All I Wanted Was You - 1/1
Title: All I Wanted Was You
Fandom: Gossip Girl (TV/Books)
Pairing: Blair/Serena (with some Blair/Nate)
Rating: PG-13
Story: Starting with Serena and Blair as kids, up until they're sixteen. Blair's perspective and how she tries to deal with her feelings for Serena.
Author's Note: This was originally just the first scene, which I handwrote on a piece of paper that's been lost. Wrote everything else as a continuation and then ended up re-writing the first scene. But anyways, this fic focuses on Blair and Serena, sort of between their book and tv show characters. I've always loved the Serena in the books, she had that energy and life to her that wasn't really captured by the show. And Blair is just my favorite, oh gosh, I don't think I've ever related to as a character as much. Scary to be writing a fic focusing on her perspective but I've always loved Serena/Blair. This was written in a style a bit different from my usual but I'm hoping it works :)
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They sit on the sandy beach, licking popsicles that are red, white, and blue. Everyone else is back at the party, at the summerhouse of some friend of their parents. The Hamptons is pretty much synonymous with summer, as far as Blair's concerned.
Serena is sprawled out, her fancy dress rumpled carelessly around her, her shoes flung off. Blair is sitting neatly, her legs tucked underneath her, shoes still strapped on her feet. She can't help looking back over her shoulder every now and then, wondering if their parents have noticed that the pair of nine year-olds slipped away from everyone else. But she can feel herself relaxing too. Serena isn't worried about getting in trouble so neither is she.
As if to prove that point, the blonde jumps to her feet with a giggle, handing her popsicle to Blair with the instruction "Watch this!" She dashes a few feet away and then launches herself into a cartwheel, even though she's wearing a dress. Her feet are coated with sand and they're flung up high for a moment before she's comes crashing down in a tangle of limbs and laughter.
Blair laughs too, even though she'd never do the things her best friend does.
Serena scampers back to grab her popsicle before flopping down in the sand with a content sigh. "I love the Fourth of July," she enthuses, eyes bright. They always light up when she's excited.
No one else has eyes like Serena van der Woodsen.
"No school, a big party, the beach, fireworks," Blair lists off, grinning. "This is the life," she mocks, her voice taking on an airy tone. Her eyes have that mischevious glint in them.
"Just me and you," Serena adds, getting to her feet again. She can never just sit still. It's why everyone always looks at her.
Taking her popsicle, she starts to draw a shape in the sand, earning a squealed "Ew!" from Blair.
"I'm not gonna eat it now!" Serena laughs, starting to write. "I didn't want the rest anyways."
Blair cranes her neck but still can't make out whatever her friend is etching in the sand. She gets up carefully, grabbing the skirt of her pouffy, party dress as she runs over to Serena.
It's a heart.
S + B, it says inside.
Blair can't help the sudden excitement she feels, even though she rolls her eyes automatically. "You're supposed to do that with boys, S," she explains, looking around for a stick so she can draw another heart for her and Nate.
"No, it just means you love each other," Serena argues, raising an eyebrow at Blair and letting a teensy smile steal onto her face. Her eyes are as bright as ever. "And I love you, B, don't you love me too?" She pretends to pout.
Blair turns back to face her with a resigned sigh, although she's smiling. "Of course I love you." She holds out her pinky, that glint in her eyes again. "Friends forever."
With a sudden laugh, Serena grabs Blair's hand and pulls her down onto the sand. Blair wants to protest, remind her of what her mother will say if she sees that her dress is dirty, but she doesn't say anything, just clutches her popsicle tightly.
"Friends," Serena starts, kissing her quickly on one cheek, "-forever." She kisses the other cheek, and giggles. Blair can feel the giggle on her own lips; their faces are so close.
And then suddenly, she feels Serena's lips on her own, pressing into them softly and sweetly. Her mouth is warm and tastes like popsicles. Like summer, and no school, and fireworks, and the Fourth of the July.
She's always thought that Nate will be her first kiss and that it will happen in a few years when she's older, a young adult. But the unexpectedness of kissing Serena now, not some far off time, on the beach, with her fancy dress rumpled and the both of them tasting so sweet only makes it better.
Friends kiss, she tells herself in the pause after Serena pulls away, still so close. Right? Friends kiss. It's like a pact, sealing their friendship forever. But it doesn't feel like a pact.
It suprises her, realizing how much she wanted something she never even knew she wanted.
But her thoughts are cut to a quick halt as Serena jumps up, laughing that laugh of hers and extending a hand.
"Friends forever!" she says again, smiling at Blair.
Blair takes her hand and gets to her feet.
