(no subject)
i swear, i have no idea what im doing.
so, i went to vienna last week. and, overall, it was a very good week, despite the cold and christmas markets. but we didn't really talk about what happened before i came; i could have started that discussion a million times, but i didn't. i guess i was too weak. what i mean, and what i would have told him, is: its great when we're together. but that rarely happens. and if we are to look for a solution to that, there would be two: me leaving brussels to go to vienna, or he leaving vienna to go to brussels. i don't want to do the first one. thats something i know for sure now. and what i also know is that i don't want him to do the second one; or even more: i even doubt it'd lead to something good if he did. so, coming to that conclusion, where the hell are we going?
i really think i could be crazy about him if he was leaving here and was speaking my language. but im pretty sure i hold my feelings because of those barriers. i just can't. this is not gonna work.
and thats what i wanted to tell him, despite how great i was feeling in his arms. but he wouldn't have understood. and thats what i regret the most about us: we're not on the same wavelength at all when it comes to this. i wish he would come to that same conclusion, and we'd take the decision together. but here i know im the one who's gonna have to take that decision alone, and i hate it. its funny how everybody usually says that women are more irrational than men. well, in this specific case, its clearly the opposite.
and can you believe that next to those procrastinations, im after 3 other guys at the same time?? yes.
there's jean-louis, who's gonna take my cat at home while im in australia. we were in high school together, and never really were good or bad friends, we never actually cared about each other. he's maya's ex. and one month ago at satoko's birthday party, he showed an interest, and has been for the past weeks. i've seen him a few times. he's very nice. but he's jean-louis, and i shouldn't be interested by him.
there's Iouri, jean-louis's friend, who was at that same party, we had a good chat there, and after the party he told satoko that i was "fucking hot". we became friends on facebook, and interacted there. he was there said as "engaged", and i even met his girlfriend when we went to that show with jean-louis. 2 days later his status went to "single", and i asked him about that, he said that yeah, they had just broken up, and he wasn't in the best mood. i haven't heard from him since then. he's been keeping telling everybody how great i was though. but he ignores me on facebook. who knows. he's hot and very nice, and he's a russian. so, i like him a lot.
and there's jean-philippe, and thats a crazy story: i met that guy 2 years ago at my sister's wedding. he's a friend of my brother in law. we had drunkely danced the whole night long more or less together, but he waited the moment i was leaving to say a word to me. so, that didn't lead anywhere. my sister and brother in law teased me for MONTHS about that. he had told my sister how great i was. i more or less hadn't thought of that guy since then, when the other day i got an invite from him on facebook (oh, yeah, facebook, how great are you). and i was likle: how the hell did you find me? then again, he's got more then 100 friends there, and his page looks like all he does is that: collecting friends. but we've been exchanging messages. and its all friendly and stuff, but i guess i can't help flirting, and i can hint a little bit of flirting on his side too.
so, see. i don't know whats going on with me, im just all about boys at the moment, flirting with everyone of them, having a real boyfriend, but lacking some real serious here. not mentionning those texts i've been exchanging with that other guy...
i don't know. im not doing anything wrong. but its still wrong, the way i play with all of those guys, without knowing a fucking thing about what i want, and especially with markus thinking we're back in the tracks just because im too afraid to tell him i can't do that.
BLAH.
and, on top of that, all of a sudden, julie is back: sending emails, even inviting me for dinner at her home one of these days. you know, i really don't know if i want to start it all again. on one side, i miss her, and i miss spending time with her. but on the other hand, im only starting to recover from what happened last year AND from our 20 years unhealthy friendship; and i now see all the bad it had, and how im better off without it. so, here again: what do i want?
in other words: i really need to get in my plane for australia as quick as possible.
so, i went to vienna last week. and, overall, it was a very good week, despite the cold and christmas markets. but we didn't really talk about what happened before i came; i could have started that discussion a million times, but i didn't. i guess i was too weak. what i mean, and what i would have told him, is: its great when we're together. but that rarely happens. and if we are to look for a solution to that, there would be two: me leaving brussels to go to vienna, or he leaving vienna to go to brussels. i don't want to do the first one. thats something i know for sure now. and what i also know is that i don't want him to do the second one; or even more: i even doubt it'd lead to something good if he did. so, coming to that conclusion, where the hell are we going?
i really think i could be crazy about him if he was leaving here and was speaking my language. but im pretty sure i hold my feelings because of those barriers. i just can't. this is not gonna work.
and thats what i wanted to tell him, despite how great i was feeling in his arms. but he wouldn't have understood. and thats what i regret the most about us: we're not on the same wavelength at all when it comes to this. i wish he would come to that same conclusion, and we'd take the decision together. but here i know im the one who's gonna have to take that decision alone, and i hate it. its funny how everybody usually says that women are more irrational than men. well, in this specific case, its clearly the opposite.
and can you believe that next to those procrastinations, im after 3 other guys at the same time?? yes.
there's jean-louis, who's gonna take my cat at home while im in australia. we were in high school together, and never really were good or bad friends, we never actually cared about each other. he's maya's ex. and one month ago at satoko's birthday party, he showed an interest, and has been for the past weeks. i've seen him a few times. he's very nice. but he's jean-louis, and i shouldn't be interested by him.
there's Iouri, jean-louis's friend, who was at that same party, we had a good chat there, and after the party he told satoko that i was "fucking hot". we became friends on facebook, and interacted there. he was there said as "engaged", and i even met his girlfriend when we went to that show with jean-louis. 2 days later his status went to "single", and i asked him about that, he said that yeah, they had just broken up, and he wasn't in the best mood. i haven't heard from him since then. he's been keeping telling everybody how great i was though. but he ignores me on facebook. who knows. he's hot and very nice, and he's a russian. so, i like him a lot.
and there's jean-philippe, and thats a crazy story: i met that guy 2 years ago at my sister's wedding. he's a friend of my brother in law. we had drunkely danced the whole night long more or less together, but he waited the moment i was leaving to say a word to me. so, that didn't lead anywhere. my sister and brother in law teased me for MONTHS about that. he had told my sister how great i was. i more or less hadn't thought of that guy since then, when the other day i got an invite from him on facebook (oh, yeah, facebook, how great are you). and i was likle: how the hell did you find me? then again, he's got more then 100 friends there, and his page looks like all he does is that: collecting friends. but we've been exchanging messages. and its all friendly and stuff, but i guess i can't help flirting, and i can hint a little bit of flirting on his side too.
so, see. i don't know whats going on with me, im just all about boys at the moment, flirting with everyone of them, having a real boyfriend, but lacking some real serious here. not mentionning those texts i've been exchanging with that other guy...
i don't know. im not doing anything wrong. but its still wrong, the way i play with all of those guys, without knowing a fucking thing about what i want, and especially with markus thinking we're back in the tracks just because im too afraid to tell him i can't do that.
BLAH.
and, on top of that, all of a sudden, julie is back: sending emails, even inviting me for dinner at her home one of these days. you know, i really don't know if i want to start it all again. on one side, i miss her, and i miss spending time with her. but on the other hand, im only starting to recover from what happened last year AND from our 20 years unhealthy friendship; and i now see all the bad it had, and how im better off without it. so, here again: what do i want?
in other words: i really need to get in my plane for australia as quick as possible.