(no subject)
My request to join a community has been declined! A girl could get a complex.
Seriously though, I understand why some communities are wary of accepting LJ users who haven't posted much or commented much. You never know if they are a troll in waiting. Only, if people who watch the community have the ability to comment, which I suppose is what trolls typically do, does that make a difference?
Anyhoo. I'm trying to be bemused. This is my bemused face. Ages ago, I was actively posting under a different LJ name. That was when I was mainly involved in Potter fandom. When I moved on to other things, I decided to go with a new screen name. In part because I wanted a thematic name. But mainly because my old journal had personal entries and I'd decided it would be best for me to start at a new fandom with a clean slate. Try to keep the personal out of it (apart, obviously, from comments on life in a fandom).
But being turned down for this community did bring home two points for me:
1) I don't comment enough. I don't know why. I mean, I know that I never know how to respond to comments on my fics other than to say "thanks for reading". But I don't know that that's the reason for my reticence. I must, deep down, be an intellectual snob. Ok, not SO deep down. I'd feel guilty for commenting with "OMG that's great I LUV U yay pron!" or, you know, an articulate expression of my appreciation. After years in academia, including a stint of "teaching" writing, I can't easily take off my "constructive criticism" goggles once I hit the reply button. And even though some people claim to WANT c.c., I never feel it's my place to offer it. Not if I'm not a beta for the fic. And I think it's banal to just reproduce favorite lines, and trite to say that I had an emotional reaction. Which, as I said, is snobbish. I mean, why NOT let a writer know you were moved? Lord knows I like getting reviews, if only to see that people are reading. Very rarely do individual reviews stick in my head, just that overall sense that "this story went over well". So, I should, quite clearly, get over it. But, being antisocial as I am [ironic, given this post is about me wanting to join a community], I doubt I'll change. Especially when the standard "thanks for reading" reply gets under my skin.
2) I too often conflate online conflict / rejection with "real life" social situations. A while back, I was devastated when I was chastised for participating (starting?) a brief spat in the comment section of a fic writer's personal journal. Even in hindsight, it still...stings. And that's ridiculous. I don't know the people involved. The writer has long since deleted the journal and left the fandom (not, I hasten to add, because of that spat). But still, I feel a bit bruised when I think of it. It's all about context, in that situation. I think it was my first post since returning to the fandom after a long hiatus following my dad's death. More importantly, it was the first time I felt engaged with ANYTHING enough to care about saying something. I saw an argument brewing, and I commented, and I felt...elated. Finally, I wasn't just floating through my days, waiting to be tired enough to go back to sleep. I felt hopeful that some of my depression was starting to lift, because here was something I had interest in. So, of course, being smacked down like an unruly child for expressing that interest in that forum...I was monumentally discouraged. And, in my state of mind at the time, I thought it just showed that I should stay under the covers, continue my life as a shut in, and just slowly waste away because there was no fucking point to anything anymore. Did I mention the depression?
Anyhoo...it's not like that this time. I have no personal stake in joining the community. I could just as easily have pressed the "watch this community" button. But I've been thinking about it and I still over-inflate these things. Because my second thought on seeing I'd been declined (after the bemused "WTF I've had a LJ account for ages and used to post all the time...but, oh, half of that was under a different screen name so never mind") was a petty "I don't need your pity" reaction to the decliner's uber thoughtful follow-up PM suggesting I'm welcome to watch the community instead. How ridiculous is that?! (My reaction, that is.) The mods of this place obviously care enough to send out messages to people they decline membership to, to explain why and to try to make them feel welcome anyway. But I instinctively though: If I sign up to watch this place, they'll know. And I'll be that girl they just turned down. Isn't that like crawling back to an ex, asking for a second chance?
So I've been thinking about it, and now I just find it an interesting look at my own attitudes towards social situations. It's no secret to my friends that I'd happily be a shut-in as long as I had enough to entertain me in my house. I'm fine with having only a few close friends and a few more close acquaintances. I always knew that that was because I'm shy, not selective, but also low maintenance in terms of needing shoulders to cry on or people to tell the details of my day to. But, taking a step back, it's obvious that part of me really wants to be gregarious. At least online, where it takes less effort (as in, I don't have to drag myself out of the house to go to a pub because all my friends will be there). Because if I didn't want, now and then, to be part of a community rather than just a watcher, I wouldn't react to these things in such a strong way. And I find that revelation a bit disconcerting. Because, still, I know I'm unlikely to start commenting more or writing more or in general asserting my presence. I'm lazy and flighty and already don't care enough about "real life" friends [again, did I mention the depression?], so I can't justify becoming a joiner. I'd only back out later, and I've always held grudges against people who disappear from communities without letting fans, for lack of a better word, know why.
So, there that is. This is me, making an effort to post more. Post something I won't classify as private, at any rate. I've just thought of another reason I don't do this sort of social networking thing. Should have been obvious. I'm known for having a self-esteem issue. Actually, I quite loathe myself. Looking this over, I see how tedious it is. I'd be much better off just posting fangirlish squees over my few celebrity / character crushes. But I think it may be more interesting to save the personal entries of this journal for bitching about or dissecting fandom. Because it's a huge part of my life. Or day. And I'm hardly going to share it with my flatmates, who are aware that I've done very little research in the past year so shouldn't be spending my time reading fanfic over reading literary criticism. So, maybe I'll make a habit of this. Dear diary: I hate when shippers are haters. Could be fun. And theraputic.
