FIC: These Nights

[ishonn]

Title: These Nights
Characters: Remus/Sirius
Era: post-Hogwarts
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 759
Disclaimer: I disclaim.
A/N: I suppose I’m being a complete impatient idiot, posting at once like this instead of letting the fic lie in my drawer for a bit. But, like I said, I’m an impatient idiot. A happy one, though! My (good) excuse is that this way I

Comments

[paulamcg]

I guessed you’d efficiently edit this piece before I had time to comment again. (We had dinner at some friends’, and at night I was sick because I’d thought I needed to be polite and at least taste some of the food wih garlic in it.) I do like the title. I can’t resist saying that it looks like I’d suggested it, but I’m proud to let everyone know that I didn’t! Perhaps the original title would attract readers better, while this one is poetic and simple - straight from the text itself, part of Remus’s worded consciousness. I feel that Drinking Games causes a distance - in my view it’s an outsider’s joke, even though Remus also tries to tell himself that it’s all funny.

No, in fact I don’t think the coffee is unnecessary. Sirius’s cup of coffee makes it understandable that he’s in the kitchen; it shows he’s not drinking anything else yet; it shows that Remus observes him carefully, and is even concerned about the state of his coffee, while Sirius is concerned about Remus’s state! Besides, we have already learnt that Sirius drinks coffee (in the mornings), so it adds to the illusion that we know him. The must have is the fluent way of making the consistent perspective clear. And I really like the whole long sentence, even though (or because) the interjection and the repetition of he jumps make the structure unconventional. This is somehow the climax of the story for me, and perhaps the most dynamic moment, and in it I like the contrast between Remus’s oh, so tired and Sirius moving so quickly.

I wonder if this repetition is intentional, so I just suggest you consider it, if you haven’t already done that:
some cheap American film … some cheap bar
Perhaps this sounds exactly convincing: the natural repetition in Remus’s typical way of wording things in his mind.

For some reason I particularly like, and pours himself some more wine. Just because there’s nothing new in it. It’s just for himself and it’s just what he’s been doing all the time (these nights). Funny!

I do like the closing line now, and I don’t think it’s necessary to repeat the second line, too. But I wonder if the previous couple of paragraphs could flow together better. Perhaps the third paragraph from the end is a bit too hurried. Do we need the sandwich… or even the bathroom or the door closing in the previous part of that chain? Here you only list things: undressing before bathroom… When you don’t really show him doing these things in any unique way (like the way he takes specific positions on the couch - I’m so fond of all those vivid images), so perhaps you could leave it all out and go on directly, “… he’s gone. Soon it’s time to open the cupboard.” And then combine the two paragraphs in italics, “… nothing, nothing. He offers them back…” Just a quick, not-so-carefully-considered suggestion, I’m afraid.

I don’t think I can complain about temporary kinks. (I, too, had a tendency to get up earlier and earlier soon after I’d started writing fanfic, in autumn 2003, so my Remus got this tendency in August 1996 and spent his early mornings making sketches for the owl painting.) But I hope I won’t see your characters continue to drink excessively.

I’m so happy about the praise you’ve been given. I’m afraid my writing mood, too, is affected strongly by feedback. (It’s risky to focus on writing updates nobody is likely to read for a long time. In fact, the recent 400 words are inspired by feedback you gave to me on part one in January!) Thank you for your inspiring words about A Rosy Sunset.

[ishonn]

Yes, I remembered you were invited to your husband’s friends. I’m so sorry to hear you were sick; I hope you’re feeling much better now!

I’m so glad you like the title! I came up with the idea soon after posting my reply to your comment, when I was going through the text once again. Oh, you spell out the notion so precisely: yes, Drinking Games would be an outsider’s joke, you’re perfectly right.

I’m relieved that you find the coffee important - I’d be very reluctant to admit it weren’t, exactly for the reasons you mention. It’s good to hear that the sentence works fine now and that you appreciate the structure. You must be right about this moment being the climax of the story, because we expect something to happen, to change - and it doesn’t. There’s a moment of greatest tension and then comes the disappointment together with the bittersweet understanding: they do love each other, they just can’t- They just can’t.

