I started to cry...
So last night I guess I wasn't thinking straight... listen to this story.
Last night I had this great idea to start using again. I'm not sure where this thought/urge came from, I haven't felt like using for the longest time. Somehow I found myself taking money out of the bank, $50 dollars to be exact and calling up a friend who I knew could and would hook me up. I haven't seen this friend for a long time, she didn't even know I was pregnant and when she returned my call I kept that news to myself. I wasn't sure if she would cop for me knowing I was pregnant, even though she has done it for pregnant friends before, I thought that maybe this time it would be different. She had explained to me that she was going in to get her boyfriend and herself some and that she'd def. take me in with her. She said to wait an hour or so because someone was coming over to her house to say hi, and that she would be right over to pick me up. Next thing I know it's been two hours and she hasn't shown up, so I call her back. She stated that she got lost in time and that she was running around doing things and that she couldn't take me with her and that she would have to stop by and pick up the money. Since I trusted this girl before and she's taken my money many times and came back, I wasn't worried at all that she'd rip me off. As she stopped by the sun was already setting and it was getting late, but I figured since I already had the money in my hand I should just go along with the plan. I watched her drive away with my money as I waited patiently for her to return. Times like this are extremely stressful... When you are about to use for the first time in months and months waiting for your drugs to come, it's just as stressful as waiting for it when you are dope sick. This time could be used to talk me out of using, but really with myself this far into the steps of fucking shit up, I thought I should just go all in... and I did. I tried to keep busy as the first hour passed... and then another..and another. I actually started to get worried, and a little pissed. All those thoughts crossed my mind as to maybe she got caught? Or, maybe the dealer took a long time, or maybe shes on her way back and I'm just too impatient, and then the worst thought came to mind, what if she fucked me over and just took my money? I got to that thought and picked up the phone and called her right away. She answered. She answered confused and surprised. She said that she "forgot" that she had gotten me some and that her guy didn't bag up things separately and he shaved it off a block into a few bags. I knew as soon as she said this that it was a total lie. I wasn't as pissed as I woulda been back when I was sick and copping but I was pretty upset that 50 bucks I just kinda threw away. She said not to worry that I'd get my share out of it and that I wouldn't be ripped off. She told me to come over to her place to get high... and I did. Sitting in her living room she mixed up a shot for both her and me. There was only one needle, and we shared before a long time ago so using hers I wasn't too worried about it. By that time I was in a state of mind that wasn't too clear and cheerful so I said fuck it. She sucked up her half in the needle, found a vein and shot up... As it became my turn I started to shake. She asked if I was okay and if I wanted her to do it for me. I explained that I was fine and that it's been awhile and I'll do it, but to give me a minute or two to calm down. I actually couldn't wait that long because in that minute or two I could change my mind. I sat there, sucked up the rest of the liquid in the sliver cooker she handed me, tapped all the bubbles out of the top of the needle and tied my arm off to look for my gusher (vein). I stab at the last working vein I had when I decided to quit using months ago, and pretty much hoped it was still pumping blood... and it was. I stuck the needle in as easily as I had the last time I used, drew back the darkest, richest red blood and injected that poison into my body. A few seconds later I felt it, I really did. Not as much as I wanted to, because being on methadone it makes your tolerance sky rocket, but I felt it. That rush, that warmth, that tingle I have missed and longed for since I stopped, what now seemed not too long ago. Wow, I did it and that was really it... nothing special really happened. Only really I felt overwhelmed with guilt and how I just fucked everything up again. I also thought.. wow, if anyone found out I used, AGAIN, after all this trust I gained, after everything they have given me.. I'd be done. And this time it would be for real, I would be fucking done. I didn't want to think about this, honestly, I wanted to get high, fucking enjoy it, yeah thats my selfish druggy thinking there... So I had a great idea to just go for a drive. I quickly grabbed all my things and stupidly put the needle in my hoodie front pocket. I didn't want to actually drive so I asked my friend to drive for me and she agreed. By this time it was about 11 PM at night, I hadn't known how fucked up she was, nor did I care, I just wanted to drive, rest and clear my mind. We were driving in the city, down Prince out of town and I didn't want to leave the city, just incase we might run into my family or just anyone I would know out in the country so I told her to make this last turn back into the city. It was a really weird turn where you almost have to do a 180 degree turnaround. She obviously didn't know what she was doing and/or was too fucked up to drive and she took the turn way too fast. I almost felt like it was slow motion as this all happened... she slowly lost control of the car and hit the side of the embankment and curb, I heard the car scrape and something pop, probably the tire and I just went numb. My first thought was, thank god there wasn't a cop behind us and then my second thought was, shit, did we fuck up the car, and if we did, would I be able to drive it still with some scrapes? Shit, what am I going to say to people