(no subject)
its a strange time again. another one of those "decisive" moments, a step to take, something to overcome. at least im the kind of person who, in these moments, keeps thinking that the "after" will be much much better. but otherwise, right now, it all sucks.
when i think of isa in spring 2006, and isa now, those are two very different persons. and i wish i had remained the spring 2006 one. i was confident and happy. i am full of doubts and blah. why? how? and when? who knows...
i have lost michael and julie, my two best friends who used to make me feel so good about myself, those persons who i had the most fun with, those persons who understood me the best, those persons i used to feel so comfortable with, more comfortable than with anyone else. i have lost them for good, that time is done, and really, for me, for isa, its a tragedy. because they were a part of me, a part of the confident isa. they made me alive and happy.
i also had the good idea to get involved into a long distance relationship again. which has its good moments, but overall, right now, im more feeling like it was a huge mistake, and what the hell did i have on my mind? i don't get how feelings work, how they come and go for no reason. at this moment, i feel nothing, or only boredom and tiredness. i fucking deserve to be happy with someone here next to me. there's that guy who's been coming onto me. he's nice, interesting, and lives in brussels. i keep thinking "it would so much easier". but then again, whats easyness? oh god... i feel like im gonna end up hurting someone again, and i hate myself for that. i also feel like i'll never be able to really love anybody. i don't even really know what is love.
im sick of my boss. i've reached that point where i just can't stand him anymore, and the more i reach that point, the more he gets annoying. for all kinds of reasons. the sad thing is that its making me question my job and if i really want to stay there forever, and otherwise what would i do, what kind of job would i want, would i even be able to find another job, etc. im so fucking confused again. everything used to be so clear until one year ago...
the only thing that keeps me going for now is australia. in two months already i'll be in sydney, travelling with emilie, and that is going to be heaven. i just can't wait, and i so really need that. i hope that trip will help me figuring out all those things in my life...
when i think of isa in spring 2006, and isa now, those are two very different persons. and i wish i had remained the spring 2006 one. i was confident and happy. i am full of doubts and blah. why? how? and when? who knows...
i have lost michael and julie, my two best friends who used to make me feel so good about myself, those persons who i had the most fun with, those persons who understood me the best, those persons i used to feel so comfortable with, more comfortable than with anyone else. i have lost them for good, that time is done, and really, for me, for isa, its a tragedy. because they were a part of me, a part of the confident isa. they made me alive and happy.
i also had the good idea to get involved into a long distance relationship again. which has its good moments, but overall, right now, im more feeling like it was a huge mistake, and what the hell did i have on my mind? i don't get how feelings work, how they come and go for no reason. at this moment, i feel nothing, or only boredom and tiredness. i fucking deserve to be happy with someone here next to me. there's that guy who's been coming onto me. he's nice, interesting, and lives in brussels. i keep thinking "it would so much easier". but then again, whats easyness? oh god... i feel like im gonna end up hurting someone again, and i hate myself for that. i also feel like i'll never be able to really love anybody. i don't even really know what is love.
im sick of my boss. i've reached that point where i just can't stand him anymore, and the more i reach that point, the more he gets annoying. for all kinds of reasons. the sad thing is that its making me question my job and if i really want to stay there forever, and otherwise what would i do, what kind of job would i want, would i even be able to find another job, etc. im so fucking confused again. everything used to be so clear until one year ago...
the only thing that keeps me going for now is australia. in two months already i'll be in sydney, travelling with emilie, and that is going to be heaven. i just can't wait, and i so really need that. i hope that trip will help me figuring out all those things in my life...