DRABBLE: The Ring

[ishonn]

Title: The Ring
Rating: G
Word count: 100
A/N: This is (my first) original piece. No Siriuses, no Remuses, no Hogwarts.

The Ring

In the morning I stand on the pier and look out on the lake, and my hand moves up to my throat. The fingers close over the silver ring on a thin leather strap. It has been four months.

I don’t want to see his eyes reflected in

Comments

[paulamcg]

I’ve been afraid I can’t do justice to this piece, but I have to finally say something, so we can start discussing it. As you must have been able to guess, I like the first person and the present tense. In your hands they take me to the time and place of a turning point in such a way that I experience a complete event and reach a vivid image of it.

The word throat makes the opening sentence dramatic. I like the silver ring, too. Perhaps, however, you could have left out the word silver in the sentence starting In my open hand… Oh, and why not On my open palm…, so as to refrain from repeating hand - as if it were a serious offence! I’m just trying my best to avoid exclusive praise.

The untold story here is intriguing… What happens here looks simple, but you’ve managed to include subtle contrasts. Between the ease with which the ring disappears and the violence the narrator needs to do to the string and to herself (himself?). And it’s interesting to stop and wonder how the warmth derives from her (his?) own touch alone.

[ishonn]

Thank you so very much for commenting on this piece! As my first ‘independent’ story it obviously matters a lot to me. You can probably guess I had … no, I have a thousand doubts about it. I’m so happy you dispelled at least some of them.

I’m glad that the form - the first person and the present tense - work so well for you. In such a tiny piece, I expect, it is the more essential to bring the reader as close to the scene as possible, to let them feel they can experience it despite the scarcity of information.

I’m deeply grateful for the concrit. I suppose I didn’t work on this drabble quite as long as I should have. Thank you for pointing out the repetition of “hand”, you’re right it is not necessary. With the second silver ring, however, I have a problem. I need it. I need it for the sequence: In my open hand lies the silver ring. The silver tether. Warm from my touch. I believe the repetition makes the change of the subject stand out better, and this is important. I’m wondering, then, whether this repetition is indeed so jarring

[paulamcg]

I’m so glad my remarks could help you get rid of some of your doubts, at least. I hope you’ll feel confident to write other “independent” pieces of fic. This reminded me of the issue of publicity which I mentioned to you before you decided to open an lj account, I think. Are you sure you want to publish non-fanfiction without friends-locking these entries, as you might want to offer the pieces to a publisher some day?

No, I don’t think the repetition of “silver” is jarring. I suppose I noticed it only when reading again and again and glancing back while reading, partly in order to find some suggestions for further polishing in this wonderful piece. And now I must admit that you are right about the sequence. However, you could consider whether the word “silver” is necessary in the first paragraph. Perhaps it helps the reader build up the intended mental image of the ring immediately. On the other hand, at this point your character doesn’t look at the ring, as it’s inside her/his fist.

As you know, I always regard it as essential to

[ishonn]

Do you honestly think these pieces could ever be offered to (and accepted by) a publisher? If so, it’s a great compliment for me, but I must doubt it. However, perhaps you are right in the principle