It's fine. You've been wonderful. Really, everything I would ask of you, you're already offering to do. I appreciate the effort and the offer to cook for me, from both you and Kurenai. You don't need to fuss so much.
This is nothing new. I've been like this for ten years, and it hasn't killed me. If I wake up one morning and can't drag myself out of bed or something, then it will be a problem. I'm functional, even if I'm coughing blood and have lost some weight.
I know that doesn't sound reassuring, but I really don't want you to think I'm trying to hold you at a distance. That isn't it. This just happens, usually several times a year. When I start feeling better, I'll gain the weight back. I was worse than this when I moved in here, and I got better. I'll get better again.
Private to Nanaolunar_galeJune 11 2006, 19:19:17 UTC
Okay...
I'm sorry. I know you worry about people, I'm the same way. I understand. It doesn't bother me to hear that.
All I do when things get worse is see my doctor, get sent for more pointless tests, and keep going no matter how awful I feel. There's not much else I can do.
If you want to feel like you're helping, keep this in mind: Being with someone I love is always helpful. I want to be near you. Okay?
Private to Hayateise_nanao_chanJune 11 2006, 19:34:32 UTC
I don't worry about people in general. I worry about you and very few others.
I just want you to know that might be all you can do, but it's not something you have to do alone. I've seen Crow leave the building a few times, and I'm grateful he's with you, but don't think he's the only one that cares.
You should be careful using that word, you know...
Private to Nanaolunar_galeJune 11 2006, 20:08:28 UTC
...consider me informed.
I don't think I've ever tried to suffer alone. I didn't think I was isolating myself this time. I'm sorry if I seem to be. It feels like you're annoyed with me.
Is this about Crow? I've been arguing his worth with people entirely too often recently... He is my best friend, all other history aside. I know he's not the only one who cares, but he does care, and I enjoy spending time with him, even if he drives me insane from time to time.
...and what on earth is wrong with using the word 'love'? I can think of at least five people I love, and I don't think that's unusual. Love isn't an emotion reserved for a single use.
Now, if there's something I'm doing to upset you, just tell me. I don't like feeling at odds with you.
Private to Hayateise_nanao_chanJune 11 2006, 20:22:35 UTC
I'm not annoyed with you. I'm tired and unsure of things at the moment. I'm sorry if I led you to believe I was annoyed with you.
This has nothing to do with Crow. I know Kurenai's been giving you a hard time about him, but I'm not. I accept the fact that he's your best friend, just as I accepted the fact of your past with him.
There's nothing wrong with it. I just have a hard time believing it. The few times I've heard it said towards me or dealing with me, it ended up being false.
Private to Nanaolunar_galeJune 11 2006, 21:38:22 UTC
What are you unsure of?
Your acceptance still surprises me...
I don't know what I can say or do to prove myself, or even if I should. I've never had much faith in others, so I don't know if I have the right to ask others to have faith in me.
Are you okay right now? I know you have a sunburn. Do you need me to pick anything up for you when I go out? I have to run to a store later anyway...
Private to Nanaolunar_galeJune 11 2006, 23:37:46 UTC
Sometimes I feel like there are things you'd like to say that you don't. So, I unconsciously try to figure out what they might be... I know I shouldn't, but I do.
I'm sure you could find something I have faith in, if you try hard enough. Wait. I have faith in the notion that I'll eventually die. That's one.
I'll be going to a store soon. If you'd like, I'll drop off a full bottle of aloe on my way out. I have plenty.
Private to Nanaolunar_galeJune 12 2006, 00:35:19 UTC
Now I'm sure you're annoyed with me.
You might not believe me, but I hadn't meant to sound argumentative, and I wasn't talking about my illness. I was talking about the cycle of life in general, so yes, I've thought about it.
If you don't want to see me, I'll leave the aloe beside your door.
It's fine. You've been wonderful. Really, everything I would ask of you, you're already offering to do. I appreciate the effort and the offer to cook for me, from both you and Kurenai. You don't need to fuss so much.
This is nothing new. I've been like this for ten years, and it hasn't killed me. If I wake up one morning and can't drag myself out of bed or something, then it will be a problem. I'm functional, even if I'm coughing blood and have lost some weight.
I know that doesn't sound reassuring, but I really don't want you to think I'm trying to hold you at a distance. That isn't it. This just happens, usually several times a year. When I start feeling better, I'll gain the weight back. I was worse than this when I moved in here, and I got better. I'll get better again.
Can you try to trust me?
Reply
I know it's nothing new to you, but it is to me. I worry about the people I care about and that's not something I can change.
I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but that's just how I am.
That being said, I'll allow you to handle it like you have before. If you need me, let me know.
That's all I ask.
Reply
I'm sorry. I know you worry about people, I'm the same way. I understand. It doesn't bother me to hear that.
All I do when things get worse is see my doctor, get sent for more pointless tests, and keep going no matter how awful I feel. There's not much else I can do.
If you want to feel like you're helping, keep this in mind: Being with someone I love is always helpful. I want to be near you. Okay?
Reply
I just want you to know that might be all you can do, but it's not something you have to do alone. I've seen Crow leave the building a few times, and I'm grateful he's with you, but don't think he's the only one that cares.
You should be careful using that word, you know...
Reply
I don't think I've ever tried to suffer alone. I didn't think I was isolating myself this time. I'm sorry if I seem to be. It feels like you're annoyed with me.
Is this about Crow? I've been arguing his worth with people entirely too often recently... He is my best friend, all other history aside. I know he's not the only one who cares, but he does care, and I enjoy spending time with him, even if he drives me insane from time to time.
...and what on earth is wrong with using the word 'love'? I can think of at least five people I love, and I don't think that's unusual. Love isn't an emotion reserved for a single use.
Now, if there's something I'm doing to upset you, just tell me. I don't like feeling at odds with you.
Reply
This has nothing to do with Crow. I know Kurenai's been giving you a hard time about him, but I'm not. I accept the fact that he's your best friend, just as I accepted the fact of your past with him.
There's nothing wrong with it. I just have a hard time believing it. The few times I've heard it said towards me or dealing with me, it ended up being false.
It's nothing. I'm just unsettled right now...
Reply
Your acceptance still surprises me...
I don't know what I can say or do to prove myself, or even if I should. I've never had much faith in others, so I don't know if I have the right to ask others to have faith in me.
Are you okay right now? I know you have a sunburn. Do you need me to pick anything up for you when I go out? I have to run to a store later anyway...
Reply
You don't need to prove yourself. You've done so much for me already.
I'd like to think you have faith in some things.
I'm fine. My head still hurts a bit, as well as my shoulders and legs. I've still got aloe left and I'll go get some later if I feel up to it.
Reply
I'm sure you could find something I have faith in, if you try hard enough. Wait. I have faith in the notion that I'll eventually die. That's one.
I'll be going to a store soon. If you'd like, I'll drop off a full bottle of aloe on my way out. I have plenty.
Reply
No. I'll be fine. Thank you.
That was a completely unnecessary thing to say.
You know, life's a terminal illness if you think about it. So you can have faith in everyone for something.
Reply
You might not believe me, but I hadn't meant to sound argumentative, and I wasn't talking about my illness. I was talking about the cycle of life in general, so yes, I've thought about it.
If you don't want to see me, I'll leave the aloe beside your door.
Reply
I was just wanting to clarify that.
The last time I tried to just leave something by your door, you wouldn't let me. The same thing applies here.
I want to see you. I've wanted to see you all day, alright?
Reply
I'm heading out now.
Reply
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