Such An Unfortunate Time
I realized today that I have, in actuality, made no progress, emotionally or physically. I have been drowning in escapism. I throw myself into activities that provide me with the opportunity to step away from the issues that are cutting into me. And I'm bored. A little scared, even. I am definitely hesitant.
My life has become this tangled mess that I doubt I have the skills to unravel. And instead of hustling to hammer out a solution, I want to slip further away. I want so badly to turn inside out, so tightly that I disappear. The fire inside of me, the light I used to have, is out. And if I am honest with myself, it has been out since June.
I don't have a clue what's to become of me. Of my life. I don't even know if I care that I had such potential. I could have had such a bright future but I just shrug my shoulders.
I have no local friends, no girlfriends that can lend some kind of support. One is too wrapped up in her Facebook fucklife that she's completely lost sight of the sun, much less our friendship. One worries about her wedding, one that I can no longer be part of and I can't burden her with.. me. And the other, I am not close enough to her to confess that I have no spark left.
My relationship with my father has completely deteriorated after what happened on Monday and my bond with my mother weakens the more days pass. However, I have always been on my own when it deals with my emotional life. They have been rarely privy to what goes on behind the scenes. In the past, I was okay with that and now, I am not. My, how things change. I believe that I grew accustomed to having Danny to talk about my day with that I no longer can cope, on my own. I have no one here to lean on. I am bloated with secrets, desires and frustrations.
And I have people willing to listen, wonderful people that I love dearly, but the words don't come out. I don't pick up the phone and I am trying to figure out why.
I don't want to admit my failures or fears. I am, again, the girl that doesn't let anyone see her cry. And I'm so sick of crying. I am so tired of hiding. I don't know how to ask for help. I don't even know the kind of help I need. I need someone to hold my hand. I need someone to hug me and to tell me that everything will be alright. And I hate myself for that. I hate myself for being so affected by what happened in June. I hate myself for not having snapped out of it by now. I hate myself for giving my heart to someone who just threw it away. I hate that I became one of those girls that bet it all on one person, knowing that he would disappoint me. I hate that without him in my life, I have no idea how to define myself. I hate that I can't straighten out my life. I hate that I have no one to save me. I hate myself for thinking I need someone to save me. I hate that I can't save myself.
I need to find a job, I need to continue to search for a job but I'm scared that I'll quit after a month. Again. Even if my reasons are sound. I need to go back to school but my heart isn't in it.
My heart isn't into anything. Some days, I wake up thinking that if it weren't for all this grief, I wouldn't have a heart at all.
My life has become this tangled mess that I doubt I have the skills to unravel. And instead of hustling to hammer out a solution, I want to slip further away. I want so badly to turn inside out, so tightly that I disappear. The fire inside of me, the light I used to have, is out. And if I am honest with myself, it has been out since June.
I don't have a clue what's to become of me. Of my life. I don't even know if I care that I had such potential. I could have had such a bright future but I just shrug my shoulders.
I have no local friends, no girlfriends that can lend some kind of support. One is too wrapped up in her Facebook fucklife that she's completely lost sight of the sun, much less our friendship. One worries about her wedding, one that I can no longer be part of and I can't burden her with.. me. And the other, I am not close enough to her to confess that I have no spark left.
My relationship with my father has completely deteriorated after what happened on Monday and my bond with my mother weakens the more days pass. However, I have always been on my own when it deals with my emotional life. They have been rarely privy to what goes on behind the scenes. In the past, I was okay with that and now, I am not. My, how things change. I believe that I grew accustomed to having Danny to talk about my day with that I no longer can cope, on my own. I have no one here to lean on. I am bloated with secrets, desires and frustrations.
And I have people willing to listen, wonderful people that I love dearly, but the words don't come out. I don't pick up the phone and I am trying to figure out why.
I don't want to admit my failures or fears. I am, again, the girl that doesn't let anyone see her cry. And I'm so sick of crying. I am so tired of hiding. I don't know how to ask for help. I don't even know the kind of help I need. I need someone to hold my hand. I need someone to hug me and to tell me that everything will be alright. And I hate myself for that. I hate myself for being so affected by what happened in June. I hate myself for not having snapped out of it by now. I hate myself for giving my heart to someone who just threw it away. I hate that I became one of those girls that bet it all on one person, knowing that he would disappoint me. I hate that without him in my life, I have no idea how to define myself. I hate that I can't straighten out my life. I hate that I have no one to save me. I hate myself for thinking I need someone to save me. I hate that I can't save myself.
I need to find a job, I need to continue to search for a job but I'm scared that I'll quit after a month. Again. Even if my reasons are sound. I need to go back to school but my heart isn't in it.
My heart isn't into anything. Some days, I wake up thinking that if it weren't for all this grief, I wouldn't have a heart at all.