when they asked what happened? Ah, don't worry as long as you weren't pulled over... you're okay, you will deal. So up the street a little bit there was the old Rebman building and it's huge parking lot, we pull in there with a flat tire and a messed up right side of the car. We both get out to look at the damage, not even seeing the two police cars parked side by side shooting the shit... My. Heart. Stopped. Holy shit. I think at this time I just stopped moving and went silent. There wasn't anything I could do. The cops noticed the car of course and they got out and started walking over... I then remember the needle in my hoodie and almost shit myself. The only thought I really had at that time was to get that shit off of me so I don't get caught with it, the cops were on their way walking over each one of them watching us like a hawk. I slowly try and stick my hand in my hoodie and grab the needle, I have it in my hand and the one cop watching me says outloud to the other to watch the other girl because "this one was grabbing for something in her pocket." Man, I was fucked, but I kept trying to think of a way to just throw it off me. The cops tell us sternly to stop moving our hands and to keep them on our laps and sit down with our legs crossed. At this time I knew I was fucked, I'm pregnant and getting caught with a needle. I can't even start to explain what thoughts were going through my mind... and of course I started to cry. So as the cops are looking at the car and searching it I feel my friends hand go in my pocket. I look at her with question and she looks at me and says "I'm not gonna be the only one getting caught with drugs, take your bags, you aren't gonna let me take the fall for you, no way." Ha! I fucking looked at her amazed. I couldn't fucking believe it, I would never do that to her, what a fucking bitch. I then remembered she didn't know I was pregnant. There wasn't much I could do at this time, she put the bag in my pocket and I was already being watched, I was already going to be caught with a needle, fuck it. But I was pissed real pissed and I started to cry even harder. The cops come over, ask if we have any drugs on us and me crying, and her calm as hell because she's super fucked up, we nod yes. They start to search us and they find the goodies. They then ask if either of us were "sick" or "pregnant" and I tell them that I'm pregnant... The expression on their faces, of catching a young girl with heroin and a needle on her, wrecking a car and pregnant... it was just horrible, depressing and so sad. Just when I thought my life couldn't get any worse, I fuck up, again...
I then wake up from this horrible dream with tears streaming down my face, I knew it was a dream then, but I kept crying. I felt like I had to, I felt like I needed to... I then felt Nates hand on my stomach and everything just seemed okay again. I slowly calmed down and laid there next to him thanking everything I had and everything I went through to be where I was right then and there... I'm so glad the story above was a dream, aren't you?
Last night I had this great idea to start using again. I'm not sure where this thought/urge came from, I haven't felt like using for the longest time. Somehow I found myself taking money out of the bank, $50 dollars to be exact and calling up a friend who I knew could and would hook me up. I haven't seen this friend for a long time, she didn't even know I was pregnant and when she returned my call I kept that news to myself. I wasn't sure if she would cop for me knowing I was pregnant, even though she has done it for pregnant friends before, I thought that maybe this time it would be different. She had explained to me that she was going in to get her boyfriend and herself some and that she'd def. take me in with her. She said to wait an hour or so because someone was coming over to her house to say hi, and that she would be right over to pick me up. Next thing I know it's been two hours and she hasn't shown up, so I call her back. She stated that she got lost in time and that she was running around doing things and that she couldn't take me with her and that she would have to stop by and pick up the money. Since I trusted this girl before and she's taken my money many times and came back, I wasn't worried at all that she'd rip me off. As she stopped by the sun was already setting and it was getting late, but I figured since I already had the money in my hand I should just go along with the plan. I watched her drive away with my money as I waited patiently for her to return. Times like this are extremely stressful... When you are about to use for the first time in months and months waiting for your drugs to come, it's just as stressful as waiting for it when you are dope sick. This time could be used to talk me out of using, but really with myself this far into the steps of fucking shit up, I thought I should just go all in... and I did. I tried to keep busy as the first hour passed... and then another..and another. I actually started to get worried, and a little pissed. All those thoughts crossed my mind as to maybe she got caught? Or, maybe the dealer took a long time, or maybe shes on her way back and I'm just too impatient, and then the worst thought came to mind, what if she fucked me over and just took my money? I got to that thought and picked up the phone and called her right away. She answered. She answered confused and surprised. She said that she "forgot" that she had gotten me some and that her guy didn't bag up things separately and he shaved it off a block into a few bags. I knew as soon as she said this that it was a total lie. I wasn't as pissed as I woulda been back when I was sick and copping but I was pretty upset that 50 bucks I just kinda threw away. She said not to worry that I'd get my share out of it and that I wouldn't be ripped off. She told me to come over to her place to get high... and I did. Sitting in her living room she mixed up a shot for both her and me. There was only one needle, and we shared before a long