Friends forever. A future that seemed so bright and magical a moment ago now leaves a sick feeling in her stomach that she doesn't understand.
It's the popsicle. It has to be the popsicle. The one that she'd almost finished before Serena kissed her and she kissed her back and dropped it in the sand.
Serena jams her feet back into her shoes and starts to run back to the party. Blair follows her quickly, telling herself that what she feels is normal.
Everyone loves Serena van der Woodsen.
That doesn't stop her from thinking that no one loves Serena like she does.
"I know Christmas is your favorite time of year," Nate says as he leads her away from the party, away from their parents and all the mingling adults. Away from everyone, just the two of them. It's enough to set her heart thumping away, both from the excitement of sneaking off and from being in such close proximity to Nate, who's turned around to face her and grabs her other hand in his too. They stand there for a moment, hands swinging slightly.
She doesn't bother to correct him. Thanksgiving is her favorite time of her year. But she loves Christmas too so what does it matter? He's staring at her with those blue eyes she's been in love with since she was five years old. And he looks up suddenly, his expression becoming so mischevious that she follows his gaze.
Mistletoe, she thinks.
"Mistletoe," he says.
She knows what's going to happen next even before he starts to lean in. He doesn't hesitate, assuming, as always, that she wants what he wants. But she does, she tells herself. She's wanted to kiss Nate since she was a little girl. And now they're starting to grow up, now it can be real. This is the fairytale first kiss she's always wanted.
He brushes his lips against her gently, then more firmly. It's a sweet kiss. Perfect. Everything with Nate is always perfect. And she likes perfect.
So why is she remembering her real first kiss, three years ago?
If Nate is her Prince Charming, then why, as he pulls back to smile at her, those blue eyes lit up, can she only think of popsicles, fireworks, the Fourth of July, and how Serena's lips tasted so much sweeter?
They're a couple. They've always been each other's but now they're officially boyfriend and girlfriend. The king and queen of seventh grade.
Everything is happening exactly as it should, exactly like she's always thought it would. Nate's always been hers. And Serena's? She wonders that sometimes, wonders why Nate is hers when they've all been friends for just as long. She wonders if Serena is hers too.
But Serena also has a boyfriend. Graham Hayes.
Blair doesn't like him.
They start high school. They're still friends, the three of them. Blair and Nate are still the perfect couple. Graham is a thing of the past. So are James, Andrew, and Brendon.
Serena doesn't seem to mind. It's the one thing that Blair doesn't understand and yet envies the most. How nothing fazes Serena. She just shakes it off and moves on. None of those boys really seemed to matter.
Blair wonders if she shook off their kiss the same way she shakes off her boyfriends.
Croissants and Audrey Hepburn. It's their tradition when either one of them is sick - the first being Serena's idea, the second Blair's. Obviously.
She's got both in hand when she arrives at Serena's apartment. But no one's home. In a careful act of balancing, she takes out her cell phone from her pocket and finds Lily van der Woodsen on her contact list.
"Hello?"
"Hi, it's Blair."
"Oh! Hello, darling, are you okay?"
"Yeah, I was just wondering if you knew where Serena is?"
"Blair-"
She continues talking, not noticing the surprise and sadness Lily manages to put into her name.
"She wasn't at school today so I thought she was sick but she's not home so-"
"Blair."
This time, she stops.
"I'm so sorry, darling, I can't believe... Serena didn't tell you?"
Blair learns what people are talking about when they write of someone's stomach "doing a nasty flip." She knows she's not going to like what she hears next. What Serena didn't tell her.
Serena's gone.
Blair doesn't understand. She curls up in her bed all alone and remembers all the sleepovers she's had with Serena, all the times they curled up in this bed together. Her best friend is gone. And she didn't even tell her she was leaving.
She didn't even say goodbye.
Blair cries until she doesn't think there's a drop of water left in her body. She licks her lip and they taste like salt. She remembers when they tasted like popsicles. Like Serena.
Nate's acting weird.
He's quiet and awkward - two things he's never been before. And she's known him for eleven years. She asks if he misses Serena. He mumbles something and changes the subject. She lets him.
She wonders if he misses Serena so much because he loves her. They've always been complicated, the three of them. But her and Nate are perfect. Nate loves her. He just misses Serena because she's his best friend too.
But she spends more time wondering who Serena misses more. If she even misses them at all.
Her dad is leaving her and her mom. To be someone else. A man.
He's her daddy but he seems like a stranger. And when he leaves, Blair doesn't know if the tears running down her face are because of how much she'll miss him or because she hates goodbyes. They remind her of the one she would have wanted about all others but never got.
