(no subject)
wow
this is the first time i have actually written in this. i really haven't been ready to write. sometime between september and now i lost my words. i also lost everything else. i pretty much hit rock bottom. i thought i couldn't fall much further and then i did. things have been looking up, at least some of the time.
i am begining to accept some of the changes in my life. and i am starting to feel like me again. the person i was but was afraid to show. for too long i was changing to suit everyone elses needs. ironically my friend wrote in her journal about how i told her that i don't think her new relationship will work out. i really didn't think it would bother her that much and i feel bad about that. what still bothers me about the conversation is that i had mentioned that greg, jeanna, and her and i should hang out sometime and she thought that was a bad idea cause greg and i would be a bad influence on jeanna, because we smoke cigarrettes and weed. how lame. if jeanna wanted to do any of that laura shouldn't be able to stop her. i can tell you that it didn't stop me. i just snuck around, because i wanted so much for them to love me that i changed for them. i ran from who i was and eventually i wanted to be who i was and had to lie to do that. i am not saying that jeanna would do that. if jeanna cares about laura and wants to be with her she will respect how laura feels and refrain. i just know that i wanted to respect past partners feelings but i did that by compromising who i was.
and this doesn't even have to do with cigarrettes or weed. but when i gave up that i gave up who i was along with it.
but if laura thinks i am a bad friend she can stop being my friend. i am just looking out for her, and friends don't always tell you what you want to hear, hell laura rips into to me everytime she sees me but i don't complain in my journal that she is always turning a good day into a bad one. at least until now.
i am done with the bitching for now..
on a better note:
i reconneted with an ex-boyfriend and made a new friend out of it. he is not the same person i dated four years ago. he's everything i have always wanted, except that he is gay. he is cool to talk to i just hope i don't end up totally falling for him cause that would be a major problem. but it is great to feel like i really have someone who cares again. though it is wierd that he lives with my old best friend from high school and well she doesn't even talk to me anymore, but she hasn't tried to be my friend in a long time. and in the process of trying to reconnect with her i became friends with greg.
well i am waiting for greg to call
maybe more tomorrow
this is the first time i have actually written in this. i really haven't been ready to write. sometime between september and now i lost my words. i also lost everything else. i pretty much hit rock bottom. i thought i couldn't fall much further and then i did. things have been looking up, at least some of the time.
i am begining to accept some of the changes in my life. and i am starting to feel like me again. the person i was but was afraid to show. for too long i was changing to suit everyone elses needs. ironically my friend wrote in her journal about how i told her that i don't think her new relationship will work out. i really didn't think it would bother her that much and i feel bad about that. what still bothers me about the conversation is that i had mentioned that greg, jeanna, and her and i should hang out sometime and she thought that was a bad idea cause greg and i would be a bad influence on jeanna, because we smoke cigarrettes and weed. how lame. if jeanna wanted to do any of that laura shouldn't be able to stop her. i can tell you that it didn't stop me. i just snuck around, because i wanted so much for them to love me that i changed for them. i ran from who i was and eventually i wanted to be who i was and had to lie to do that. i am not saying that jeanna would do that. if jeanna cares about laura and wants to be with her she will respect how laura feels and refrain. i just know that i wanted to respect past partners feelings but i did that by compromising who i was.
and this doesn't even have to do with cigarrettes or weed. but when i gave up that i gave up who i was along with it.
but if laura thinks i am a bad friend she can stop being my friend. i am just looking out for her, and friends don't always tell you what you want to hear, hell laura rips into to me everytime she sees me but i don't complain in my journal that she is always turning a good day into a bad one. at least until now.
i am done with the bitching for now..
on a better note:
i reconneted with an ex-boyfriend and made a new friend out of it. he is not the same person i dated four years ago. he's everything i have always wanted, except that he is gay. he is cool to talk to i just hope i don't end up totally falling for him cause that would be a major problem. but it is great to feel like i really have someone who cares again. though it is wierd that he lives with my old best friend from high school and well she doesn't even talk to me anymore, but she hasn't tried to be my friend in a long time. and in the process of trying to reconnect with her i became friends with greg.
well i am waiting for greg to call
maybe more tomorrow