hmmm

[irresistablexxx]

ive been thinking... which happens a lot lately on account of this whole pneumonia deal... lol but yeah there seems to be a trend in people i date. as in every person i become involved with in some way or another, always seems to throw themselves into a relationship with some girl right after they date me. i dont know if its me or what. it probably is me. i am like the antichrist of relationships. boys run away from me and jump into the nearest and closest stable thing they can get themselves into. with this most recent boy, that makes 4. four boys who i date who have turned around and found some girl to make their long term happy couple girlfriend. and the past 3 boys are still with those girlfriends. well except one, who i think has had this on/off deal this year and everytime he and his gf are off, he calls me to see what im doing and wants to 'hang out' or 'go for coffee sometime'. i dont know what it is about me that does this to guys. i guess the whole 'i hate relationships' and 'i dont like boyfriends' 'i dont believe in monogamy' thing can scare people off. i dont know, personally i feel like i give a good deal. have fun, no strings, no commitment. you'd think it'd be every single person's dream. at this point i feel like a failure of some kind. and its funny, cause it only happens to the boys that i actually am kind of attracted to. i screw up, kind of i guess, and then something goes wrong and then they find some other girl, and boom in 2 weeks they're 'in a relationship' all of the sudden. but with the ones im not interested in, it never seems to happen that way. i just get bored, and it either phases out or continues and becomes complicated then get hurt in some way or another. why does it all have to be so complicated? what happened to the 'let's just have fun and feel it out' mentality? everyone says that that is what they are looking for, nothing complicated just something fun and simple. yet, when that sort of arrangement springs up, hesitation occurs and it never is simple. i guess its just silly of me to think that anything involving sex can be just simple and fun and uncomplicated. that's all that i am looking for. someone that i can have fun with, enjoy being with, but without all the complications and emotions that are involved - having space, air and breathing room. is that too much to ask? i guess it is.

i'm just a defect i guess. why is it so hard to be a girl. this sucks. especially when you lose a friend in the process.