time ago so using hers I wasn't too worried about it. By that time I was in a state of mind that wasn't too clear and cheerful so I said fuck it. She sucked up her half in the needle, found a vein and shot up... As it became my turn I started to shake. She asked if I was okay and if I wanted her to do it for me. I explained that I was fine and that it's been awhile and I'll do it, but to give me a minute or two to calm down. I actually couldn't wait that long because in that minute or two I could change my mind. I sat there, sucked up the rest of the liquid in the sliver cooker she handed me, tapped all the bubbles out of the top of the needle and tied my arm off to look for my gusher (vein). I stab at the last working vein I had when I decided to quit using months ago, and pretty much hoped it was still pumping blood... and it was. I stuck the needle in as easily as I had the last time I used, drew back the darkest, richest red blood and injected that poison into my body. A few seconds later I felt it, I really did. Not as much as I wanted to, because being on methadone it makes your tolerance sky rocket, but I felt it. That rush, that warmth, that tingle I have missed and longed for since I stopped, what now seemed not too long ago. Wow, I did it and that was really it... nothing special really happened. Only really I felt overwhelmed with guilt and how I just fucked everything up again. I also thought.. wow, if anyone found out I used, AGAIN, after all this trust I gained, after everything they have given me.. I'd be done. And this time it would be for real, I would be fucking done. I didn't want to think about this, honestly, I wanted to get high, fucking enjoy it, yeah thats my selfish druggy thinking there... So I had a great idea to just go for a drive. I quickly grabbed all my things and stupidly put the needle in my hoodie front pocket. I didn't want to actually drive so I asked my friend to drive for me and she agreed. By this time it was about 11 PM at night, I hadn't known how fucked up she was, nor did I care, I just wanted to drive, rest and clear my mind. We were driving in the city, down Prince out of town and I didn't want to leave the city, just incase we might run into my family or just anyone I would know out in the country so I told her to make this last turn back into the city. It was a really weird turn where you almost have to do a 180 degree turnaround. She obviously didn't know what she was doing and/or was too fucked up to drive and she took the turn way too fast. I almost felt like it was slow motion as this all happened... she slowly lost control of the car and hit the side of the embankment and curb, I heard the car scrape and something pop, probably the tire and I just went numb. My first thought was, thank god there wasn't a cop behind us and then my second thought was, shit, did we fuck up the car, and if we did, would I be able to drive it still with some scrapes? Shit, what am I going to say to people when they asked what happened? Ah, don't worry as long as you weren't pulled over... you're okay, you will deal. So up the street a little bit there was the old Rebman building and it's huge parking lot, we pull in there with a flat tire and a messed up right side of the car. We both get out to look at the damage, not even seeing the two police cars parked side by side shooting the shit... My. Heart. Stopped. Holy shit. I think at this time I just stopped moving and went silent. There wasn't anything I could do. The cops noticed the car of course and they got out and started walking over... I then remember the needle in my hoodie and almost shit myself. The only thought I really had at that time was to get that shit off of me so I don't get caught with it, the cops were on their way walking over each one of them watching us like a hawk. I slowly try and stick my hand in my hoodie and grab the needle, I have it in my hand and the one cop watching me says outloud to the other to watch the other girl because "this one was grabbing for something in her pocket." Man, I was fucked, but I kept trying to think of a way to just throw it off me. The cops tell us sternly to stop moving our hands and to keep them on our laps and sit down with our legs crossed. At this time I knew I was fucked, I'm pregnant and getting caught with a needle. I can't even start to explain what thoughts were going through my mind... and of course I started to cry. So as the cops are looking at the car and searching it I feel my friends hand go in my pocket. I look at her with question and she looks at me and says "I'm not gonna be the only one getting caught with drugs, take your bags, you aren't gonna let me take the fall for you, no way." Ha! I fucking looked at her amazed. I couldn't fucking believe it, I would never do that to her, what a fucking bitch. I then remembered she didn't know I was pregnant. There wasn't much I could do at this time, she put the bag in my pocket and I was already being watched, I was already going to be caught with a needle, fuck it. But I was pissed real pissed and I started to cry even harder. The cops come over, ask if we have any drugs on us and me crying, and her calm as hell because she's super fucked up, we nod yes. They start to search us and they find the goodies. They then ask if either of us were "sick" or "pregnant" and I tell them that I'm pregnant... The expression on their faces, of catching a young girl with heroin and a needle on her, wrecking a car and pregnant... it was just horrible, depressing and so sad. Just when I thought my life couldn't get any worse, I fuck up, again...
I then wake up from this horrible dream with tears streaming down my face, I knew it was a dream then, but I kept crying. I felt like I had to, I felt like I needed to... I then felt Nates hand on my stomach and everything just seemed okay again. I slowly calmed down and laid there next to him thanking everything I had and everything I went through to be where I was right then and there... I'm so glad the story above was a dream, aren't you?