This isn't what I expected...
... but truthfully I don't know what I was expecting. Let me explain: I had kind of a depressing conversation about the economy with my dad when I got back from L5R today. My dad and I are pretty close, in fact all of my family is pretty close. I really feel like I've grown up in a very supportive environment, which has probably led to my confidant attitude towards many things (despite my severe doubts about myself, I still have a stubborn confidence that defies logic). But I digress. Shit isn't going well. Everybody's hurting, and it just isn't a pleasant topic of conversation.
My parents are still dealing with losing the last child they could claim on their taxes to the dreaded adulthood. Both of my brothers are dealing with difficulties finding work. Ash is stuck at a job she doesn't really like. I feel bad about feeling bad about my job, frankly. I mean, I'm not in that bad of shape compared to some. I just feel guilty thinking my situation sucks when compared to a lot of other people right now, it doesn't. I have a job. I have steady hours. Short of closing out store (which while inevitable, isn't going to happen soon), my employment is secure.
60,000 full time employees lost their jobs last month according to my dad. It's been like that for several months now. The economic down turn is starting to effect people I know and love, and it scares me. I want to help, but I don't know how, and that frustrates me. All of this brings me to my initial point in writing this: This isn't what I expected when I graduated. I went to school to better my situation, to set up a better job. I haven't gotten one. Neither has Ash. Again, in all honesty I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't this. That's for damned sure.
The other night Ashley and I were eating out and discussing the un-fulfilling nature of our lives right now. Both of us feel like we're not doing anything that really matters. I know I'm important to the store, but I don't feel like I'm making a big difference in the world right now. Don't get me wrong, it is very satisfying to know how much I'm needed at work, but it isn't enough. Both of us want to make a difference on a grander scheme.
I'm approaching 24 this September, I'm almost a quarter of the way through my potential life. As much as I loved being a kid (to a large extent I find I can't let go of it, either), I need to embrace where I'm headed in life. I need to own up to my position in this world and start to make a mark. I'm a twenty-something now. How weird is that? Things that once seemed so far off (e.g. a career, living truly on my own, marriage) are all suddenly looming. I can't say I don't look forward to some of them, but it's like I just didn't realize how close they all were.
I get asked a lot at work how long Ash and I have been together. I reply that we've been dating for two years, two months and (at the moment I'm writing this) sixteen days (or whatever, dependent on when I was asked). That always sparks a question of marriage. I used to think, what are you crazy? I'm still in college! I'm only [insert age here]! But now I'm not in college. Now I'm almost 24. Jesus Christ, I'm in that age bracket that a lot of people who get married fall into. I have no doubt that I'll marry Ashley, but I just don't feel economically stable enough to consider it right now.
And we're back to the economy. It's been a scary night of thinking for me. But the reality is there: Things are going to be getting worse. Do I have the strength, in this time of hardship, to find a pace to stand and make a mark? I know I do, but from where I'm at right now, it's hard to see. God, in few years I'll have a real career-like job and be married. By a few years, we could be talking as few as two! Think about that! It's crazy, isn't it? But there it is.
How does one find his place in this world of increasing tension and confusion? It's been a scary night
My parents are still dealing with losing the last child they could claim on their taxes to the dreaded adulthood. Both of my brothers are dealing with difficulties finding work. Ash is stuck at a job she doesn't really like. I feel bad about feeling bad about my job, frankly. I mean, I'm not in that bad of shape compared to some. I just feel guilty thinking my situation sucks when compared to a lot of other people right now, it doesn't. I have a job. I have steady hours. Short of closing out store (which while inevitable, isn't going to happen soon), my employment is secure.
60,000 full time employees lost their jobs last month according to my dad. It's been like that for several months now. The economic down turn is starting to effect people I know and love, and it scares me. I want to help, but I don't know how, and that frustrates me. All of this brings me to my initial point in writing this: This isn't what I expected when I graduated. I went to school to better my situation, to set up a better job. I haven't gotten one. Neither has Ash. Again, in all honesty I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't this. That's for damned sure.
The other night Ashley and I were eating out and discussing the un-fulfilling nature of our lives right now. Both of us feel like we're not doing anything that really matters. I know I'm important to the store, but I don't feel like I'm making a big difference in the world right now. Don't get me wrong, it is very satisfying to know how much I'm needed at work, but it isn't enough. Both of us want to make a difference on a grander scheme.
I'm approaching 24 this September, I'm almost a quarter of the way through my potential life. As much as I loved being a kid (to a large extent I find I can't let go of it, either), I need to embrace where I'm headed in life. I need to own up to my position in this world and start to make a mark. I'm a twenty-something now. How weird is that? Things that once seemed so far off (e.g. a career, living truly on my own, marriage) are all suddenly looming. I can't say I don't look forward to some of them, but it's like I just didn't realize how close they all were.
I get asked a lot at work how long Ash and I have been together. I reply that we've been dating for two years, two months and (at the moment I'm writing this) sixteen days (or whatever, dependent on when I was asked). That always sparks a question of marriage. I used to think, what are you crazy? I'm still in college! I'm only [insert age here]! But now I'm not in college. Now I'm almost 24. Jesus Christ, I'm in that age bracket that a lot of people who get married fall into. I have no doubt that I'll marry Ashley, but I just don't feel economically stable enough to consider it right now.
And we're back to the economy. It's been a scary night of thinking for me. But the reality is there: Things are going to be getting worse. Do I have the strength, in this time of hardship, to find a pace to stand and make a mark? I know I do, but from where I'm at right now, it's hard to see. God, in few years I'll have a real career-like job and be married. By a few years, we could be talking as few as two! Think about that! It's crazy, isn't it? But there it is.
How does one find his place in this world of increasing tension and confusion? It's been a scary night