King Rat as modest mouse sings
I am not going to use periods at the end of my sentences because my keyboard is fucked unless its a ! or , other than that we are fucking screwed
So much as happened in these past, who knows how long its been,
all i know is that the stress i cause my significant other and on myself is surely a sign, no ! it is evidence that i have mental illness, from the mouth of the man who loves me, i know now that i am truely a unhappy person,,, boo fucking hooo
I live in this new house my parents have rented out and now actually is getting kicked out because my father can not afford the rent, he could easily afford the rent but he keeps losing his amazing jobs as head of corporations working with computers and getting about 60 to 50 an hour,,, they say its because its the economy but as fast as he can get a job he loses it, my poor dad i just wish he could snap out of this depression, then again it is a sad realization to know that the most immature and selfish people that my brother and i have known are our parents,
My brother got really wasted last night and hugged me, it was a weird experience because we never hug, and he cried and said that he is scared, and that he is taking his son and his wife (one of my best friends ) away and is going into the navy, here is another guzman who is so promising with words more than actions, and it is heartbreaking,
He cannot get a job because he has to watch his son of one year,,, So he plays Mr mom as Amy goes to work, i hope the best for them
as soon as david and i got kicked out of the apartment due to wrestling with my mother to the ground as we punched and kicked each other, she was wearing these boots that had spikes for heals and she was kicking my sides like nothing, so the neighbors and the manager told us to get out, my dear sweet put together, good credit score, owns his own car david was mortified and like most of the fights that have almost ended our relationship this one was one that i could not look at him with, i knew that i was on the brink of loosing him, He moved in with his mother and i moved with my parents to this house, then david and i both enrolled into some classes at mount sac, a community college that is filled to the brim with asians, We always fight and i feel more needy than ever, we have called it quits many times, yet i dig my claws deep into him, thus ending his normal life into something that could possibly be more, i have been abusive and derranged and yet i am completely lose with and with out him, i find my self more jealous and suspicious and i dont know what is wrong with me, i cling on to him as if i have been thrown over board in the middle of the ocean and hes my only life preserver and saftey until some one or something comes and picks me up, i have never been this pathetic, he knows this and i know this, yet he is constantly letting my back into his arms, i am a very very troubled girl/woman and i see it more than ever, its funny after partying and trying to be a responsible adult i still find some way to fuck things up, so much so that a person who has fallen for me is made into stone because of my sad and horrible actions, Yet i do not cheat, and i do not hate him but i say things that are terrible and i can get really violent, never did i think that i would ever be like this to the one that i love and cherished,
Next thursday i will be moving in with him, he got an apartment and we are both scared and it is because of what i might do, god help me i am crazy,
he says that it always feels like im always hostle and shit i am, i have repressed anger deep in myself from years of a selfish drunk mother and a father who is there but not really, you know hes in the room but if you need anything from these people, a pair of paints, gas money, food, dont ask, but if you need some boose then party on!
After i was certified as a cna and pt aide and what have you, i got a job at a senior living facility and became certified as a med tech, i pass out medications and assist the poor old people, and it can get very messy, david is a respitory aide and is going to go to school as a respitory therapist soon, i am a little nervous because i need to futher my education but it will be hard due to the fact that i dont really get paid much at all, i dont know why i feel this way, but i almost feel as if that my family as well as david and i are struggling the most out of everyone, i dont get it at all, and i think that i have an ucler, and my eating habits are screwy, one day i will not eat anything, well for about 2 days and then i'll eat a little something but with david and our relationship almost dying and my family almost fading out into a depressed state, i am on the edgest of edge, and davids grandmother is dying and that is stressing him out and i dont know how to make him feel better when i always put him in a bad mood for stupid things i say, i know he is trying because we love each other but really i can see that he is giving up, its so scary, i just want us to be happy, what is that so difficult?! why do i feel like i have to cling on to him soo much, its sooooo annoying, and i can see that he wants his space soo much, god, i wish i had more friends, i wish i had money, god please i know i am a good person, sure i look as if i have low self esteme but im actually a person with too much ego, oh no,,,, maybe this is what i need, its a sign that my shit stinks and that i need to calm the fuck down, damn you brain shut up, the older i get the crazier i get dear god david is with a sick sick woman god help us!
