Dr. Isoma reporting
Wow. Whens the last time Ive used this thing? Like a kafillion months ago (thats a coined word by Dr. Isoma, which represents a number that excedes trillion). You heard me right: Dr. Isoma. Thats what Ive been calling myself lately. Sad thing is, pretty soon I have to actually start worrying about getting into a doctorate program to continue with psychology. I dont know if Ill make it or not, but I know that I have a chance. Things are looking ahead for me and Ive really begun to understand myself and what I really want out of life. Since the beginning of this year Ive had friends accuse me of being "just a regular asshole guy, like the rest" because Ive fucked up a couple times to see where I belong in this college life. I think Ive lived it to its full potential and have pretty much covered the whole guy spectrum: everywhere from really nice, to a big asshole. And thats ok with me. I needed to experience it to learn from it. I lived the life of a normal guy for a bit and Im not gunna lie, I had fun. It was an interesting and trippy ride that was worth the while but its not me. Now many dont even believe that i can go back to the way I was, the nice, innocent Zack. Its started out as a way to prove them wrong, now its just a life style I want to get back. It fits my personality more and its more of something I want to carry on into where ever it is I go next.
What else? I got my braces off, I bought a truck, Ive been admitted into the psychology department, Im a 2nd year junior and I only have 20 crdit hours left to finish the psych major. Time goes by fast. Sometimes too fast, sometimes not fast enough. I know where I want to be and what I want to do and I want to start doing it as soon as possible. It makes me so excited every time I think about my future and the journey Ive been taken on and the people Ive met on the way. Im almost positive Ive found the reason Ive been pushed (instinctively) to live the rest of my life in Boston, although it cant be attributed to only one factor. There are many reasons why I want to move to boston and I want to do it soon. At the same time, I dont know how to be 20 years old. I dont want to be. I miss being a naive and imaginative kid who was never embarrased to wear a towel on his back to show his superpowers no matter where he went. I miss knowing my mom would never give up on herself or life and I miss knowing that my Dad was not only the funniest man on earth but also the most intelligent. I want it all back and I dont want to leave it again. I hate the trivialization of this adult life Im being forced to live every day. I want to go home and put back on my ninja turtle mask and hide from it all. But because its impossible, I take what Im given and live every moment for what its worth. I know what I want and I dont want to let anything get in the way of me getting it. I just hope I can keep in touch with the best friends on the way. Andrew is living on his own with a few other guys down near sarasota still and wants to become a manager at publix, Ill be in Boston. Sean wants to move to St agustine near Jacksonville to continue his dreams of playing music and hopefully continuing his education in being an EMT; Ill be in Boston. Chris plays football for UM and may one day be a star in the NFL; Ill be in Boston. I know I can keep in touch with these guys and I know that we can remain as good as friends as we always have been, but it wont be the same. It may be years after I move before I see Sean, andrew or chris again. We'll all be so wrapped up in our own lives, that our deal to visit each other atleast 2 times a year would dissipate. And what about Justin or Cortney or the girls? I can already feel myself drifting from them and them drifting from each other. But I guess its what needs to happen. Its my choice to go to Boston and I know thats where i want to be.
As I contemplate the complications that I must face in applying for graduate schools and doctorate programs possibily in the next year and a half (maybe sooner, maybe later), I also contemplate the one thing my mom said to me when I was 8: "dont ever change". Ive changed. Some for the good, some for the bad. I know Ive made my mom proud but I know Ive failed her as well. I want to be how I was when i was 8, but since I cant, I want to be the best that i can be at the age that I am. I want to live for what I know I am here for and I want to do it right. As crazy as Im sure it must sound to everyone its told to, cause its crazy to me as well, I may have found the person Ive always dreamed of having, but distance hinders any ability for a relationship right now and so I live life the way I have been but keeping it in the back of my mind. Sean put it in perspective for me when he asked for my deifinition of abnormalcy. When I told him it was simply different than what the general population was doing he replied with something that hit me hard: "If youre talking about following your dreams, Zack, your no more abnormal than anyone I know". Thats what its become, a dream. Ive found my dream and its been constructed in my head thousands of times in a way that would make me want to just jump for it immediately. But I remain grounded in defensive pessimism, knowing that its the best thing to do if I want to watch my reconstructed dream form into something tangible. Its a matter of following the dream.
What else? I got my braces off, I bought a truck, Ive been admitted into the psychology department, Im a 2nd year junior and I only have 20 crdit hours left to finish the psych major. Time goes by fast. Sometimes too fast, sometimes not fast enough. I know where I want to be and what I want to do and I want to start doing it as soon as possible. It makes me so excited every time I think about my future and the journey Ive been taken on and the people Ive met on the way. Im almost positive Ive found the reason Ive been pushed (instinctively) to live the rest of my life in Boston, although it cant be attributed to only one factor. There are many reasons why I want to move to boston and I want to do it soon. At the same time, I dont know how to be 20 years old. I dont want to be. I miss being a naive and imaginative kid who was never embarrased to wear a towel on his back to show his superpowers no matter where he went. I miss knowing my mom would never give up on herself or life and I miss knowing that my Dad was not only the funniest man on earth but also the most intelligent. I want it all back and I dont want to leave it again. I hate the trivialization of this adult life Im being forced to live every day. I want to go home and put back on my ninja turtle mask and hide from it all. But because its impossible, I take what Im given and live every moment for what its worth. I know what I want and I dont want to let anything get in the way of me getting it. I just hope I can keep in touch with the best friends on the way. Andrew is living on his own with a few other guys down near sarasota still and wants to become a manager at publix, Ill be in Boston. Sean wants to move to St agustine near Jacksonville to continue his dreams of playing music and hopefully continuing his education in being an EMT; Ill be in Boston. Chris plays football for UM and may one day be a star in the NFL; Ill be in Boston. I know I can keep in touch with these guys and I know that we can remain as good as friends as we always have been, but it wont be the same. It may be years after I move before I see Sean, andrew or chris again. We'll all be so wrapped up in our own lives, that our deal to visit each other atleast 2 times a year would dissipate. And what about Justin or Cortney or the girls? I can already feel myself drifting from them and them drifting from each other. But I guess its what needs to happen. Its my choice to go to Boston and I know thats where i want to be.
As I contemplate the complications that I must face in applying for graduate schools and doctorate programs possibily in the next year and a half (maybe sooner, maybe later), I also contemplate the one thing my mom said to me when I was 8: "dont ever change". Ive changed. Some for the good, some for the bad. I know Ive made my mom proud but I know Ive failed her as well. I want to be how I was when i was 8, but since I cant, I want to be the best that i can be at the age that I am. I want to live for what I know I am here for and I want to do it right. As crazy as Im sure it must sound to everyone its told to, cause its crazy to me as well, I may have found the person Ive always dreamed of having, but distance hinders any ability for a relationship right now and so I live life the way I have been but keeping it in the back of my mind. Sean put it in perspective for me when he asked for my deifinition of abnormalcy. When I told him it was simply different than what the general population was doing he replied with something that hit me hard: "If youre talking about following your dreams, Zack, your no more abnormal than anyone I know". Thats what its become, a dream. Ive found my dream and its been constructed in my head thousands of times in a way that would make me want to just jump for it immediately. But I remain grounded in defensive pessimism, knowing that its the best thing to do if I want to watch my reconstructed dream form into something tangible. Its a matter of following the dream.