteristics, only not on Todd. It made him uncomfortable to look at the boy, so he looked to the ladies instead. They made his heart light. Besides, Todd spoke rarely throughout the meal while Jennie spoke enthusiastically about Infinity Inc, her ambitions as an actress, her childhood, and even her boyfriend.
Later, in Ragnarok, Alan realized where he had seen that expression before; it was a look from so deep in his memory, from so long ago, it was no wonder it took him so long to place it. It was his father's face when he was worried or anxious.
"Where have you been? Where were you when I needed you?" The questions plagued him, but Alan couldn't have said if they came from his father or his son.
~*~*~*~*~*~
He'd barely had time to enjoy rebuilding his company, discovering his children, and loving his wife before he was torn (along with his colleagues - his friends the JSA) to Ragnarok. That most special of hells.
He didn't know how many times the calendar had turned back on Earth, it all blended together into one endless red rage of fighting and misery.
Yet, Jay as always had found a way to keep reminding him of the life he could've had without the hurt he'd been sure would come.
They were arguing poetry again. Only this time, they were using quotes to better engage the memories of home.
Alan opened with a treatise of despair:
APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain...
What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow
Out of this stony rubbish? Son of man,
You cannot say, or guess, for you know only
A heap of broken images, where the sun beats,
And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief,
And the dry stone no sound of water. Only
There is shadow under this red rock,
(Come in under the shadow of this red rock),
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
But, Jay volleyed back with light in the darkness:
SHAKEN,
The blossoms of lilac,
And shattered,
The atoms of purple.
Green dip the leaves,
Darker the bark,
Longer the shadows.
Sheer lines of poplar
Shimmer with masses of silver
And down in a garden old with years
And broken walls of ruin and story,
Roses rise with red rain-memories.
May!
In the open world
The sun comes and finds your face,
Remembering all.
Jay was grinning at him even as he slew another of the endless demon hordes. The sun shown from his face, as though he were lit from within and Alan's heart filled with hope.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Molly lay on their bed in the crook of his arm, her own beautiful gray hair brushing against his skin. He'd just gotten her back after she'd sold her soul to be young again.
"Don't ever do anything like that again."
She shifted her weight and he felt her eyes on his face. "You don't want me to be with you always."
He held her tighter. "I want you - the real you, not some fake - some illusion of you."
She snuggled close to him. "I'll be gone soon, you know."
"No, you won't. You'll be here for quite a while yet." He patted her hand.
Her fingers ran through his chest hair. "I won't, Alan. You're going to have to face that."
He caught her hand in his. "I'll face it when I'm ready. I'm not ready. Besides, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow-"
"-and it wouldn't cause you any harm, at all." She was laughing at him now.
"Well, a boxcar then." He laughed with her.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Ted Knight's funeral was harder than he'd thought it would be. The weekly obituaries had been brought out of the abstract and indirect and close to home. His friends were dying, one by one.
Carter and Sheira.
Charlie and Al and Rex.
Larry and Dinah.
Dian and Wes.
Still, Ted had been a survivor. He watched as Ted's boy Jack cuddled Ted's grandson close to him. The Shade stood next to him.
Alan couldn't help but think of Todd - lost forever to the forces of evil and to the Shadowlands. Lost because he'd failed to save him. Failed to be there when he was needed.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Jennie-Lynn no longer reminded him of Alyx. He wondered what she'd say if he told her how much she was like Jay.
She held his head in her hands, giving him acceptance in his grief and consoling him.
Despite that it was she who had known Todd best. She who had lost her brother, friend and confidante. While he had only lost possibilities and the assuagement of his conscience.
She was so strong. There was so much light in her eyes, so much life in her hands.
He wondered what she'd say if he told her how much she inspired him.
~*~*~*~*~*~
After he freed the Spectre from his imprisonment with the help of Zauriel, Alan considered his choices many times. Alan had destroyed a world - to save the universe, but still. He reminded himself that all the creatures and lifeforms on the world still lived their full lives - it was only that time ran faster for them and their millennia passed in the moments Alan had experienced.
Because he'd willed it to be so.
