(no subject)

[ishimmer]

I secretly despise it when my birthday comes. Its the one day where people are supposed to feel special, and people wake up on their birthdays expecting special treatment and some people get that, and some people just plain don't. The last few birthdays I have, I've always been trying to ignore it and kept the information on the down low because I was so scared of expecting special treatment and being severely disappointed. Did I make sense? Probably not. I'm uncomfortable with the attention a birthday entails, yet feel annoyed when it is not acknowledged or just forgotten. I love celebrations, but am too lazy to plan one and therefore seem to live in this perpetual idea that no one wants to party with me on my birthday. So you see, I create all this unnecessary anxiety for myself for no reason at all. I wonder why I do that, overthink matters, with every other aspect of my life. Its my birthday, so I should make a big/small deal about it if I want to right? Why do I care that people will not reciprocate? Why do I think that people will eventually leave me? Why am I so bloody independant of everyone that I am the "one (wo)man's island" that people talk about? I want to be dependant on someone, anyone. However unhealthy it is to be like glue to someone, surely it is just as unhealthy to be of the extreme opposite? As much as it is to my advantage that I've always kept my heart in one piece, it is also my flaw that I never fully allowed people in 110%. So here it is people, my birthday wish:

Open up my heart.

Thanks to the people who wished me, texted me, emailed me, friendster-ed me and jumped me on this day. Lurve y'all. :)