I'm fed up. After six years, I'm speaking out.
Melissa F. Germino,
First and foremost, I did not take your call because your daughter did not want me to get involved with whatever it is you are mad about. Besides, I was on my way to meet my mother and I would not want to have her witness our conversation because she already strongly dislikes you enough as it is because of your "higher-and-cleaner-and-better-than-thou" attitude.
Second, your SMS was very insulting. Who gave you the right to pass judgment on me when you know nothing about me? The only things you know are the only things Kai tells you. I did not know having arguments with my mother every now and then meant automatically that I am undisciplined and that I am pakawala. In case you haven't thought about it, maybe, just maybe, my mom and I happen to be two very stubborn and hard-headed people who just blow up and fight before we calmly talk things through and work out an arrangement that works for both of us. And since you don't know the concept, let me introduce you to the proper term for that: it's COMPROMISE, something you don't know how to do with your daughters. Oh, and in case you haven't thought about it (and it's a shame, you're a psychology graduate), I'm this aggressive because I actually have bipolar disorder and I'm actually currently looking for someone to conduct tests on me to see if I'm a bipolar I or II. And since my aggressiveness is the only thing you know that you don't see, I don't see why you would say I am pakawala and undisciplined.
So tell me, where did you base your judgment? From the fact that I drink occasionally? For your information I limit my alcohol intake because I have a bad case of ulcer, and so out of the many times your daughter and I actually drank something, I never got drunk once. When we're having margaritas or when I'm having vodka I limit myself to about two or three glasses only (despite the fact that I love margaritas), and when we take shots of brandy I limit myself to about five or six shots only because I know my stomach will act up. Ask my mom, I never came home drunk. Drinking is my only vice, unless you consider eating tons of chocolates and sweets a vice. I don't smoke and I don't do drugs. I'm not a party girl, although I do tend to dress like one because I grew up in that environment AND it's the clothes I am comfortable in. But no, I'm not a party girl - in fact, I love road trips and nature walks better because I find partying every night very exhausting and time-wasting if you do it regularly. Sure, on birthdays it's fine, but regularly I don't do it because that's not my thing. So where did you base your judgment?
Third, has it ever occurred to you that Kai is old enough to make decisions for herself, to think about the pros and cons of everything and to come to a decision without my - or anyone's for that matter - influence? She's turning twenty-one this October. She's about to be legally emancipated from you, and you still think she can't decide for herself and she's easily led on by other people? I won't convince you that I don't influence your daughter because I know that will be futile, seeing how close-minded you are. But think about this: you're daughter's a strong, independent thinker. Yeah, she comes to me for advice as well as to her Kuya Paolo, but in the end she still weighs things according to her set of values and makes her decision according to what she thinks is good for her. You haven't been there for her since she was a child, and so early on she has learned to be an independent person, and if you think she's easily influenced by those people you're so afraid of, then you clearly don't know your daughter. And that's a shame, having her friend know her better than her mother does.. isn't it?
Fourth, your system with your children is a system of fear. No matter how many times you tell Kai and Gabby that the relationship you want to build with them is one of respect, your system is a system of fear and dictatorship. Therefore, you do not allow your children to grow, to learn from their mistakes, to find out for themselves what it is you are trying to force-feed to them. Even my mother told me that you're not giving them enough room to grow. The problem with you is that you insist on having things your way, and you don't REALLY listen to what they have to say, and they fear you so much that they just say what you want to hear because in reality, they just want to please you so bad. But no, nothing is good enough for you. Have you ever thought that your attitude towards them is what's driving them farther away from you? If you want your children to respect you, you have to, in turn, respect them, because when it comes down to it, at the end of the day, you may be their mother but you're all people - you're all humans who demand respect in order to be able to give respect as well. My parents took awhile to figure that out - in fact, they just figured that out last year (at least my mom did anyway) and so we're working on it. We may look dysfunctional, but we're a work in progress. You, on the other hand, claim that you and your daughters are a work in progress, but you should ask them. I don't see anything working with a system of fear.
Fifth, stop thinking that you're better than anyone else. You're not. Stop giving us the bullshit sermons using the Bible verses if you can't even follow them. You are not special. You are not better than anyone else. If you were, you wouldn't die and rot underground when the time comes. But no, you get to die just like me and just like everyone else, and you'll get to be bones someday, just like the rest of us. You are not better than anyone else.
Sixth, the only time you feel so powerful is when no one answers back to you. I did not answer you on the phone because I told Kai I'd do it out of respect for our friendship, but you know what? I'm fed up with your bullshit. It's about time somebody told you off like you deserve. The truth hurts, doesn't it? I've been told off many times. I've been hurt during the few times I know that I've tried so hard to change but just can't. But mostly, despite the fact that I tend to be a drama queen sometimes, I just listened and tried harder. You should really learn to do that.
