I'm too tired to think of a snappy title...
It's 3AM in the morning, and I can't sleep. Partly, it's because I'm sick and very uncomfortable. Every movement makes it worse, and even when I don't move it's still there niggling at the back of my mind. I've been trying to get to sleep for over 4 hours...and I'm exhausted!! But the discomfort is keeping me awake.
That's not all, though. To make matters infinitely worse, I'm cold and sad. The cold part I could deal with, had I not been told by doctors to dress lightly in case I make myself sicker. I'm sad, because my boyfriend, who's been visiting this week, isn't here anymore.How pathetic is that? He's only been gone for 12 hours, but already I miss his presence. Even when he was asleep (and if he were here I'd be taking great pains to assure he wasn't woken by me), at least he was here!
I've made a promise to myself that I'll work my butt off this year. I need awesome marks so Ourimbah University will want me to transfer.
I'm trying so hard not to cry, or bitch about how unfair it is. I know he loves me, and I love him too. Nothing is going to change that, and that's not the problem. This relationship is so amazing and scary to me. I never dreamed I could feel so strongly about someone, but loving him is the easiest thing I've ever done. How can I not love someone who treats me so well? Someone who's willing to hold me (in the early hours of the morning, after I've woken him with my crying) when I have an irrational dream, and talking to me patiently when I'm being silly? Yes, sometimes that cool logicality of his annoys me. That's the paradoxical thing about being in love. When you're in the wrong mood, the things you love most about someone can become the most frustrating.
But I can't be in a mood around him for long, he's too silly. The other night, when I was sobbing, no, bawling over that stupid dream, he said, "So, a horse walked into a bar."
I wasn't sure where he was going with it, so I asked "Did it hurt?" (Still sniffling in an annoying fashion. I hate how blocked up I get after I cry.)
"No," he said. "The bartender yelled 'Get out, we don't serve your kind here!' ."
It was stupid, and completely not funny, but the look he gave me was. I was still upset for a little while after that, so he stayed up with me until I was able to go to sleep, and in light of that the dream seemed so unimportant.
But now he's gone home, and I'm left wondering how I can survive 3 months until I see him again. That's the scary thing about loving him. While I love my mum and family to bits, and miss them a lot when I'm away, I'm over my homesick stage. Now I get boyfriend-sick. Phone calls and texts just aren't the same. I love them, and yes, we have our best conversations on the phone. But I think that's partly because we don't actually see each other for a long enough length of time to have those conversations face to face.
I wish I could come into some money. Then I'd be able to take flying visits in between the holidays. When I decided I could live with visits every 3 months, I didn't realise how much I'd miss just being held.
I think I can sleep now.
That's not all, though. To make matters infinitely worse, I'm cold and sad. The cold part I could deal with, had I not been told by doctors to dress lightly in case I make myself sicker. I'm sad, because my boyfriend, who's been visiting this week, isn't here anymore.How pathetic is that? He's only been gone for 12 hours, but already I miss his presence. Even when he was asleep (and if he were here I'd be taking great pains to assure he wasn't woken by me), at least he was here!
I've made a promise to myself that I'll work my butt off this year. I need awesome marks so Ourimbah University will want me to transfer.
I'm trying so hard not to cry, or bitch about how unfair it is. I know he loves me, and I love him too. Nothing is going to change that, and that's not the problem. This relationship is so amazing and scary to me. I never dreamed I could feel so strongly about someone, but loving him is the easiest thing I've ever done. How can I not love someone who treats me so well? Someone who's willing to hold me (in the early hours of the morning, after I've woken him with my crying) when I have an irrational dream, and talking to me patiently when I'm being silly? Yes, sometimes that cool logicality of his annoys me. That's the paradoxical thing about being in love. When you're in the wrong mood, the things you love most about someone can become the most frustrating.
But I can't be in a mood around him for long, he's too silly. The other night, when I was sobbing, no, bawling over that stupid dream, he said, "So, a horse walked into a bar."
I wasn't sure where he was going with it, so I asked "Did it hurt?" (Still sniffling in an annoying fashion. I hate how blocked up I get after I cry.)
"No," he said. "The bartender yelled 'Get out, we don't serve your kind here!' ."
It was stupid, and completely not funny, but the look he gave me was. I was still upset for a little while after that, so he stayed up with me until I was able to go to sleep, and in light of that the dream seemed so unimportant.
But now he's gone home, and I'm left wondering how I can survive 3 months until I see him again. That's the scary thing about loving him. While I love my mum and family to bits, and miss them a lot when I'm away, I'm over my homesick stage. Now I get boyfriend-sick. Phone calls and texts just aren't the same. I love them, and yes, we have our best conversations on the phone. But I think that's partly because we don't actually see each other for a long enough length of time to have those conversations face to face.
I wish I could come into some money. Then I'd be able to take flying visits in between the holidays. When I decided I could live with visits every 3 months, I didn't realise how much I'd miss just being held.
I think I can sleep now.