An entry from the old blog
2/1/2004
There are certain points in Life where your life hits a certain period of, well for want of a better word, equilibrium. Where you are neither estatically happy or moodily sad. It's just this great big in between. A limbo of emotions which escapes humanly conceived nomenclature. You go through the motions of everyday life and you experience a variety of moods found in the spectrum as an involuntary reflex because of the impulses your brain sends. But deep down inside, the locomotion comes to a gradual halt.
The internal desistance.
A phenomenon you only recognise when you can sit down and have time to yourself after engaging in the rituals of day-to-day living. It is sometimes surprising how many facets and faces a person can have. I refrain from using the word "masks" because of the derogatory connotations. No, this is a more neutral and generic object. There is a facet of ourselves for every occasion during the day. It arises out of necessity and courtesy. Otherwise, the mental institutions would be overun. And yet, beneath these "facets", simmers "The One True Self". A precious entity that defines a person. It is almost an ethereal essence, without physical form, that goes beyond the realm of metaphysics.Everybody has one and yet nobody has really "seen" one. It defies any attempt of a general definition.
In paradoxical manner, the internal disistance begins where the "One True Self" starts to wane, simply from the "equilibrium" of everyday-ness being struck. Time and habit kill a person's spirit slowly. Some days I approach the matter with my faith and other days I just reason. Rudyard Kipling once famously wrote, "East is East and West is West. And never the twain shall meet, Till earth and sky stand presently at God's great judgment seat." These lines contrast greatly with the dichotomy which exists so deeply within myself. The religious and the rational. The happiness and the sorrow. The fulfillment and the disatisfaction. The believer and the pragmatist. The screwball humourist and the serious thinker. I have my days of hope where anything is possible if I would only pray and I have my days where I am that Last Life in the Universe.