Seventh, and last, my mom has my back. I tell her everything. She knows I drink, she knows you've thought of me as a bad influence to your daughter for the six years that I've known Kai, and she knows that even though I'm finding school very difficult and I'm having a difficult time, I'm trying my best to graduate on time, or at least anytime within the school year 2007 - 2008 (which means if I don't graduate on April, I'm trying to graduate on summer 2008) so you have no right to say I am undisciplined. My parents, eager as they are to have me graduate as soon as possible, are not slave drivers; they are my parents, and no matter how much we don't understand each other, I love them for understanding that every now and then I get overexhausted and I need to unwind. You should understand Kai as well. Or else go ahead, talk to my mom - and you'll get told off by someone who's open-minded, who has a brain and who, even though I hate to admit this sometimes, makes tons of sense.
Tita, I do not want to have anything to do with you. As for your your daughter and I hanging out with each other, it's not your choice to make - she's old enough to decide for herself, as am I. And so despite the fact that for six years my mom told me to stay away from Kai because YOU are trouble, I stayed, because she's my friend, and believe it or not, I'm even the one looking out for the welfare of your daughter despite the fact that she's older than I am. So yes, I'm gonna let her decide on her own, and as for you, consider what little respect I had left for you gone. You're just as screwed-up as you think we are, Tita.
And if I'm still calling you Tita here, it's because I want to emphasize that you're old and you should really start to grow up sometime soon, or you'll end up pushing away everything you claim you care for. I'm learning that right now - you should too, seeing as I'm only twenty and I have more time to learn it and you're in your early forties already and you don't have much time.
Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to my thesis, because contrary to your assumption that I have nothing to do with my life right now, I have tons of things to do. Your daughter and I just happen to have lunch every Tuesday to blow off steam and to enjoy a nice lunch or coffee with a good chat.
Kaye
PS. Now that Ithink about it, I know how what I feel about you right now. I feel disgust that you can point a finger so easily at Kai's friends, but you can't even point a finger at yourself. You're a hypocrite and I'm not afraid to say that in public. I've been waiting for six years to get things off my chest, and trust me, I have more waiting, but this is what matters right now.
First and foremost, I did not take your call because your daughter did not want me to get involved with whatever it is you are mad about. Besides, I was on my way to meet my mother and I would not want to have her witness our conversation because she already strongly dislikes you enough as it is because of your "higher-and-cleaner-and-better-than-thou" attitude.
Second, your SMS was very insulting. Who gave you the right to pass judgment on me when you know nothing about me? The only things you know are the only things Kai tells you. I did not know having arguments with my mother every now and then meant automatically that I am undisciplined and that I am pakawala. In case you haven't thought about it, maybe, just maybe, my mom and I happen to be two very stubborn and hard-headed people who just blow up and fight before we calmly talk things through and work out an arrangement that works for both of us. And since you don't know the concept, let me introduce you to the proper term for that: it's COMPROMISE, something you don't know how to do with your daughters. Oh, and in case you haven't thought about it (and it's a shame, you're a psychology graduate), I'm this aggressive because I actually have bipolar disorder and I'm actually currently looking for someone to conduct tests on me to see if I'm a bipolar I or II. And since my aggressiveness is the only thing you know that you don't see, I don't see why you would say I am pakawala and undisciplined.
So tell me, where did you base your judgment? From the fact that I drink occasionally? For your information I limit my alcohol intake because I have a bad case of ulcer, and so out of the many times your daughter and I actually drank something, I never got drunk once. When we're having margaritas or when I'm having vodka I limit myself to about two or three glasses only (despite the fact that I love margaritas), and when we take shots of brandy I limit myself to about five or six shots only because I know my stomach will act up. Ask my mom, I never came home drunk. Drinking is my only vice, unless you consider eating tons of chocolates and sweets a vice. I don't smoke and I don't do drugs. I'm not a party girl, although I do tend to dress like one because I grew up in that environment AND it's the clothes I am comfortable in. But no, I'm not a party girl - in fact, I love road trips and nature walks better because I find partying every night very exhausting and time-wasting if you do it regularly. Sure, on birthdays it's fine, but regularly I don't do it because that's not my thing. So where did you base your judgment?
