I feel like global warming. Unwanted.
Damn it...
I should be asleep, I have to get up tomorrow. But I'm having one of my depression nights. I tried calling a friend earlier, he said I could call him no matter what if I ever felt the need to talk, but he wouldn't, answer. Whatever, I guess.
I'm kinda getting used to being considered something of an inconvenience to people. At least, I assume I am. They always need to do other things whilst talking with me...am I not important enough to demand their full attention?
It doesn't bother me most of the time, really. I honestly don't mind if I've called in the middle of something, and they want to keep going. That's all well and dandy.
But when they keep doing it...or begin doing something mid conversation...well, it gets old after a while. I really don't mind if it's just once in a while. Only when it's every damned time. You could just tell me to go away. Sure, it'd hurt, but a lot less, I think. I'm the oldest, I'm used to sharing. Doesn't mean I like it.
You're my friend, can't you focus on me for one measly half hour? Maybe I have something really important I need to talk to you about!!
Dammit, now I'm crying again.
I feel so invisible sometimes, because I only show people that happy side. Bur when I try showing how horrid I feel, people want a reason that coincides with right this instant.
Hello, I've been through enough crap that I haven't dealt with, and you're not helping! When the only reason people want to pay attention to me seems to be carnal, it doesn't make me feel better about myself. I need more than that! I like that you find me attractive, but I'd rather you paid attention to what I was SAYING, too! I don't call you to carry on a conversation with the entire room while you talk to someone else! I'm calling because I want to talk to YOU, privately!
I was really worried about today last night, and I couldn't chat with you about it because you were busy and had me on speaker, so I had to be bright and happy and bury those feelings away. I guess I did a good job, usually you can tell when I'm full of it. I didn't know how much the other people in the room knew, and I didn't feel like adding to their knowledge. Then by the time you took me off speaker it was almost time for me to go to sleep so I didn't want to talk about it anymore.
And tonight...dammit.
I feel really depressed again. And irrational. And the worst thing is, tomorrow I'll regret ever posting this.
But right now I don't care. Because I'm so sad that my throat is raw and my head is pounding. I didn't get the chance to talk with someone about all the crap that went on today, and I NEEDED to. I feel horrible. I feel like doing something stupid. At least this won't hurt anyone besides me.
I should be asleep, I have to get up tomorrow. But I'm having one of my depression nights. I tried calling a friend earlier, he said I could call him no matter what if I ever felt the need to talk, but he wouldn't, answer. Whatever, I guess.
I'm kinda getting used to being considered something of an inconvenience to people. At least, I assume I am. They always need to do other things whilst talking with me...am I not important enough to demand their full attention?
It doesn't bother me most of the time, really. I honestly don't mind if I've called in the middle of something, and they want to keep going. That's all well and dandy.
But when they keep doing it...or begin doing something mid conversation...well, it gets old after a while. I really don't mind if it's just once in a while. Only when it's every damned time. You could just tell me to go away. Sure, it'd hurt, but a lot less, I think. I'm the oldest, I'm used to sharing. Doesn't mean I like it.
You're my friend, can't you focus on me for one measly half hour? Maybe I have something really important I need to talk to you about!!
Dammit, now I'm crying again.
I feel so invisible sometimes, because I only show people that happy side. Bur when I try showing how horrid I feel, people want a reason that coincides with right this instant.
Hello, I've been through enough crap that I haven't dealt with, and you're not helping! When the only reason people want to pay attention to me seems to be carnal, it doesn't make me feel better about myself. I need more than that! I like that you find me attractive, but I'd rather you paid attention to what I was SAYING, too! I don't call you to carry on a conversation with the entire room while you talk to someone else! I'm calling because I want to talk to YOU, privately!
I was really worried about today last night, and I couldn't chat with you about it because you were busy and had me on speaker, so I had to be bright and happy and bury those feelings away. I guess I did a good job, usually you can tell when I'm full of it. I didn't know how much the other people in the room knew, and I didn't feel like adding to their knowledge. Then by the time you took me off speaker it was almost time for me to go to sleep so I didn't want to talk about it anymore.
And tonight...dammit.
I feel really depressed again. And irrational. And the worst thing is, tomorrow I'll regret ever posting this.
But right now I don't care. Because I'm so sad that my throat is raw and my head is pounding. I didn't get the chance to talk with someone about all the crap that went on today, and I NEEDED to. I feel horrible. I feel like doing something stupid. At least this won't hurt anyone besides me.