Re: Shey's Input Part 2nakanaide_strayApril 22 2008, 06:54:44 UTC
Whoops. >.> Thought I could edit the comment, but I can't. And this will need to be split into a couple replies. O_O
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Okay, this is just a brief thing. I figure I don't have to be professional about this anyway. >.> And please don't get angry if I don't go into detail over things I say, since there was that time you kinda ripped into your uncle or whomever, so I'm a bit nervous to say anything... *cough* What I mean to say is, take what I say worth a grain of salt because most of it is probably just opinion anyway. *shrug*
1. There were several instances of a basic dialogue format error. It's that old thing about new dialogue from a new speaker being in a new paragraph. That sort of thing. Small, but it stood out.
2. The end of the first paragraph. I don't think an ellipsis needs to be there, but I guess that's a stylistic thing. I think people use it too much, including me. T_T Oh, and I think there's at least one other ellipsis somewhere in there.
3. In general, there were a couple spelling and punctuation errors, but I don't really feel like pointing any of them out.
4. Here's the thing. The whole description of Lidia being the "Irish-twin cousin" thing didn't work for me. It didn't feel like a natural conversation, or something. Well, most of it works, but the particular part about the Irish-twin is what throws me. I won't go into an explanation, because I'd end up rambling. Anyway, I would change that passage and rework it. A lot. <.< And Lucas says they're from "different mothers," and different fathers, right? Again, I think that part could be changed as well.
7. A personal preference thing, but to me saying that she "fits the part" here sounds weird. But I'm blaming that on having a long day and getting lost in a part of town I've never been to before. @.@ It messed with my head.
6. Why is it surprising that Lidia is a well-known author? Lucas says "Surprisingly she is..." but I don't see why that is true. Maybe that is only because this is a very short piece from something that could end up being longer.
7. I like this line: "Just don't get her going on a discussion about romance, 'cause she'll sour your opinion real quick." I think it was a clever way of showing Lucas's character.
8. A couple times you say that people "murmured," Which is fine. But for some reason I really notice it when people murmur in writing and for me it felt like it wasn't really the right way to describe how they were speaking. Then again, I'm not the author. *zips mouth*
9. Ah, the "my woman" passage. Since this is short I'm not getting a good idea of what Marie's personality is like (though maybe more of her personality could be shown somehow?). Is she the type of woman who doesn't mind someone saying "She's my woman"? Frankly, if someone said that about me they'd regret it. O.o
Re: Shey's Input Part 2nakanaide_strayApril 22 2008, 06:55:26 UTC
10. You used a phrase a couple times that really made me want to twitch: "On a sigh." It was awkward to read.
11. Sometimes it felt like Lidia, I think it was her, was getting a little preachy about writing. While what she says may or may not be true, maybe it could be written a little differently. Unless it's part of showing how she goes about being her black sheep self?
12. the "cliche black sheep", uh... (see, I used them. I couldn't help it XD ). It seemed weird to me for Marie to say that. I suppose that could be, again, because this is basically an excerpt.
13. Another little picky thing, but I found it a little weird for the description of Lidia's humor to be the "oddest sense of humor" or whatever it was >.>
14. Marie tells Lidia that Lucas said she (Lidia) didn't believe in love any more, but he technically just said something about not talking about romance with Lidia, so it seems a little skewed for Marie to jump to the conclusion that Lidia doesn't believe in love without seeing any of Marie's thoughts on the matter. And Lidia's little spiel about being disillusioned with love felt a little like a whack in the face. Not that it wouldn't be what Lidia would say, but--
15. Personal thing: the similarity between Lucas and Lidia's names. Not that is a problem, but for me there names were similar enough that a couple times it got a little distracting (you know, "hee hee, Lidia...flows so well with Lucas... Lidia-Lucas, Lidia-Lucas..." blah blah >.> ).
16. Maybe work a little on narrative technique? I don't mean to say it was bad at all, please don't take it that way. There were just some places where sometimes it felt a little like "and this happened, and this happen." Just sometimes. o.o
Wow. That ended up being way longer than I meant to. I hope I didn't say anything too mean. i didn't mean to, but I can get kinda mean when I comment on things people write. >.> I'm very sorry if that happened here.
I heart English majors~ishou_akai_kouApril 22 2008, 07:16:37 UTC
XD believe me Shey, those two posts are /more/ than I've ever gotten from any of my friends/family/classmates that have read my stuff.
Tis why I trust your opinions when it comes to writing!
I have already started working in some of your suggestions into a revision. Dunno if I'll post it on my LJ again, but I can certainly send you the file when I'm done with it.