i feel like im just waiting around for david, and i know i shouldnt do this, but i just feel like i dont seem him and when we do its for short periods of time, and i just feel like i am on the brink of insanity and i know that this is just the begining of it all
oh david, i dont know,,,,
pardon the horrible spelling
So much as happened in these past, who knows how long its been,
all i know is that the stress i cause my significant other and on myself is surely a sign, no ! it is evidence that i have mental illness, from the mouth of the man who loves me, i know now that i am truely a unhappy person,,, boo fucking hooo
I live in this new house my parents have rented out and now actually is getting kicked out because my father can not afford the rent, he could easily afford the rent but he keeps losing his amazing jobs as head of corporations working with computers and getting about 60 to 50 an hour,,, they say its because its the economy but as fast as he can get a job he loses it, my poor dad i just wish he could snap out of this depression, then again it is a sad realization to know that the most immature and selfish people that my brother and i have known are our parents,
My brother got really wasted last night and hugged me, it was a weird experience because we never hug, and he cried and said that he is scared, and that he is taking his son and his wife (one of my best friends ) away and is going into the navy, here is another guzman who is so promising with words more than actions, and it is heartbreaking,
He cannot get a job because he has to watch his son of one year,,, So he plays Mr mom as Amy goes to work, i hope the best for them
as soon as david and i got kicked out of the apartment due to wrestling with my mother to the ground as we punched and kicked each other, she was wearing these boots that had spikes for heals and she was kicking my sides like nothing, so the neighbors and the manager told us to get out, my dear sweet put together, good credit score, owns his own car david was mortified and like most of the fights that have almost ended our relationship this one was one that i could not look at him with, i knew that i was on the brink of loosing him, He moved in with his mother and i moved with my parents to this house, then david and i both enrolled into some classes at mount sac, a community college that is filled to the brim with asians, We always fight and i feel more needy than ever, we have called it quits many times, yet i dig my claws deep into him, thus ending his normal life into something that could possibly be more, i have been abusive and derranged and yet i am completely lose with and with out him, i find my self more jealous and suspicious and i dont know what is wrong with me, i cling on to him as if i have been thrown over board in the middle of the ocean and hes my only life preserver and saftey until some one or something comes and picks me up, i have never been this pathetic, he knows this and i know this, yet he is constantly letting my back into his arms, i am a very very troubled girl/woman and i see it more than ever, its funny after partying and trying to be a responsible adult i still find some way to fuck things up, so much so that a person who has fallen for me is made into stone because of my sad and horrible actions, Yet i do not cheat, and i do not hate him but i say things that are terrible and i can get really violent, never did i think that i would ever be like this to the one that i love and cherished,
Next thursday i will be moving in with him, he got an apartment and we are both scared and it is because of what i might do, god help me i am crazy,
he says that it always feels like im always hostle and shit i am, i have repressed anger deep in myself from years of a selfish drunk mother and a father who is there but not really, you know hes in the room but if you need anything from these people, a pair of paints, gas money, food, dont ask, but if you need some boose then party on!
After i was certified as a cna and pt aide and what have you, i got a job at a senior living facility and became certified as a med tech, i pass out medications and assist the poor old people, and it can get very messy, david is a respitory aide and is going to go to school as a respitory therapist soon, i am a little nervous because i need to futher my education but it will be hard due to the fact that i dont really get paid much at all, i dont know why i feel this way, but i almost feel as if that my family as well as david and i are struggling the most out of everyone, i dont get it at all, and i think that i have an ucler, and my eating habits are screwy, one day i will not eat anything, well for about 2 days and then i'll eat a little something but with david and our relationship almost dying and my family almost fading out into a depressed state, i am on the edgest of edge, and davids grandmother is dying and that is stressing him out and i dont know how to make him feel better when i always put him in a bad mood for stupid things i say, i know he is trying because we love each other but really i can see that he is giving up, its so scary, i just want us to be happy, what is that so difficult?! why do i feel like i have to cling on to him soo much, its sooooo annoying, and i can see that he wants his space soo much, god, i wish i had more friends, i wish i had money, god please i know i am a good person, sure i look as if i have low self esteme but im actually a person with too much ego, oh no,,,, maybe this is what i need, its a sign that my shit stinks and that i need to calm the fuck down, damn you brain shut up, the older i get the crazier i get dear god david is with a sick sick woman god help us!
i feel like im just waiting around for david, and i know i shouldnt do this, but i just feel like i dont seem him and when we do its for short periods of time, and i just feel like i am on the brink of insanity and i know that this is just the begining of it all
oh david, i dont know,,,,
pardon the horrible spelling