What in the hell is wrong with me?
What in the hell is wrong with me? I have had writers block for ages, I can't get myself to sit down and write for nothing. I can't even write a shit poem, nothing absolutely nothing. Even with everything going in my head I can't write and usually when my head is all fucked up I can write a million miles a minute but now I just have all this shit in my head and I can't get it out, I can't release it.
I know this is just a bunch of retarded words put together to make on big rant and it is something no one will ever read, ever give a fuck to read, not that I blame you, fuck I don;t even want to read it but here I am writing it. Maybe, hopefully this will get me started, maybe this will have triggered something in my brain and I will have some big revelation tonight and stay up until the wee hours of the morning writing this long ass story or maybe finish one of the ones I have started already, ones that when I started writing them I was so excited about, so happy about and so damned proud of but now they are just sitting on my hard drive and in notebooks in pieces collecting dust.
My head is screaming, there is this loud annoying sound in my head just screaming, I can't get it to shut the fuck up I can;t get it to tone down for nothing, I know it is just me screaming because I can't just scream right now, I have been needing to scream, rant, rave, bitch, moan, complain for months and before I used to use my writing, my stories to help release this ginormous scream but they are gone, my writing is just fucking gone.
I feel like I have been in mourning for months, a loss of something I have never had a grasp on and the worst part is that I don't even know exactly what it is I have lost. Some people would say it was my confidence in myself, and that may be true. I have been reading a lot of stories on BDS_FIC and Flandus and I have read some stories by some amazingly talented writers, but I tell myself that this could not be true because I know that everyone had their own style of writing and mine is unique and as I write I grow and I find my style and It has not been set yet, the way I will write for the rest of my life. I just have not sound it yet so It could be a bit of a confidence thing, it could be a time thing, working nights and sleeping all day that could be it.
I used to write at night, it is when i do my best, alone, quiet, no chance of interruption, Just me and my music, tea and me typing until i can't feel my fingers,
I found this place called stereomood on the internet and they have a play list for writing I am gonna try to listen to that and write tonight I just really hope it works because i can not hold this scream in much longer.
My cutting has gotten worse.
My heart beat is getting harder, faster, more and more frantic, I am grinding my teeth until my jaw hurts and I just can't seem to get a good breath into my lungs. i just need to fucking write. I NEED it more than I need anything right now.
I just don't think I can hold on much longer, I can feel my resolve slipping faster and harder everyday. Maybe writing will help maybe it won't but I need it to work.
I know this is just a bunch of retarded words put together to make on big rant and it is something no one will ever read, ever give a fuck to read, not that I blame you, fuck I don;t even want to read it but here I am writing it. Maybe, hopefully this will get me started, maybe this will have triggered something in my brain and I will have some big revelation tonight and stay up until the wee hours of the morning writing this long ass story or maybe finish one of the ones I have started already, ones that when I started writing them I was so excited about, so happy about and so damned proud of but now they are just sitting on my hard drive and in notebooks in pieces collecting dust.
My head is screaming, there is this loud annoying sound in my head just screaming, I can't get it to shut the fuck up I can;t get it to tone down for nothing, I know it is just me screaming because I can't just scream right now, I have been needing to scream, rant, rave, bitch, moan, complain for months and before I used to use my writing, my stories to help release this ginormous scream but they are gone, my writing is just fucking gone.
I feel like I have been in mourning for months, a loss of something I have never had a grasp on and the worst part is that I don't even know exactly what it is I have lost. Some people would say it was my confidence in myself, and that may be true. I have been reading a lot of stories on BDS_FIC and Flandus and I have read some stories by some amazingly talented writers, but I tell myself that this could not be true because I know that everyone had their own style of writing and mine is unique and as I write I grow and I find my style and It has not been set yet, the way I will write for the rest of my life. I just have not sound it yet so It could be a bit of a confidence thing, it could be a time thing, working nights and sleeping all day that could be it.
I used to write at night, it is when i do my best, alone, quiet, no chance of interruption, Just me and my music, tea and me typing until i can't feel my fingers,
I found this place called stereomood on the internet and they have a play list for writing I am gonna try to listen to that and write tonight I just really hope it works because i can not hold this scream in much longer.
My cutting has gotten worse.
My heart beat is getting harder, faster, more and more frantic, I am grinding my teeth until my jaw hurts and I just can't seem to get a good breath into my lungs. i just need to fucking write. I NEED it more than I need anything right now.
I just don't think I can hold on much longer, I can feel my resolve slipping faster and harder everyday. Maybe writing will help maybe it won't but I need it to work.