DRABBLE: The Ring
Title: The Ring
Rating: G
Word count: 100
A/N: This is (my first) original piece. No Siriuses, no Remuses, no Hogwarts.
The Ring
In the morning I stand on the pier and look out on the lake, and my hand moves up to my throat. The fingers close over the silver ring on a thin leather strap. It has been four months.
I don’t want to see his eyes reflected in ( Read more... )
Rating: G
Word count: 100
A/N: This is (my first) original piece. No Siriuses, no Remuses, no Hogwarts.
The Ring
In the morning I stand on the pier and look out on the lake, and my hand moves up to my throat. The fingers close over the silver ring on a thin leather strap. It has been four months.
I don’t want to see his eyes reflected in ( Read more... )
I’m glad that the form - the first person and the present tense - work so well for you. In such a tiny piece, I expect, it is the more essential to bring the reader as close to the scene as possible, to let them feel they can experience it despite the scarcity of information.
I’m deeply grateful for the concrit. I suppose I didn’t work on this drabble quite as long as I should have. Thank you for pointing out the repetition of “hand”, you’re right it is not necessary. With the second silver ring, however, I have a problem. I need it. I need it for the sequence: In my open hand lies the silver ring. The silver tether. Warm from my touch. I believe the repetition makes the change of the subject stand out better, and this is important. I’m wondering, then, whether this repetition is indeed so jarring. It’s separated from the first mention by more than a paragraph. What do you think?
I feel relieved now that the untold story can intrigue the reader and not merely irritate them. This, in fact, was one of my biggest worries: can a piece work if it neither has a background (like fanfiction) nor reveals the story behind it? Perhaps here the story seems obvious or predictable enough.
Thank you for showing me how the contrasts work. I’m glad they can be something more than mere description, that they can provoke you to ponder.
As you see, I took my time to reply - both due to the lack of time and in order to consider your comments. Which, as always, proved worth waiting for. Thank you again very much!
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No, I don’t think the repetition of “silver” is jarring. I suppose I noticed it only when reading again and again and glancing back while reading, partly in order to find some suggestions for further polishing in this wonderful piece. And now I must admit that you are right about the sequence. However, you could consider whether the word “silver” is necessary in the first paragraph. Perhaps it helps the reader build up the intended mental image of the ring immediately. On the other hand, at this point your character doesn’t look at the ring, as it’s inside her/his fist.
As you know, I always regard it as essential to bring the reader as close to the scene as possible, to let them feel they can experience it. Of course, in an extremely short story you absolutely have to do it immediately, if you want the reader to experience anything with the character. I want to believe the use of the first person and the present tense can work for other readers, too, if they can just forget the bias common among fanfic readers. I’ve been told that the mere idea of reading a first-person story is not so unappealing when the story is not fanfiction, because in this case the reader doesn’t have a preconception of the character’s voice. (I’ve found this explanation strange, because I think I’ve developed my Remus’s voice in my third-person fics, too.)
And I want to believe that a (longer or shorter) short story can work without accurate background given outside of it (in other stories written by the same or another author, or in notes outside of stories). (I seriously considered making Come Up With Me into non-fanfiction, but I now admit that it is better with the background readers know on the basis of JKR’s books, and when read together with my other stories.) In this case I don’t actually think the background is obvious. The person whose face your character doesn’t want to see could be absent for various reasons. This is what I find intriguing. Of course, it is possible that a lot of people are irritated by features I love.
Due to the lack of time and energy I didn’t manage to complete any replies to your comments during the last couple of nights. Every night, however, I’ve relaxed for a moment by reading some of your beautiful words and sometimes writing a few words or sentences of response. I trust I’ll succeed in communicating something to you over the weekend. Thank you so much once again for making me feel that there is a connection and I’m not alone when thinking about these stories.
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I feel relieved that the silver repetition is not jarring. As you said yourself, I think I need the adjective at the beginning as well, so that the reader can see the ring at once. Yes, even if the narrator doesn’t - the narrator already knows the ring is made of silver, is aware of it when reaching for it. There is no reason for me to deny the reader the chance to share this awareness.
I absolutely agree that you have developed your Remus’s voice in the third-person narrative, so indeed the simple differentiation between the persons isn’t quite enough to encompass all the possibilities. Perhaps people forget that there are a few different kinds of the third-person narrative: a narrator who follows everyone, a narrator who follows just one character, and so on - and the presence or lack of a character’s voice depends on that. I find this explanation strange for another reason, too: if we reject fics because we assume we won’t like the author’s take on a character (which is expressed also in the character’s voice), then why should we bother to read anything besides canon at all? I don’t get the logic, really.
