You (Boondock Saints fic)
You
Author: is_mise_free
Rating: nc17
Warnings: Small amount of SelfInjury, Self Hatred, and angst.
Disclaimer: *Looks in Pants* Nope I dont have a huge dick, therefore I am not Troy Duffy and I sadly do not own anything in this story.
Note: I have never written like this before and it just popped in my head when I was taking a bath.
Summary: One of the twins cheat on the other and a month and a half later this is what happens. Can you Guess what Twin is which?
Feedback: Please, Please even a flame!
The sun is showing signs of going down and as you take your last drag off your smoke, you realize you have forgotten your reason for waking up this morning. Love? Don’t have anyone. Family? I make no difference with them. Friends? What the fuck are those?
You walk up the stairs that lead you to the room where you last saw him. The room where the love of your life decided life was just to fucking hard with you anymore. You see the door and remember slamming him against it trying to explain to him that it was only him that you loved not the faceless fuck that was in your bed moments before. Your hand slides down it’s frame almost in hopes of feeling his skin as you had at times before when he was there and you loved him and only him. It has been a month since he has walked out yet you can still feel him, hear his voice softly humming in the shower, smell the smoke lingering always in the air softly mixing with the scent of your love making. It has been months but still he remains here. You need him more now, now that your heart is sinking, drowning in the hurt and self hatred that you feel now, that has taken place of unconditional love.
You put on music but find that all of your cd’s are becoming old and annoying. The radio fucking sucks and you still have not figured out that fucking ipod you have had for two fucking years so you turn that off. He had given that to you for your 23rd birthday anyway, his smile flashes behind your closed lids, the feel of his fingers ghosting over your as he puts the dreaded musical device in your hand.
Maybe a movie but they all look irritating and not enough of an escape for you so you look over the titles in your so called fucking library of books and there is nothing there you find that can take you away long enough to forget that dull empty feeling in your stomach.
You think as you turn towards your room passing the bathroom at the same time maybe a tub filled with the hottest water you can stand will pull you away. So you turn on only the hottest water and stand there at the side of the tub and stare as the water comes flowing out of the spout. God you think this is torture it is taking so long to even reach a fucking centimeter of water so you pace back and forth in the small 3 by 3 bathroom for 6 minutes.
Turning to the hallway and entering the living room which is dark and cold and lonely but filled with memories of ohgodyes don’t stop. So beautiful baby, rushes you, tears at you when you brush along the wall you had pushed him against and purred those words in his ear. Your heart was so full that day now it is just so fucking empty.
You pace back to the bathroom, back to the living room, into the kitchen back to the bathroom but no difference in the water level so you pace some more and you pass the door that has small dents that no one else sees only you because you are the one that put them there God your hand is aching to make more dents that no one will ever notice because they don’t pay that much attention and than you pace to your room and pass the shelf of vhs movies that you bought at a pawn shop years ago that are old and worn and un recognizable but you know what one is which because you stare at them for hours at a time never seeing but always looking.
Behind said movies is your stash of knives and pills all of your old tools that you have not touched in months but can’t bare to throw away so they call to you now as you pace back and forth in front of them needing you to pick them up and wipe off the dust bring them back into the light no longer hiding behind movies and dust they call to you and you desperately want to answer. You suddenly forget why you even hid them back there why were they not in your drawer that they have been in for the past 12 fucking years but you hear the water and it sounds as if maybe there is some depth to it now.
Your mind is racing with so many things you cannot decipher anything; you can’t tell if you are worried numb or sad. You want to believe that you know what you are feeling at every second of every day but for days, you have not known what it is what you are truly feeling.
You strip fast and anger suddenly fuels you your shirt comes over your head so fucking fast that you can hear the fabric stretch and tear, your pants wont come off fast enough and suddenly a flash of hot hands stumbling over your sweat slicked skin burns in front of your eyes, something catches your eye to your left and you regret looking as soon as you turn just the slightest.
