(no subject)
Maybe I'm a man of mistakes. I can't really give rationale for anything I've done. I feel so pathetic and cheap. I'm trying to manage, to cope, but I feel like I didn't only let her down, I let myself down. I started to think back tonight, to those first couple of times we hung out, when late night kisses and unfinished movies made for sweaty hands and awkward hand holding. I miss the hand holding.
There has always been some kind of depression lingering. You could blame it on the childhood, but I've never been terribly good at being social and I've never managed to particularly fit in. People always ask "Why would anyone take their own life?" Well, I would have done it because everything else seemed a lot harder. I've never imagined myself living past the age of 25. This isn't a cry for help. This is me being open, because generally, I never am. It had been awhile since I felt as low as Monday night. If it wasn't for my friends, who somehow seem to stick with me no matter what, I don't think I'd ever be strong enough. But I've also learnt something. I feel okay with where my head is at right now. I knew I wasn't good enough for her. I was unemployed, lazy. I feel like I finally have the mind-set to tackle everything I have wanted to. What did it cost me? The most amazing person I have ever met, but maybe she's right, and maybe I will finally grow up and learn something from this.
It's the reason I'm still alive.
There has always been some kind of depression lingering. You could blame it on the childhood, but I've never been terribly good at being social and I've never managed to particularly fit in. People always ask "Why would anyone take their own life?" Well, I would have done it because everything else seemed a lot harder. I've never imagined myself living past the age of 25. This isn't a cry for help. This is me being open, because generally, I never am. It had been awhile since I felt as low as Monday night. If it wasn't for my friends, who somehow seem to stick with me no matter what, I don't think I'd ever be strong enough. But I've also learnt something. I feel okay with where my head is at right now. I knew I wasn't good enough for her. I was unemployed, lazy. I feel like I finally have the mind-set to tackle everything I have wanted to. What did it cost me? The most amazing person I have ever met, but maybe she's right, and maybe I will finally grow up and learn something from this.
It's the reason I'm still alive.