(no subject)
i am falling hard for someone. there are just two problems. he is gay and i am still in love with someone else. we basically spend most of our time together when we are not working. i am happy that we have become friends because in a way it gave me the closure i never had when we broke up 4 years ago. i have been able to get many questions answered that i really needed. it is sad to me that in becoming friends with greg it has totally ruined my friendship with emily. and i am starting to think that as long as i am friends with greg there is little chance that her and i can be friends. the irony in all of this is that when greg came into both of our lives before i lost her friendship to him and now that i have come back into both there lives she in a way has lost her friendship with greg to me.
i hung out with laura recently and realized that i have not been fair to her. she didn't derserve all the negativity i was throwing at her. i realize now that i was using my negativity to mask how wierd i feel the whole situation ended turning out. i just didn't expect them to get together... at least not after how hurt the other person felt. so when i went after that person the last thing i thought was laura and her would make up. so i really only complicated my life and got hurt. they had the happy ending while i was left to feel like shit on so many levels. but now i am trying to be happy for my friend that is so happy, and i am happy, but she has to understand that it is hard, she should understand when i was happy she was not always being happy for me, i just hope she knows i am trying.
my cousin sarah is back in my life in a big way. we hang out a couple times a week. and we talk about life and stuff and well i don't usually say much cause she doesn't know that i have been with girls. i haven't really had to come out to someone close to me in my life for a long time and it is really weird as i comtemplate how i am going to tell her. i am so afraid she is going to hate me or something. i just see how her mom is and that scares me. i know that i am going to have to tell her soon but i just get scared everytime i see her.
sometimes i think that it is even harder to come out cause i have to be like yeah i have relationship with women but i sex with guys. it is fucked up that i haven't been in a real realationship with a guy since i was in high school but in the span of 4 years i have managed to lose my virginity and have slept with 5 guys. the fucked up thing is that i never even realized this until about two months ago. and now i just cannot get past it.
and that is why i will have no more sex until i am in a relationship..... and that could be a long time from now
i hung out with laura recently and realized that i have not been fair to her. she didn't derserve all the negativity i was throwing at her. i realize now that i was using my negativity to mask how wierd i feel the whole situation ended turning out. i just didn't expect them to get together... at least not after how hurt the other person felt. so when i went after that person the last thing i thought was laura and her would make up. so i really only complicated my life and got hurt. they had the happy ending while i was left to feel like shit on so many levels. but now i am trying to be happy for my friend that is so happy, and i am happy, but she has to understand that it is hard, she should understand when i was happy she was not always being happy for me, i just hope she knows i am trying.
my cousin sarah is back in my life in a big way. we hang out a couple times a week. and we talk about life and stuff and well i don't usually say much cause she doesn't know that i have been with girls. i haven't really had to come out to someone close to me in my life for a long time and it is really weird as i comtemplate how i am going to tell her. i am so afraid she is going to hate me or something. i just see how her mom is and that scares me. i know that i am going to have to tell her soon but i just get scared everytime i see her.
sometimes i think that it is even harder to come out cause i have to be like yeah i have relationship with women but i sex with guys. it is fucked up that i haven't been in a real realationship with a guy since i was in high school but in the span of 4 years i have managed to lose my virginity and have slept with 5 guys. the fucked up thing is that i never even realized this until about two months ago. and now i just cannot get past it.
and that is why i will have no more sex until i am in a relationship..... and that could be a long time from now