Staring back at you is someone you don’t recognize and you do recognize but the only thing running through your head is tear it to pieces, you want to hurt and shatter the person staring back at you the fire that once burned in their eyes has died and the dark rings under their eyes makes them look 20 years older than they really are. Their clothes look tight and uncomfortable, hair standing out at every direction and you think that poor soul having to live looking like that.
So you step out of your pants, than you step one foot in the hot steaming water it burns and brings air to loudly hiss through your teeth your foot automatically comes back without your permission and you stick it back in and almost jump into the water it burns your skin an angry red and you think that this is what a lobster must think when they get thrown into the boiling water . You lay back in the tub but it too small so you need to cross your legs in front of you and lay down.
All sound is shut out except for this loud overwhelming sound of breathing loudly in your ears a flash of another time of someone’s breath loud in your ears and a tear slips from your eye the waves in the water begin to match the rhythm of your heartbeats shallow as they are. Is that what all is left of you anymore just a shallow and lonely heart that does not remember the reason it still beats beneath your ribs. One thing repeats through your train of thought the warmth of his arms wrapping around you in the middle of the night his breath skimming across you skin kissing it with god I love you so much. You can still feel his breath on your skin cooling it in the dark corners at night and just than you can feel his fist meeting your jaw but the sting of fuck you barley escaping the lump in his throat… dear Jesus your heart burns and tears slip out of your eyes knowing that you had hurt the one person in life you were supposed to protect and love unconditionally.
You think maybe I should just let my head fall into the water and just drown myself isn’t it ironic in the years of your life the one thing you always said was that you would never want to die that way, by water it seems the worst way to die and now you are seriously thinking about it, about letting yourself just give up and drown. Pulling all his words to surround you, help fuel the guilt to ease the effort to drown yourself you let your mind remember all of the fuck you! I never want to see you ever again! Don’t fucking touch me you daft fucking cunt! You open your moth and sink lower to the bottom of the tub taking a deep breath as daft cunt echoes in your mind.
You can’t fucking do it, can’t allow the breath in your lungs be replaced by water but now all you can think is alone, forever. you can’t be that, so you race to the shelf of movies that are hiding your precious knives and pills you growl throwing them to the ground no longer caring about keeping the place up. A knife in your right hand you hold out your wrist and make a ragged angry line up to your elbow as you watch the blood flow I love you! Can’t you see that! Rings in your ears and your brain tries to place whenever he had ever said that in that tone but you don't remember.
I love you, a hand turns you to wrap you up in a towel, and you briefly wonder how you never heard him come in the room. iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou is being breathed against your ear as the blood flows into a puddle below. Careful hands take the knife from your grasp and a gentle kiss placed in your hair a hot tear falls into the cut on your arm. In your mind, the knife had cut to the bone showing muscle but now a better clearer look shows a cut that could use stitches but nothing more. You will not die, not now, now that his fingers a curling around a rag pressing it to your blood willing it to stop flowing.
You send a prayer to God that this is not some vivid dream, not some tease in a dream and you will wake up alone and shaking with a sob. A finger tilts your eyes to meet his and the tears seeping form the corners make your heart break again knowing that you made them flow once more. I forgive you, I love you, can’t live without you. Not one more day. He whispers between your lips as he kisses you.
You stand on the fire escape now staring at the moon as it breaks form behind the clouds. You take another hash drag of the cigarette nestled firmly between your fingers. An arm encircles around your waist and pulls your bare back against his bare chest pressing a small kiss to your hair. Your eyes close a small smile steals your lips before his other hand steals your cigarette and takes the last drag before flicking it down to the ground 5 stories below. Now your hand is free you take it and intertwine your fingers with his. He leads you back into your room and lays you down on the bed before lying with you. Now you now that everything is right, now it is as it should be, as it always will be. Him lying with you, no one else is to be in your bed but him. No one but him.