No, the repetition wasn’t intentional. I noticed it and considered changing cheap film into corny film, but somehow put off making the decision. In any case you’re being extremely clever again, finding possible explanations for my stylistic shortcomings. I suppose I must thank you …

It does sound funny about the more wine part, but I think I understand what you mean: it’s just such a simple statement for such a simple thing Remus does, with no decorations.

And again you see exactly the same weaknesses as I do! I have to admit I haven’t been satisfied with the sandwich paragraph. Your suggestions make a lot of sense; I’d like to keep Remus’s short resistance, though, and let him reply to what Sirius says in a separate paragraph. (Not everywhere, but in some places the first words from a new paragraph seem to be an answer to the last ones from the previous paragraph, creating double meaning - I think it works like that here, too.) What do you say to that:

And this is it. Sirius reaches for his jacket and brushes past Remus, and then he’s gone.

He’s finally falling asleep when there’s the sound of the key turning, some shuffling in the hall and unsteady feet padding over to his couch. And then - a warm hand on his arm and a breath reeking of alcohol against his ear, and soft words that mean nothing, nothing, nothing.

It doesn’t take long before Remus gives up. He knows he won’t fall asleep, so after another internal debate he shrugs half-heartedly and opens the cupboard.

He offers them back while Sirius is helping him up, and together they make their way to the bedroom, their bedroom.

Remus doesn’t really like alcohol, but these nights it’s become necessity.

I was also considering whether to add: Alone in the flat before It doesn’t take long … (without the italics, of course), to stress that it’s the loneliness that both urges and allows Remus to reach for the bottle.

If you’re worried about my characters drinking for their sake, then don’t - Remus is a wise boy. If for my sake - then it’s too late ^_^

It makes me feel so happy that my words could inspire you to write! I think I’m even more influenced by the fact that I’m reading again than by feedback, though. Well, the awareness that I can offer my work for immediate reception to numerous readers definitely helps.

Again many, many thanks for your comments! I think I’m slowly becoming a better person …

[paulamcg]

Oops, I must sleep soon, so just a quick reply. And thank you, I’m feeling much better. (It’s just a pity I’ll have to wake up early, whereas last night I could have stayed up late, trying to write.)

I think ”corny” would be fine, too. I remember my American friends using it a lot in the eighties, and I just hope it isn’t only American. In any case, Remus could use it when referring to American films!

I meant that the more wine part sounds just suitably funny to be Remus’s thought at the moment.

Yes, I agree that Remus’s reply to the soft words must be in another paragraph, and here it means there must be something in between. However, I’m not sure you can refer to the words with them after such a break, unless there is something suitably in plural in the interjection, too. And don’t you think another internal debate is very abstract? Perhaps that’s what Remus wants to call it - just mentioning a possibility of a debate in his mind, without really going through it. But I think I’d prefer something simple and concrete. I like the idea of referring to the loneliness, but I’d avoid using a phrase like “alone…” when the person who’s alone is not the subject of the main sentence. How about, “Left all alone, he knows he won’t be able to fall asleep. He won’t… Yes, he will… open the cupboard again.” Well, perhaps not exactly like that. It sounds a bit hurried, too. And could the next paragraph start, “He offers the words back…”

I’m afraid I’m not an expert in this topic. I can’t remember having ever had internal debates when drinking was a habit of mine. You are a wise girl, wiser than I was. I trust it’s not too late. (I started when I was twenty-one and stopped when I was thirty.)

[ishonn]

Thank you for replying again despite the late hour! I’m glad you’re okay now.

You’re right, the pronoun isn’t enough when there’s a whole paragraph between it and the soft words. I changed it into: He offers these words back … - I think it’s better than just the words.

I agree on your remarks about the next paragraph, too; thank you for spelling out your doubts so precisely for me! How about:
It doesn’t take long before Remus gives up. He knows he won’t fall asleep, he doesn’t even feel like trying. He shrugs half-heartedly and opens the cupboard.

For some reason I’d like to keep the last sentence of this paragraph as it is, I like its sound. On the other hand, there might be a dissonance between the general and abstract idea of Remus’s knowing and the concrete detail of his shrugging. I’m also a little worried about the number of doesn’t’s, there are two here and another one in the last paragraph. It doesn’t (!) disturb me, but perhaps you feel it’s too much?

I believe I am being wise enough. I like to have a glass of wine in the evening when I’m reading or writing, but I don’t think it’s as much as a habit. But I keep watching myself closely, just in case. Thank you for caring.