(no subject)
Here are some really offensive jokes to certain people, so i warned those of you who will care, so dont bitch.
Q. Why do hillbilly guys go to family reunions?
A. To pick up chicks.
Q. Why do Italian men have mustaches?
A. So they can look like their mothers.
Q. Why Wasn't Christ Born In Mexico?
A. Because They Couldn't Find Three Wise Men And A Virgin.
Q. What Do You Get When You Cross A Mexican And An Ape.
A. A Retarded Ape.
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
The Kuwaiti women replied, "Land mines."
A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it.
He looks at his mother and says, "Look momma...I'm a white boy."
His mama slaps him hard on the face and says, "Boy go show your daddy."
The boy goes into the living room and says, "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy."
His daddy slaps him on the face too and says, "Boy, go show your grandma."
So the boy goes to see his grandma and says, "Look Granny, I'm a white boy."
She slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says, "well, did you learn something from all of this?"
The boy shakes his head and says, "I sure nuff did. I've only been a white boy for a five minutes and I already hate you black people."
A ventriloquist is working down South and during his show a local stands up and yells, "HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!"
"Relax" said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!"
"I'm not talking to you, sir!" The hick replied "I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!"
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!"
The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.
Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!"
An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers.
The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun.
As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.
Adolph Hitler was having terrible nightmares, and so he decided to go to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could find the source of his problem.
"I am sorry but I am unable to help you solve your dreams" said the fortune teller, "but I do know that you will die on a Jewish holiday."
"And which holiday will this be?" he asked.
"It does not matter." she replied. "Any day that you die will be a Jewish Holiday."
One day, three nuns were talking while enjoying their cups of tea, when one of the nuns leaned towards the other two and whispered, "I'm in such a dilemma, sisters, and I don't know what to do. Maybe you can help me. When I was cleaning the Father's room, I found a box of condoms in his dresser drawer, and now I don't know whether or not to tell Bishop. What do you think I should do?"
"Oh my word," said the second nun. "I must have found the same box of condoms when I cleaned his room last week! Well, I don't know if you should tell the Bishop or not but do you know what I did? I poked a hole in the end of each and everyone of them."
Both nuns heard a gasp, turned and saw that the third nun had fainted.
Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila says: "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide in horror and she barks: "What did you just say??"
"A prostitute!" Sheila repeats.
Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant."
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.
Q. Why do hillbilly guys go to family reunions?
A. To pick up chicks.
Q. Why do Italian men have mustaches?
A. So they can look like their mothers.
Q. Why Wasn't Christ Born In Mexico?
A. Because They Couldn't Find Three Wise Men And A Virgin.
Q. What Do You Get When You Cross A Mexican And An Ape.
A. A Retarded Ape.
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
The Kuwaiti women replied, "Land mines."
A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it.
He looks at his mother and says, "Look momma...I'm a white boy."
His mama slaps him hard on the face and says, "Boy go show your daddy."
The boy goes into the living room and says, "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy."
His daddy slaps him on the face too and says, "Boy, go show your grandma."
So the boy goes to see his grandma and says, "Look Granny, I'm a white boy."
She slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says, "well, did you learn something from all of this?"
The boy shakes his head and says, "I sure nuff did. I've only been a white boy for a five minutes and I already hate you black people."
A ventriloquist is working down South and during his show a local stands up and yells, "HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!"
"Relax" said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!"
"I'm not talking to you, sir!" The hick replied "I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!"
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!"
The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.
Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!"
An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers.
The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun.
As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.
Adolph Hitler was having terrible nightmares, and so he decided to go to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could find the source of his problem.
"I am sorry but I am unable to help you solve your dreams" said the fortune teller, "but I do know that you will die on a Jewish holiday."
"And which holiday will this be?" he asked.
"It does not matter." she replied. "Any day that you die will be a Jewish Holiday."
One day, three nuns were talking while enjoying their cups of tea, when one of the nuns leaned towards the other two and whispered, "I'm in such a dilemma, sisters, and I don't know what to do. Maybe you can help me. When I was cleaning the Father's room, I found a box of condoms in his dresser drawer, and now I don't know whether or not to tell Bishop. What do you think I should do?"
"Oh my word," said the second nun. "I must have found the same box of condoms when I cleaned his room last week! Well, I don't know if you should tell the Bishop or not but do you know what I did? I poked a hole in the end of each and everyone of them."
Both nuns heard a gasp, turned and saw that the third nun had fainted.
Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila says: "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide in horror and she barks: "What did you just say??"
"A prostitute!" Sheila repeats.
Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant."
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.