When I published my “unfinished” stories, such as “A Prank” or “Nightly Light”, on ff.net, reviewers often asked me what would happen next and whether I was going to write a follow-up. And I was incredulous at first, because for me the whole point and beauty of these pieces was exactly the lack of answers. Later I thought that perhaps most readers don’t appreciate when a story asks questions and offers no answers. Perhaps they want to read a fic which ends so and so and, satisfied, get back to their lives. I feel reassured, remembering how you told me you liked my unanswered questions and knowing that now you enjoy the possibilities for interpretation offered by my drabble instead of getting annoyed, because what the hell was this all about?! I think I now know what it is all about. I don’t want to tell a story. I want to show an image which comes from a story. The image is supposed to evoke emotions. And I’d like my reader to follow them and perhaps see their own story behind the image. Now I must ask you: does all this make sense, and can this work? Obviously not for all readers, but generally, theoretically? And can you say this is how it works for you? Forgive me this shameless attempt at exploitation, but you can so extraordinarily help me become aware of certain aspects of writing.
I hope this week will be kinder to you. Thank you for the constant encouragement and keeping in contact despite the adversities. As one professor whom we both happen to know once said, “It helps. It really helps.”
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Oh yes, this must be how at least The Ring works for me. Yes, it can work. And perhaps you could convince a publisher that it can be a part of a product to sell.
Perhaps people forget that there are a few different kinds of the third-person narrative
Yes, and people say inaccurately something like which pov they prefer, first person or third person. In fact, I don’t know if I use the terms correctly, as I haven’t studied creative writing, but I use “pov” (point of view) in the same sense as “perspective”, and I call the use of the first person, for instance, a technique.
if we reject fics because we assume we won’t like the author’s take on a character (which is expressed also in the character’s voice), then why should we bother to read anything besides canon at all?
Thank you! I hadn’t thought of that argument. I suppose most people read fanfic for the explicit ships, and they’d rather not see any original take on a character, not too fleshed-out a person, so they can concentrate on the “mature” scenes.
they want to read a fic which ends so and so
That’s it. I think someone in those genfic discussions mentioned that: people want to get the promise for their OTP in happily ever after. Or at last in a tragic end after a hot scene. That’s why labelling other types of fics as slash or het and/or with a pairing will lead to disappointments.
You’ve also made me think that perhaps I don’t need to figure out how exactly my Remus’s story should end. At least some issues can remain as questions.
I’m sorry if it shows that the past week turned out to be worse than the previous (bad) weeks. I can’t stop thinking about it, so I’ve refused to be comforted by fiction, and try to work on the curriculum, which is supposed to be finalized in a few weeks (and which I never have time to work on during the working hours).
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I use the terms pov/perspective just as you do: it can be for instance Remus’s pov, or someone else’s, and the person is basically the narration technique. According to my beloved Webster’s, point of view is “the position of the narrator in relation to the story, as indicated by the narrator’s outlook from which the events are depicted and by the attitude toward the characters.” So, it seems we’re right.
I suppose most people read fanfic for the explicit ships, and they’d rather not see any original take on a character, not too fleshed-out a person, so they can concentrate on the “mature” scenes.
I think it’s not just about the “mature” scenes. I believe many readers expect more stereotypical approach where they can recognise their favourite characters immediately and where said characters are similar in all stories. For instance, your Remus is immediately recognisable and perfectly justified, but he is different from most Remuses. You startle the reader, with the originality of your observations (and then with their accuracy). I can be abysmally wrong, but perhaps you deny the reader the sense of comfort in that he/she can’t anticipate every move and thought of the character? Anyway, I’d say it’s not just the need for PWP but the fact that the readers expect rather general simplicity and predictability of the picture that leads them to avoid fics with more original characterisation. (I hope you can make some sense from this …)
Do you think you will rest without knowing (not necessarily writing) how your Remus’s story ends? And obviously I don’t mean his ultimate death.
It’s been a long time since you posted your comment and I can only hope the situation has finally improved. Please don’t worry about anything showing or not, your sincerity makes me happy even if I’m sorry you’re not feeling well.
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perhaps you deny the reader the sense of comfort in that he/she can’t anticipate every move and thought of the character?
I wish I could now find the review which said something about the reader having not been able to guess what Remus would think or do - and still ending up with the feeling that what he thought and did was perfectly convincing, just what the character into whom I’d made him would inevitably think and do.
I’m glad you agree with me about the meaning of those terms (pov, person), so at least the two of us can use them without misunderstandings. I hardly need them in any discussions elsewhere any longer. I just had a look at the FA Writers’ Corner, and it really seems to me that something has changed in this community of writers. Is this where I used to have discussions which helped me develop as a writer?
Who am I to give you advice to sell your writing? Perhaps I’ve never been ambitious enough in any practical way to even look for magazines to which I could offer anything (since, at the age of ten, I sent an about-fifteen-stanza cat poem to an evening paper’s children’s corner, and they published two stanzas). Now it would be more difficult because I’d have to contact magazines in English-speaking countries (if I wrote non-fanfiction in English, either). But recently I’ve thought that I’ll always publish only online and without trying to make any profit, so I won’t have to make any compromises. I still can’t resist repeating that I don’t believe the best works necessarily sell best.
Oh, Remus’s end… Perhaps I’ll never rest, and never complete the story? No, I hope I’ll write the conclusions in a somewhat ambiguous way, and I’ll interpret them myself, too.
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