Seriously though, I understand why some communities are wary of accepting LJ users who haven't posted much or commented much. You never know if they are a troll in waiting. Only, if people who watch the community have the ability to comment, which I suppose is what trolls typically do, does that make a difference?
Anyhoo. I'm trying to be bemused. This is my bemused face. Ages ago, I was actively posting under a different LJ name. That was when I was mainly involved in Potter fandom. When I moved on to other things, I decided to go with a new screen name. In part because I wanted a thematic name. But mainly because my old journal had personal entries and I'd decided it would be best for me to start at a new fandom with a clean slate. Try to keep the personal out of it (apart, obviously, from comments on life in a fandom).
But being turned down for this community did bring home two points for me:
1) I don't comment enough. I don't know why. I mean, I know that I never know how to respond to comments on my fics other than to say "thanks for reading". But I don't know that that's the reason for my reticence. I must, deep down, be an intellectual snob. Ok, not SO deep down. I'd feel guilty for commenting with "OMG that's great I LUV U yay pron!" or, you know, an articulate expression of my appreciation. After years in academia, including a stint of "teaching" writing, I can't easily take off my "constructive criticism" goggles once I hit the reply button. And even though some people claim to WANT c.c., I never feel it's my place to offer it. Not if I'm not a beta for the fic. And I think it's banal to just reproduce favorite lines, and trite to say that I had an emotional reaction. Which, as I said, is snobbish. I mean, why NOT let a writer know you were moved? Lord knows I like getting reviews, if only to see that people are reading. Very rarely do individual reviews stick in my head, just that overall sense that "this story went over well". So, I should, quite clearly, get over it. But, being antisocial as I am [ironic, given this post is about me wanting to join a community], I doubt I'll change. Especially when the standard "thanks for reading" reply gets under my skin.
2) I too often conflate online conflict / rejection with "real life" social situations. A while back, I was devastated when I was chastised for participating (starting?) a brief spat in the comment section of a fic writer's personal journal. Even in hindsight, it still...stings. And that's ridiculous. I don't know the people involved. The writer has long since deleted the journal and left the fandom (not, I hasten to add, because of that spat). But still, I feel a bit bruised when I think of it. It's all about context, in that situation. I think it was my first post since returning to the fandom after a long hiatus following my dad's death. More importantly, it was the first time I felt engaged with ANYTHING enough to care about saying something. I saw an argument brewing, and I commented, and I felt...elated. Finally, I wasn't just floating through my days, waiting to be tired enough to go back to sleep. I felt hopeful that some of my depression was starting to lift, because here was something I had interest in. So, of course, being smacked down like an unruly child for expressing that interest in that forum...I was monumentally discouraged. And, in my state of mind at the time, I thought it just showed that I should stay under the covers, continue my life as a shut in, and just slowly waste away because there was no fucking point to anything anymore. Did I mention the depression?
Anyhoo...it's not like that this time. I have no personal stake in joining the community. I could just as easily have pressed the "watch this community" button. But I've been thinking about it and I still over-inflate these things. Because my second thought on seeing I'd been declined (after the bemused "WTF I've had a LJ account for ages and used to post all the time...but, oh, half of that was under a different screen name so never mind") was a petty "I don't need your pity" reaction to the decliner's uber thoughtful follow-up PM suggesting I'm welcome to watch the community instead. How ridiculous is that?! (My reaction, that is.) The mods of this place obviously care enough to send out messages to people they decline membership to, to explain why and to try to make them feel welcome anyway. But I instinctively though: If I sign up to watch this place, they'll know. And I'll be that girl they just turned down. Isn't that like crawling back to an ex, asking for a second chance?
So I've been thinking about it, and now I just find it an interesting look at my own attitudes towards social situations. It's no secret to my friends that I'd happily be a shut-in as long as I had enough to entertain me in my house. I'm fine with having only a few close friends and a few more close acquaintances. I always knew that that was because I'm shy, not selective, but also low maintenance in terms of needing shoulders to cry on or people to tell the details of my day to. But, taking a step back, it's obvious that part of me really wants to be gregarious. At least online, where it takes less effort (as in, I don't have to drag myself out of the house to go to a pub because all my friends will be there). Because if I didn't want, now and then, to be part of a community rather than just a watcher, I wouldn't react to these things in such a strong way. And I find that revelation a bit disconcerting. Because, still, I know I'm unlikely to start commenting more or writing more or in general asserting my presence. I'm lazy and flighty and already don't care enough about "real life" friends [again, did I mention the depression?], so I can't justify becoming a joiner. I'd only back out later, and I've always held grudges against people who disappear from communities without letting fans, for lack of a better word, know why.
So, there that is. This is me, making an effort to post more. Post something I won't classify as private, at any rate. I've just thought of another reason I don't do this sort of social networking thing. Should have been obvious. I'm known for having a self-esteem issue. Actually, I quite loathe myself. Looking this over, I see how tedious it is. I'd be much better off just posting fangirlish squees over my few celebrity / character crushes. But I think it may be more interesting to save the personal entries of this journal for bitching about or dissecting fandom. Because it's a huge part of my life. Or day. And I'm hardly going to share it with my flatmates, who are aware that I've done very little research in the past year so shouldn't be spending my time reading fanfic over reading literary criticism. So, maybe I'll make a habit of this. Dear diary: I hate when shippers are haters. Could be fun. And theraputic.