Third, has it ever occurred to you that Kai is old enough to make decisions for herself, to think about the pros and cons of everything and to come to a decision without my - or anyone's for that matter - influence? She's turning twenty-one this October. She's about to be legally emancipated from you, and you still think she can't decide for herself and she's easily led on by other people? I won't convince you that I don't influence your daughter because I know that will be futile, seeing how close-minded you are. But think about this: you're daughter's a strong, independent thinker. Yeah, she comes to me for advice as well as to her Kuya Paolo, but in the end she still weighs things according to her set of values and makes her decision according to what she thinks is good for her. You haven't been there for her since she was a child, and so early on she has learned to be an independent person, and if you think she's easily influenced by those people you're so afraid of, then you clearly don't know your daughter. And that's a shame, having her friend know her better than her mother does.. isn't it?
Fourth, your system with your children is a system of fear. No matter how many times you tell Kai and Gabby that the relationship you want to build with them is one of respect, your system is a system of fear and dictatorship. Therefore, you do not allow your children to grow, to learn from their mistakes, to find out for themselves what it is you are trying to force-feed to them. Even my mother told me that you're not giving them enough room to grow. The problem with you is that you insist on having things your way, and you don't REALLY listen to what they have to say, and they fear you so much that they just say what you want to hear because in reality, they just want to please you so bad. But no, nothing is good enough for you. Have you ever thought that your attitude towards them is what's driving them farther away from you? If you want your children to respect you, you have to, in turn, respect them, because when it comes down to it, at the end of the day, you may be their mother but you're all people - you're all humans who demand respect in order to be able to give respect as well. My parents took awhile to figure that out - in fact, they just figured that out last year (at least my mom did anyway) and so we're working on it. We may look dysfunctional, but we're a work in progress. You, on the other hand, claim that you and your daughters are a work in progress, but you should ask them. I don't see anything working with a system of fear.
Fifth, stop thinking that you're better than anyone else. You're not. Stop giving us the bullshit sermons using the Bible verses if you can't even follow them. You are not special. You are not better than anyone else. If you were, you wouldn't die and rot underground when the time comes. But no, you get to die just like me and just like everyone else, and you'll get to be bones someday, just like the rest of us. You are not better than anyone else.
Sixth, the only time you feel so powerful is when no one answers back to you. I did not answer you on the phone because I told Kai I'd do it out of respect for our friendship, but you know what? I'm fed up with your bullshit. It's about time somebody told you off like you deserve. The truth hurts, doesn't it? I've been told off many times. I've been hurt during the few times I know that I've tried so hard to change but just can't. But mostly, despite the fact that I tend to be a drama queen sometimes, I just listened and tried harder. You should really learn to do that.
Seventh, and last, my mom has my back. I tell her everything. She knows I drink, she knows you've thought of me as a bad influence to your daughter for the six years that I've known Kai, and she knows that even though I'm finding school very difficult and I'm having a difficult time, I'm trying my best to graduate on time, or at least anytime within the school year 2007 - 2008 (which means if I don't graduate on April, I'm trying to graduate on summer 2008) so you have no right to say I am undisciplined. My parents, eager as they are to have me graduate as soon as possible, are not slave drivers; they are my parents, and no matter how much we don't understand each other, I love them for understanding that every now and then I get overexhausted and I need to unwind. You should understand Kai as well. Or else go ahead, talk to my mom - and you'll get told off by someone who's open-minded, who has a brain and who, even though I hate to admit this sometimes, makes tons of sense.
Tita, I do not want to have anything to do with you. As for your your daughter and I hanging out with each other, it's not your choice to make - she's old enough to decide for herself, as am I. And so despite the fact that for six years my mom told me to stay away from Kai because YOU are trouble, I stayed, because she's my friend, and believe it or not, I'm even the one looking out for the welfare of your daughter despite the fact that she's older than I am. So yes, I'm gonna let her decide on her own, and as for you, consider what little respect I had left for you gone. You're just as screwed-up as you think we are, Tita.
And if I'm still calling you Tita here, it's because I want to emphasize that you're old and you should really start to grow up sometime soon, or you'll end up pushing away everything you claim you care for. I'm learning that right now - you should too, seeing as I'm only twenty and I have more time to learn it and you're in your early forties already and you don't have much time.
Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to my thesis, because contrary to your assumption that I have nothing to do with my life right now, I have tons of things to do. Your daughter and I just happen to have lunch every Tuesday to blow off steam and to enjoy a nice lunch or coffee with a good chat.
Kaye
PS. Now that Ithink about it, I know how what I feel about you right now. I feel disgust that you can point a finger so easily at Kai's friends, but you can't even point a finger at yourself. You're a hypocrite and I'm not afraid to say that in public. I've been waiting for six years to get things off my chest, and trust me, I have more waiting, but this is what matters right now.