(no subject)
I found out today that my "pregnancy" was in medical terms "failed". I miscarried something that was never really there to miscarry. It was just a hollow sac where nothing had formed. My body treated itself like I was pregnant, the symptoms of pregnancy came with it...as they subsided my body fooled me into believing that I was just coming out of the first trimester and the symptoms were subsiding, that I was lucky. But I find myself mourning that small blue line that marks the pregnancy test confirming my promise as a Mother.
This pregnancy wasn't planned, it just happened. When I found out, I knew I wouldn't abort but I obviously saw the millions of problems associated with it. And just as myself and my partner were beginning to look forward to a bump, new adventures and eventually a baby - I find that my body has tricked me. I feel ambivalence. Between rejoicing in the fact that my university life will continue, uninterrupted by births, crying and teething; and this utter sense of loss....of a pretend promise of a baby.
So I'll be clutching onto this last positive pregnancy test that I'll produce (at least for a few years) until tomorrow. When I will go into hospital and have the insides of my womb scraped out. Fortunately or perhaps unfortunately I'll be asleep. I will take another pregnancy test, proving to myself that I am no longer expecting anything at all.
I predict for weeks or maybe months to come I'll mourn this "failure" and I'll try my hardest (I really will) not to transfer this idea of failure onto myself after all, "it wasn't my fault, there was nothing I could do". But try to tell that to me when it's late at night and my body heaves with sobbing, a pulling on my heart and wrists, as if offering myself - "please just help me and take this pain away". Or try telling me when I walk past pregnant scallies in the street, and I think "why are they so good at this, and why do I fail?". I think I'm going to be quite different for a while. Many of the things that make me "me" momentarily suspended.
Oh well, these things happen.