Just keep in mind that this story has no beginning and I don't know if I'll ever flesh it out more than this, so don't look for any major character/plot developments from this... (and dangit, ellipses are part of my typing vocabulary, it's gonna be a hard habit to kick)
I would love to see your notes and such on that other really crappy story beginning I sent you~ I've been working on it some, but finals and laziness have hindered any more writing out of me. ^^;;
Re: I heart English majors~nakanaide_strayApril 22 2008, 20:15:18 UTC
Yay, I'm loved. XD
I understand that this may not ever get fleshed out, but you never know. XD But I wasn't sure what you were planning for it when I commented on it. And I understand laziness. I rule a kingdom of Laziness. >.> lol
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Okay, this is just a brief thing. I figure I don't have to be professional about this anyway. >.> And please don't get angry if I don't go into detail over things I say, since there was that time you kinda ripped into your uncle or whomever, so I'm a bit nervous to say anything... *cough* What I mean to say is, take what I say worth a grain of salt because most of it is probably just opinion anyway. *shrug*
1. There were several instances of a basic dialogue format error. It's that old thing about new dialogue from a new speaker being in a new paragraph. That sort of thing. Small, but it stood out.
2. The end of the first paragraph. I don't think an ellipsis needs to be there, but I guess that's a stylistic thing. I think people use it too much, including me. T_T Oh, and I think there's at least one other ellipsis somewhere in there.
3. In general, there were a couple spelling and punctuation errors, but I don't really feel like pointing any of them out.
4. Here's the thing. The whole description of Lidia being the "Irish-twin cousin" thing didn't work for me. It didn't feel like a natural conversation, or something. Well, most of it works, but the particular part about the Irish-twin is what throws me. I won't go into an explanation, because I'd end up rambling. Anyway, I would change that passage and rework it. A lot. <.< And Lucas says they're from "different mothers," and different fathers, right? Again, I think that part could be changed as well.
7. A personal preference thing, but to me saying that she "fits the part" here sounds weird. But I'm blaming that on having a long day and getting lost in a part of town I've never been to before. @.@ It messed with my head.
6. Why is it surprising that Lidia is a well-known author? Lucas says "Surprisingly she is..." but I don't see why that is true. Maybe that is only because this is a very short piece from something that could end up being longer.
7. I like this line: "Just don't get her going on a discussion about romance, 'cause she'll sour your opinion real quick." I think it was a clever way of showing Lucas's character.
8. A couple times you say that people "murmured," Which is fine. But for some reason I really notice it when people murmur in writing and for me it felt like it wasn't really the right way to describe how they were speaking. Then again, I'm not the author. *zips mouth*
9. Ah, the "my woman" passage. Since this is short I'm not getting a good idea of what Marie's personality is like (though maybe more of her personality could be shown somehow?). Is she the type of woman who doesn't mind someone saying "She's my woman"? Frankly, if someone said that about me they'd regret it. O.o
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11. Sometimes it felt like Lidia, I think it was her, was getting a little preachy about writing. While what she says may or may not be true, maybe it could be written a little differently. Unless it's part of showing how she goes about being her black sheep self?
12. the "cliche black sheep", uh... (see, I used them. I couldn't help it XD ). It seemed weird to me for Marie to say that. I suppose that could be, again, because this is basically an excerpt.
13. Another little picky thing, but I found it a little weird for the description of Lidia's humor to be the "oddest sense of humor" or whatever it was >.>
14. Marie tells Lidia that Lucas said she (Lidia) didn't believe in love any more, but he technically just said something about not talking about romance with Lidia, so it seems a little skewed for Marie to jump to the conclusion that Lidia doesn't believe in love without seeing any of Marie's thoughts on the matter. And Lidia's little spiel about being disillusioned with love felt a little like a whack in the face. Not that it wouldn't be what Lidia would say, but--
15. Personal thing: the similarity between Lucas and Lidia's names. Not that is a problem, but for me there names were similar enough that a couple times it got a little distracting (you know, "hee hee, Lidia...flows so well with Lucas... Lidia-Lucas, Lidia-Lucas..." blah blah >.> ).
16. Maybe work a little on narrative technique? I don't mean to say it was bad at all, please don't take it that way. There were just some places where sometimes it felt a little like "and this happened, and this happen." Just sometimes. o.o
Wow. That ended up being way longer than I meant to. I hope I didn't say anything too mean. i didn't mean to, but I can get kinda mean when I comment on things people write. >.> I'm very sorry if that happened here.
Reply
Tis why I trust your opinions when it comes to writing!
I have already started working in some of your suggestions into a revision. Dunno if I'll post it on my LJ again, but I can certainly send you the file when I'm done with it.
Just keep in mind that this story has no beginning and I don't know if I'll ever flesh it out more than this, so don't look for any major character/plot developments from this... (and dangit, ellipses are part of my typing vocabulary, it's gonna be a hard habit to kick)
I would love to see your notes and such on that other really crappy story beginning I sent you~ I've been working on it some, but finals and laziness have hindered any more writing out of me. ^^;;
Reply
I understand that this may not ever get fleshed out, but you never know. XD But I wasn't sure what you were planning for it when I commented on it. And I understand laziness. I rule a kingdom of Laziness. >.> lol
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