Call It What You Want
Two thousand and eleven. This year went by so quickly. School, work, and family consumed me. I stuck with my decision to distance myself from everyone that wasn't truly there for me. I ended up with few people by my side and even though that might sound negative, it's not. I know who my friends are and I like that I count them on one hand. I'm perfectly at peace with everyone else being demoted to acquaintance.
I have officially been on my own for a year plus and the growth I anticipated has happened. My educational plan may have come to an abrupt pause and I might be working the cosmetics counter at a local drugstore, while I try to figure out where I want to go, again, but I am blessed that I had the chance to have a dialogue with my inner self every day. I searched for my strengths and weaknesses, poking and prodding at them until I ached all over. I know who I am. More importantly, those around me know who I am, more so than years past. My friends and family have seen my scream in anger, pull at my hair in frustration, and lock myself in the bathroom floor while I cried my eyes out. Previously, I never allowed myself to show that type of weakness, I never allowed for others to see that side of me. And it was liberating. It was so fucking freeing. They think no different of me except for now, they know I'm human, that I do have limits, and that I am sensitive to my surroundings in a way they never figured I was before. I'm not weak in their eyes. I'm not cowardly. I'm just me.
On the other side of the coin, they've seen me keep calm through severely stressful situations, they've seen me fight tooth and nail to keep us above water, and they've seen me laugh and dance with a fervor and passion that stemmed from somewhere pure and free from corruption. I didn't hesitate to step up to defend a friend in need, I spoke my mind, loud and clear, and I didn't allow to have people step all over me.
I faced dark demons this year. I accepted my character flaws. I have been free from my addictions for over a year, I am clean. It's been a while since I could say that. I answered those deep, frightening, questions inside of me and I'm good with what I came up with. I'm doing what needs to be done to better not only my future, but the future of those that depend on me, and of those I depend on. There continues to be light and magic inside of me and I know I am not misguided. I am not a follower, I am a leader. I might not have money to throw at my problems, or the perfect body to attract someone to pay my way, but I am cunning, and mischievous, and intelligent. I problem solve like a queen, make things happen like a hustler, and manipulate situations like a thief. For me, that's something to be proud of. I am not someone to trifle with. I am the best warrior to have on your side. I am the lioness of my jungle. I am doing things my way. And if you don't like it, if you don't agree with it, or you think I should be doing things differently, you can fuck off.
That's what I've learned in two thousand and eleven. The year that I turned twenty seven. Because, fuck you, I'm Miss Ledo.