Its funny
My neighbor called last night. Almost ironic isnt it? 6 times she called. Her number was erased from my phone so I didnt know it was her, so I called back to find out who was calling me at 3:30 in the morning. I got her answering machine, realized who it was and hung up. Within 5 minutes she called back. I was sitting at the diner at the bar with a milk shake. diner milk shakes arent that good. but it gave me a brain freeze and it felt refreshing. I needed it to hurt. Maybe if I could really freeze my brain I wouldnt have to think. It didnt work. Within an hour and a half my neighbor called me 5 times. Each time I looked at the number as it scrolled by the screen, opened my phone and clapped it shut. never put it back in my pocket; just spun it on the bar counter with my fingers, watching it twirl hoping I would somehow be subdued by the memorizing swirl of my phone. Hoping that if I got dizzy enough, a more reassuring number would scroll across. I never picked up the phone. I never wanted to. Out of 80,000 places she could have sat at the game today, she sat a few rows behind me. I never noticed until she was leaving. I wouldnt have noticed if the person to my left wasnt talking to me. Funny...I never talked to her. I never wanted to.
Some things are just funny. Every time I think about doubting my grandmother she makes me laugh. Even if I dont understand what shes trying to say to me, she does something to make me laugh. Sometimes shell do something crazy that will make me wonder what shes trying to say or what shes trying to do and then somehow, without me even understanding why, shell make me smile. As soon as I got in the truck to pick up Justin, a song had just started. Id never heard it before and I dont know who it was by. I barely remember the lyrics, but it made me smile. Shes always there. I know it. And so I keep on going.
I spent a lot of time walking around campus, mostly sitting by my favorite fountain. Thinking, hurting, contemplating, hurting. Every time I think I understand, that Ive grown, that Ive finally come up with a solution, its crumbled. This is a lose/lose situation and Im afraid. Im scared to lose the one feeling Ive always dreamed of feeling. Im scared of losing the person that makes me feel that way. And so I think up ways to make it work. Like I said before, its like trying to solve a jig saw puzzle with a missing piece. I know the jig saw puzzle can be fixed...but where the fuck did that other piece go. I itch all over but I dont know where to scratch. And so I keep looking, determined, even though I know the missing piece was never actually packaged. It was a trick puzzle. So I have to mold the piece and it takes time and effort, especially since I dont know how to make a puzzle piece. But I know it can be done. Patience, sacrifice, time, effort. Packaging the fuckin piece would have been too easy. Ill appreciate it more once Im the one that has worked to complete it. Enough with the analogies. When it comes right down to it, it will either work or it wont. If its gunna work, its gunna come with work. And hurt feelings. But isnt that what makes us stronger...what makes a lesson? No one believes me when I tell them, and I couldnt care less; but I made up a quote that Ive lived by my entire life, and it reminds me to keep going for the one thing I know Ive always wanted: "with every action theres a consequence, and inevitably a lesson. Its what we do with these lessons that shape our lives". Im always learning, and each time I learn I realize more and more what Im learning for. "I see your face with every punch I take, every bone I break, its all for you, and my worst pains are words I cannot say, still I will always fight on for you". I wont stop, as long as youre waiting. I know this isnt the best solution, but there isnt any others that are better. Theyre all worse, and I know it. Trust me....thats all.
Some things are just funny. Every time I think about doubting my grandmother she makes me laugh. Even if I dont understand what shes trying to say to me, she does something to make me laugh. Sometimes shell do something crazy that will make me wonder what shes trying to say or what shes trying to do and then somehow, without me even understanding why, shell make me smile. As soon as I got in the truck to pick up Justin, a song had just started. Id never heard it before and I dont know who it was by. I barely remember the lyrics, but it made me smile. Shes always there. I know it. And so I keep on going.
I spent a lot of time walking around campus, mostly sitting by my favorite fountain. Thinking, hurting, contemplating, hurting. Every time I think I understand, that Ive grown, that Ive finally come up with a solution, its crumbled. This is a lose/lose situation and Im afraid. Im scared to lose the one feeling Ive always dreamed of feeling. Im scared of losing the person that makes me feel that way. And so I think up ways to make it work. Like I said before, its like trying to solve a jig saw puzzle with a missing piece. I know the jig saw puzzle can be fixed...but where the fuck did that other piece go. I itch all over but I dont know where to scratch. And so I keep looking, determined, even though I know the missing piece was never actually packaged. It was a trick puzzle. So I have to mold the piece and it takes time and effort, especially since I dont know how to make a puzzle piece. But I know it can be done. Patience, sacrifice, time, effort. Packaging the fuckin piece would have been too easy. Ill appreciate it more once Im the one that has worked to complete it. Enough with the analogies. When it comes right down to it, it will either work or it wont. If its gunna work, its gunna come with work. And hurt feelings. But isnt that what makes us stronger...what makes a lesson? No one believes me when I tell them, and I couldnt care less; but I made up a quote that Ive lived by my entire life, and it reminds me to keep going for the one thing I know Ive always wanted: "with every action theres a consequence, and inevitably a lesson. Its what we do with these lessons that shape our lives". Im always learning, and each time I learn I realize more and more what Im learning for. "I see your face with every punch I take, every bone I break, its all for you, and my worst pains are words I cannot say, still I will always fight on for you". I wont stop, as long as youre waiting. I know this isnt the best solution, but there isnt any others that are better. Theyre all worse, and I know it. Trust me....thats all.