She writes a letter to Serena, asking why she left, telling her how much she misses her.
She needs her best friend.
But she never mails the letter.
She's queen of the school, more than ever. Serena's departure left a hole and it's one that she's more than happy to fill. After all, they say that life goes on. There are still parties to attend, girls to boss around. And she does so with a new vigour, an energy that she throws into everything.
Everything fell apart when Serena left without even a goodbye.
But if she wants that perfect life she's been working at for so long, she needs to start to piece it all together then. Even if she doesn't how. Even if it's impossible.
What choice does she have?
She's known for a while that she's going to lose her virginity to Nate.
Just like she once "knew" that he would be her first kiss? Look how that turned out. But it's not the same, she tells herself. That was just a silly kiss. And this is special. They love each other. It makes sense. And she wants it.
But it doesn't happen.
There's no reason, no problem. It will happen. It just hasn't. Yet.
And then they're at the brunch.
And she hears it from Kati and Isabel.
Serena's back.
Once again, it's unexpected. Her stomach does that flip thing. She doesn't know what she hates more: the fact that Kati and Isabel knew before she did or the fact that Serena thinks she can just waltz back into the city as if nothing happened.
She won't admit even to herself how happy she felt when she first heard. The rest of the world aside, those two words "Serena's back" made her happier than she's been in a long, long time. But they shouldn't have.
So she drags Nate off into a bedroom, decides that she's going to lose her virginity to him now. To make her his. Or to make him hers? Serena proved that she isn't hers. She can't lose Nate too. She doesn't know why she's scared of "losing" him.
She doesn't even realize that what she's really scared of is how much it already hurts, having Serena back.
But Nate hears. He buttons his shirt back up and leaves the room to welcome Serena back.
Blair sits alone on the bed for a minute and she doesn't even know why she's starting to cry.
It's automatic, being a bit of a bitch to Serena. It hurts, but it's automatic. Self-preservation.
She knows what everyone else thinks - that she's worried about Serena stealing the spotlight, that she wants to stay queen, that life was better when she was the star and Serena was gone.
They're so wrong.
She hates her, though. She hates Serena for coming back and acting as if she did nothing wrong. She hates her for not even realizing what a mess she left behind when she left. What a mess she was. Is.
She hates her for not realizing how much she missed her, how much she needed her, because it means that Serena couldn't have missed her too.
She's always known that Serena doesn't need anyone, though.
"Blair, we need to talk."
She sniffs. It's such a cliché to say that. She opens her mouth but then she looks up and sees Nate's face and doesn't say anything after all. She just swallows.
"I mean... I need to tell you something."
Her stomach does that thing again, letting her know that she's not going to like what she's about to hear.
"I slept with Serena."
Of all the things she could tried to brace herself for... There's no hiding the shock and hurt on the face or the tears as they started to well up in her eyes.
"Blair, I'm so sorry-"
"Go away," she says quietly. So quietly she barely hears herself and Nate probably doesn't either.
"It was before she left, not now, not-"
"Go away," she repeats, stronger this time, her breathing starting to hitch in her throat and everything blurring and spinning and- No. No, this can't be happening. He can't be saying what he thinks she's saying. Before she left.
They both what that really means: Why she left.
Nate's still talking, trying to explain, trying to apologize but she doesn't want to hear it. There's no excuse, no explanation that will make any of this better.
"I said go away!" she finds herself shrieking, closing her eyes after and forcing herself to breathe deeply. "Please, Nate," she says quietly, almost begging. "Just... leave me alone."
And he leaves.
And she sits there on the couch, wrapping her arms tightly around her stomach, feeling nauseous but also feeling like she's been ripped into a thousand little pieces by the two people she ever trusted enough to allow so close. The two people with the power to hurt her. And they did. They ripped her apart and left her to hold herself together.
Before Serena left.
That was a year ago. Nate slept with Serena a year ago. Serena slept with Nate a year ago.
She should be crying because her boyfriend cheated on her. Because his first time was with Serena, not her.
But she knows that's not true. There's no way to deny anymore what she's been denying for so long. Since that kiss on the Fourth of July when they were nine years old. Maybe even longer. Since they were five years old and she saw her for the very first time.
Why else would she try so hard for everything to be perfect? The perfect boyfriend, the perfect life, the perfect her. Maybe because deep down, she's nowhere close to being perfect. She can't deny that anymore, just like she can't deny all the feelings stirred up by Nate's news.
Because if she's being honest with herself, she's not crying because her boyfriend cheated on her. She's not crying because his first time was with Serena, not her.
She's crying because Serena's first time was with him.
Not her.