(no subject)
I feel weird typing this, as my updates are normally really lighthearted and happy and stuff, and I never really express that I'm really upset or hurt or whatever, because generally in life, I'm just the kind of person who has problems or is upset and keeps them quiet. I think I come across as the kind of person who is always happy and never lets things get to them, but my god, I'm just not. I try so hard to be like that though. I guess no-one really is, but it gets to me becuase I wish I was. In truth, EVERYTHING gets to me. I'm so easily hurt, so easily offended, so easily upset, and so vulnerable to pain. Its hard to explain, its as I got older, as I guess Richard came and I finally realised what it was like to share your pain and hurt with someone else, to really trust someone and know that they could make you feel much better about yourself. But sometimes that doesnt work. When youre alone, and theres no-one, who do turn to? I used to think I had loads of people like that, people who would always be there and people I could always tell. But I cant. I have soo much of a problem sharing things, which is why I think I'm going to regret this entry later on. I'm so private in so many ways. I have so many issues in trusting people, becuase, ultimatley I always do, and then, more often that not, I feel let down by them. When I try to explain something and I think they think I'm over-reacting or exaggerating (and maybe I am) I feel stupid about myself. I know that there are people in way more problems than me, and I understand that and I dont try to make myself out like some kind of victim, its just, I feel so alone. I feel so weird about things, I question everything. Its weird, I think that I'm sooo stupid and so chilish and "its all part of growing up", but, is it fuck. I feel like I'm losing my friends, I feel like I've lost my family, and I feel like I'm even losing myself, the way I used to be. My parents say I've changed, they say I've turned into a smart, cheeky, selfish person. And god, I can admit I have faults, but I DONT think I've changed at all, I think its them and its so frustrating. Its awful to live in a house where I cant stand my brother, and my dad. Me and my dad barely speak at all these days. Its so heartbreaking to say but I dont know him at all. Hes so tempramental and moody and has no time for me just my brother, which makes me feel so rejected and worthless. Me and my dad fight every day, and he calls me horrible, horrible names which I dont want to even type. And then I think I can trust my mum, but all she does is offer temporary solutions, like getting me to apologise for things I havent done to help the domestic situation, which it does, for like, half a day, and then it starts again. My mum, I love her but I dont respect her. And I HATE myself more for thinking these things. I just always feel stupid, like I've changed into a complete bitch, but I honestly, honestly dont, and if I have, I dont know what I was like before to change back. I wish I did.