Diggin in the past
This weekend I cleaned a bit more of my room. As in spring cleaning and getting rid of things. I'm actually able to throw things away, which is rare. Need to make use of this.
Digging through some of my boxes I found old photographs. From age 12 to 20, I guess. God, I used to be weird. Horrible looking glasses, very bad skin, strange clothes. I was thin! At the same time I looked so happy and unafraid of the future. (At least on most of the pictures, nobody took pics when I was in a depressed mood).
Then came the pictures with Manfred, by first boyfriend. We'd been together for 6 years and seeing those pics again, I started to cry. Never happened before, that I got that emotional by just a picture of him, but something broke open today. We split 9 years ago and now I start hurting again?
I don't understand it.
What I understand is, that seeing that picture I had to realize, he was the perfect man for me. Had everything I needed, wanted. Not in the end, when we both changed, but the first 5 years, he was perfect. I used to be so happy. Used to be whole. Never loved anybody else again as much as I loved him.
When he left me, I was broken. It almost killed me. I almost killed myself.
I've fought so much since, to get my feet back on the ground. To live with myself. To deal with my life on my own. I think I managed it.
Still alive, aren't I?
Respected, loved and everything. But on my heart is a scar that will never go away. Today it started aching again.
Damn, why am I crying again?
You know, it's really funny, when I look in the mirror, I still see the 18 year old girl. The picture I have of myself is not a recent one. I look exactly like I did back then. That's why I'm usually shocked when seeing new pictures of myself. That person is not me, it doesn't fit together.
Maybe all the fat I have gained is some kind of armor. Buried under it is the real Isa. Hopefully just padded, not suffocated. Time to dig her up, I guess.
Wish me luck.
Digging through some of my boxes I found old photographs. From age 12 to 20, I guess. God, I used to be weird. Horrible looking glasses, very bad skin, strange clothes. I was thin! At the same time I looked so happy and unafraid of the future. (At least on most of the pictures, nobody took pics when I was in a depressed mood).
Then came the pictures with Manfred, by first boyfriend. We'd been together for 6 years and seeing those pics again, I started to cry. Never happened before, that I got that emotional by just a picture of him, but something broke open today. We split 9 years ago and now I start hurting again?
I don't understand it.
What I understand is, that seeing that picture I had to realize, he was the perfect man for me. Had everything I needed, wanted. Not in the end, when we both changed, but the first 5 years, he was perfect. I used to be so happy. Used to be whole. Never loved anybody else again as much as I loved him.
When he left me, I was broken. It almost killed me. I almost killed myself.
I've fought so much since, to get my feet back on the ground. To live with myself. To deal with my life on my own. I think I managed it.
Still alive, aren't I?
Respected, loved and everything. But on my heart is a scar that will never go away. Today it started aching again.
Damn, why am I crying again?
You know, it's really funny, when I look in the mirror, I still see the 18 year old girl. The picture I have of myself is not a recent one. I look exactly like I did back then. That's why I'm usually shocked when seeing new pictures of myself. That person is not me, it doesn't fit together.
Maybe all the fat I have gained is some kind of armor. Buried under it is the real Isa. Hopefully just padded, not suffocated. Time to dig her up, I guess.
Wish me luck.