Things left unsaid
C.S. Lewis once wrote: “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
Years ago, I thought I loved a woman. I allowed myself to be talked into getting married, even though I didn't want to be married. I was told it's just the natural progression, you've got the rest of your life to get used to being married. If you love her, just go ahead and do it and work out everything else later. We did the pre-cana things, and our priest talked to us about how things were. It was not unknown to us that we had problems, and they would only be magnified when we lived together.
It didn't seem like a very smart thing then, and I still don't think it is almost 5 years later. In that time, I've realized something that I've known for years - no matter how much you love someone, it's still not enough if you can't be around them.
Now, I've hurt her by telling her I love her, marrying her, and that I just can't be around her. It's a horrible feeling to want to love someone unconditionally, but be unable to love them enough not to dislike who they are. It makes my heart hurt.
Sometimes I wish I could be like the generation of our grandparents. I was literally told by at least 3 people that their grandparents HATED each other, and didn't speak to each other if they didn't need to do so. But they stayed married for 50-60-70 years because they were in love once, and they were not willing to divorce. I just can't do that. Some days I wish I could have been able to do that. I wish I could have been able to force myself to come home at night and just be happy with life as it was, even if that meant I risked being miserable for the next 50 years.
I couldn't do that though. There's only so much faking you can do. I can't count the number of times that I would drive past my exit just so that I had a little bit longer that I didn't have to be home with her. I didn't like that, but more than anything - she deserves better than that. She deserves someone who is able to love her unconditionally, accept her for who she is, and be excited to come home to her. She's a great woman. Just not for me.
I think some people just aren't meant to be married. I think I'm one of them. I've been independent since I was 16. I've depended on me, and me only because everyone else just let me down. My avarice is self pride and self sufficiency. I thought I could let that go and love and be loved enough to rely on her to help me through. I couldn't.
We discussed our fears and worries a number of times. One of mine is disappointment, because of the many times those I have let close to me have disappointed me, have let me down. I fear disappointing others, especially those I love. I remember one conversation in particular, while we were doing a marriage prep weekend. I told her I didn't want to get married yet, and wasn't sure if I did at all. I didn't want to disappoint her. We talked and cried, and said we should give it a few days to think about it. We didn't officially break up, but we didn't talk for a few days and when we did we decided to push forward. Her parting shot today hit too close to that to be coincidental. As I hope you know, I can’t tell you how disappointed I am; however, I recognize that what makes the most sense now is to expediently resolve all outstanding issues.
So here I am. In the process of getting divorced, generally ostracized by mutual friends because of it, and feeling famously horrible because I've hurt and disappointed her as well as her family, our friends, and myself. I'd hoped that someday we'd be able to be friends or something like that. I just don't think it's possible though. You can't be hurt by someone like that, and hope for anything better than non-anxious nods across a crowded room.
I'm sorry Tiffany. I wish I could have been a better husband for you.
Cowboy in Me
Tim McGraw
I don't know why I act the way I do
Like I ain't got a single thing to lose
Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy
I guess that's just the cowboy in me
I got a life that most would love to have
But sometimes I still wake up fightin' mad
At where this road I'm heading down might lead
I guess that's just the cowboy in me
The urge to run, the restlessness
The heart of stone I sometimes get
The things I've done for foolish pride
The me that's never satisfied
The face that's in the mirror when I don't like what I see
I guess that's just the cowboy in me
The urge to run, the restlessness
The heart of stone I sometimes get
The things I've done for foolish pride
The me that's never satisfied
The face that's in the mirror when I don't like what I see
I guess that's just the cowboy in me
Girl I know there's times you must have thought
There ain't a line you've drawn I haven't crossed
But you set your mind to see this love on through
I guess that's just the cowboy in you
We ride and never worry about the fall
I guess that's just the cowboy in us all
Years ago, I thought I loved a woman. I allowed myself to be talked into getting married, even though I didn't want to be married. I was told it's just the natural progression, you've got the rest of your life to get used to being married. If you love her, just go ahead and do it and work out everything else later. We did the pre-cana things, and our priest talked to us about how things were. It was not unknown to us that we had problems, and they would only be magnified when we lived together.
It didn't seem like a very smart thing then, and I still don't think it is almost 5 years later. In that time, I've realized something that I've known for years - no matter how much you love someone, it's still not enough if you can't be around them.
Now, I've hurt her by telling her I love her, marrying her, and that I just can't be around her. It's a horrible feeling to want to love someone unconditionally, but be unable to love them enough not to dislike who they are. It makes my heart hurt.
Sometimes I wish I could be like the generation of our grandparents. I was literally told by at least 3 people that their grandparents HATED each other, and didn't speak to each other if they didn't need to do so. But they stayed married for 50-60-70 years because they were in love once, and they were not willing to divorce. I just can't do that. Some days I wish I could have been able to do that. I wish I could have been able to force myself to come home at night and just be happy with life as it was, even if that meant I risked being miserable for the next 50 years.
I couldn't do that though. There's only so much faking you can do. I can't count the number of times that I would drive past my exit just so that I had a little bit longer that I didn't have to be home with her. I didn't like that, but more than anything - she deserves better than that. She deserves someone who is able to love her unconditionally, accept her for who she is, and be excited to come home to her. She's a great woman. Just not for me.
I think some people just aren't meant to be married. I think I'm one of them. I've been independent since I was 16. I've depended on me, and me only because everyone else just let me down. My avarice is self pride and self sufficiency. I thought I could let that go and love and be loved enough to rely on her to help me through. I couldn't.
We discussed our fears and worries a number of times. One of mine is disappointment, because of the many times those I have let close to me have disappointed me, have let me down. I fear disappointing others, especially those I love. I remember one conversation in particular, while we were doing a marriage prep weekend. I told her I didn't want to get married yet, and wasn't sure if I did at all. I didn't want to disappoint her. We talked and cried, and said we should give it a few days to think about it. We didn't officially break up, but we didn't talk for a few days and when we did we decided to push forward. Her parting shot today hit too close to that to be coincidental. As I hope you know, I can’t tell you how disappointed I am; however, I recognize that what makes the most sense now is to expediently resolve all outstanding issues.
So here I am. In the process of getting divorced, generally ostracized by mutual friends because of it, and feeling famously horrible because I've hurt and disappointed her as well as her family, our friends, and myself. I'd hoped that someday we'd be able to be friends or something like that. I just don't think it's possible though. You can't be hurt by someone like that, and hope for anything better than non-anxious nods across a crowded room.
I'm sorry Tiffany. I wish I could have been a better husband for you.
Cowboy in Me
Tim McGraw
I don't know why I act the way I do
Like I ain't got a single thing to lose
Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy
I guess that's just the cowboy in me
I got a life that most would love to have
But sometimes I still wake up fightin' mad
At where this road I'm heading down might lead
I guess that's just the cowboy in me
The urge to run, the restlessness
The heart of stone I sometimes get
The things I've done for foolish pride
The me that's never satisfied
The face that's in the mirror when I don't like what I see
I guess that's just the cowboy in me
The urge to run, the restlessness
The heart of stone I sometimes get
The things I've done for foolish pride
The me that's never satisfied
The face that's in the mirror when I don't like what I see
I guess that's just the cowboy in me
Girl I know there's times you must have thought
There ain't a line you've drawn I haven't crossed
But you set your mind to see this love on through
I guess that's just the cowboy in you
We ride and never worry about the fall
I guess that's just the cowboy in us all