Re: Shey's Input Part 2nakanaide_strayApril 22 2008, 06:55:26 UTC
10. You used a phrase a couple times that really made me want to twitch: "On a sigh." It was awkward to read.
11. Sometimes it felt like Lidia, I think it was her, was getting a little preachy about writing. While what she says may or may not be true, maybe it could be written a little differently. Unless it's part of showing how she goes about being her black sheep self?
12. the "cliche black sheep", uh... (see, I used them. I couldn't help it XD ). It seemed weird to me for Marie to say that. I suppose that could be, again, because this is basically an excerpt.
13. Another little picky thing, but I found it a little weird for the description of Lidia's humor to be the "oddest sense of humor" or whatever it was >.>
14. Marie tells Lidia that Lucas said she (Lidia) didn't believe in love any more, but he technically just said something about not talking about romance with Lidia, so it seems a little skewed for Marie to jump to the conclusion that Lidia doesn't believe in love without seeing any of Marie's thoughts on the matter. And Lidia's little spiel about being disillusioned with love felt a little like a whack in the face. Not that it wouldn't be what Lidia would say, but--
15. Personal thing: the similarity between Lucas and Lidia's names. Not that is a problem, but for me there names were similar enough that a couple times it got a little distracting (you know, "hee hee, Lidia...flows so well with Lucas... Lidia-Lucas, Lidia-Lucas..." blah blah >.> ).
16. Maybe work a little on narrative technique? I don't mean to say it was bad at all, please don't take it that way. There were just some places where sometimes it felt a little like "and this happened, and this happen." Just sometimes. o.o
Wow. That ended up being way longer than I meant to. I hope I didn't say anything too mean. i didn't mean to, but I can get kinda mean when I comment on things people write. >.> I'm very sorry if that happened here.
I heart English majors~ishou_akai_kouApril 22 2008, 07:16:37 UTC
XD believe me Shey, those two posts are /more/ than I've ever gotten from any of my friends/family/classmates that have read my stuff.
Tis why I trust your opinions when it comes to writing!
I have already started working in some of your suggestions into a revision. Dunno if I'll post it on my LJ again, but I can certainly send you the file when I'm done with it.
Just keep in mind that this story has no beginning and I don't know if I'll ever flesh it out more than this, so don't look for any major character/plot developments from this... (and dangit, ellipses are part of my typing vocabulary, it's gonna be a hard habit to kick)
I would love to see your notes and such on that other really crappy story beginning I sent you~ I've been working on it some, but finals and laziness have hindered any more writing out of me. ^^;;
Re: I heart English majors~nakanaide_strayApril 22 2008, 20:15:18 UTC
Yay, I'm loved. XD
I understand that this may not ever get fleshed out, but you never know. XD But I wasn't sure what you were planning for it when I commented on it. And I understand laziness. I rule a kingdom of Laziness. >.> lol
11. Sometimes it felt like Lidia, I think it was her, was getting a little preachy about writing. While what she says may or may not be true, maybe it could be written a little differently. Unless it's part of showing how she goes about being her black sheep self?
12. the "cliche black sheep", uh... (see, I used them. I couldn't help it XD ). It seemed weird to me for Marie to say that. I suppose that could be, again, because this is basically an excerpt.
13. Another little picky thing, but I found it a little weird for the description of Lidia's humor to be the "oddest sense of humor" or whatever it was >.>
14. Marie tells Lidia that Lucas said she (Lidia) didn't believe in love any more, but he technically just said something about not talking about romance with Lidia, so it seems a little skewed for Marie to jump to the conclusion that Lidia doesn't believe in love without seeing any of Marie's thoughts on the matter. And Lidia's little spiel about being disillusioned with love felt a little like a whack in the face. Not that it wouldn't be what Lidia would say, but--
15. Personal thing: the similarity between Lucas and Lidia's names. Not that is a problem, but for me there names were similar enough that a couple times it got a little distracting (you know, "hee hee, Lidia...flows so well with Lucas... Lidia-Lucas, Lidia-Lucas..." blah blah >.> ).
16. Maybe work a little on narrative technique? I don't mean to say it was bad at all, please don't take it that way. There were just some places where sometimes it felt a little like "and this happened, and this happen." Just sometimes. o.o
Wow. That ended up being way longer than I meant to. I hope I didn't say anything too mean. i didn't mean to, but I can get kinda mean when I comment on things people write. >.> I'm very sorry if that happened here.
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Tis why I trust your opinions when it comes to writing!
I have already started working in some of your suggestions into a revision. Dunno if I'll post it on my LJ again, but I can certainly send you the file when I'm done with it.
Just keep in mind that this story has no beginning and I don't know if I'll ever flesh it out more than this, so don't look for any major character/plot developments from this... (and dangit, ellipses are part of my typing vocabulary, it's gonna be a hard habit to kick)
I would love to see your notes and such on that other really crappy story beginning I sent you~ I've been working on it some, but finals and laziness have hindered any more writing out of me. ^^;;
Reply
I understand that this may not ever get fleshed out, but you never know. XD But I wasn't sure what you were planning for it when I commented on it. And I understand laziness. I rule a kingdom of Laziness. >.> lol
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