Alan didn't like to dwell on the power he possessed.
Teleportation. Time travel. Telepathy. Thought-control. Body binding.
He was deliberate in choosing constructs that individuals had to fight, rather than on imposing his will on the individuals themselves.
Alan didn't want to be a god. He wanted to be a man, same as any other. Well, a good man, but a man still.
He didn't want to be made of flame. Eternal. Immortal. To outlive his family. His friends. His proteges. His children.
Some said that Alan - as Green Lantern or Sentinel - or whatever he chose to call himself - would still be around in the time of the Legion. In the thirty-first century. He couldn't be sure of that. He'd come too close to death too many times and seen too many friends die to really believe himself immortal.
But still. He worried. What if... ?
He'd imprisoned a man for threatening his daughter. Not only locking up his body, but also his mind. Trapped Hank King forever to keep Jennie safe. He knew he'd make that same choice again without hesitation.
Imposing his own will on another.
What made his will better than any others? His purity of heart? His goodness? His intellect? His wisdom? Alan looked at the mistakes of his life and scoffed at these things. More likely, it was his optimism and his belief that if you could take action against a wrong, well then, you should. The consequences would sort themselves out later.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Kyle carried Jennie's limp body to him. Alan had felt her die - his own heart had stopped, too - but even still he had denied it. There was no denying a lifeless body. She was beautiful still, even in death. He wondered if his heart would ever beat again.
~*~*~*~*~*~
The ground was overgrown with weeds. Alan dropped to his knees and fussily began pulling them up by their roots. The Milton Cemetery was well tended, at least the main plots were. But, over here where no family had visited in sixty years, the grass was too high and graves indistinct and hard to find.
"Why are we here again?" He felt Todd drop down beside him and begin to work too. Together they cleared the marker for John Scott. He heard Todd's soft revelatory, "Oh."
Alan traced his fingers over the name and dates. He'd never bothered to visit here. Never bothered to see where his father had been laid to rest. Alan figured now that in ignoring it, he'd never allowed the man any peace.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Alan frowned at Jay sitting across the table, sipping his demitasse. Looking smug.
The man was incorrigible. And more importantly, he was wrong.
Jay had tried to argue that Alan must feel different when he was made of the Starheart's pure flame.
"Doesn't becoming immortal change your perspective a bit?"
Alan looked at his friend's still youthful face. The face that had barely changed in the almost eighty years he'd known him. Changed just as much as his own perhaps. "Becoming" immortal, indeed.
"We've got the same weaknesses we've always had and you know it. Maybe even a few more, now that the youngsters count on us." Alan eyed Jay with a level stare, daring him to contradict the "we". Jay didn't. "Otherwise, it's no different than before."
Jay laughed. "So god-like powers don't make a difference, then?"
Alan tipped his coffee to his lips. "None at all, old friend. They've been here the whole time."
"Good things the girls don't mind, eh?" Molly and Joan were playing their weekly bridge game with Ma and Libby, timed to coincide with his and Jay's Sunday morning coffee. Drunk this week, in a lovely Moroccan cafe.
Jay was winking at him. He couldn't help but join in his laughter now. A youthful body did have it's advantages.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Alan watched as Jay battled the constructs Alan threw against him. Resolutely, his best friend fought him to save him. His movements too blurred for even Alan to see. Jay's actions against him touched Alan to his depths.
Alan watched as his children, Jennie-Lynn and Todd both resurrected and heroes, worked together. Worked together to save him. Their absent father who never did give them what they needed.
Alan watched as the heroes of today, the children who were not his own, but for whom he had been an inspiration if not directly a mentor, fought him with all their collective, considerable might.
The Starheart had infused him with a greater power than he had ever experienced before, greater than the god-like rush of altering time and memory and perception. Yet, here at the end, full of power, he found himself merely a man.
And he was grateful for the gift.
The title comes from the definition of WILL: (noun) The faculty of conscious and especially of deliberate action. - Dictionary.com
The poems quoted by Alan and Jay in Ragnarok are from respectively, T.S. Eliot's The Waste Land and Carl Sandburg's "Follies".