the past year.. with a lot of missing parts.
January:
"New years eve actually turned out fun for me...
after my brother decided to ruin my night by convincing my mother that boston was way too dangerous to go to... he brought me up to NH, blasting rap! hahah, to his friend Jeremey's party... this consisted of being amazingly high, and playing beer pong (which i kick ass at).
I think the best part of the night was the connection I made with a really great guy... the first time a guy layed next to me and actually opened up to me... hehe"
February:
the village is the absolute WORST movie ever. seriously... worst.
I feel like im finally doing the right thing this time... wow.. thats new for me.. haha. hes wonderful.. and actually cares.. woooowww 2 for 1"
"I know what I feel.. and no one can change that.. not even me.. im letting myself live.. and where it goes now i have no idea... but i do have a feeling that it will be ok, and im hoping that it will be better than that."
March:
"back to you
it always comes around
back to you
I tried to forget you
I tried to stay away
But it's too late
over you
I'm never over
over you
there's something about you
It's just the way you move
the way you move me
i miss youuuuuu.... come love me???? "
"If everything is making me so happy.... Why am I so fucking miserable?...i need my bffe.."
April:
Ive been pretty sucky lately.. for a lot of reasons.. i dont really feel like getting into all of them.. my body image is really upsetting me... and its hard sometimes because i need to vent.. but no one understands what i mean and just gets really mad at me. I'm going about it the right way now though.. this diet is good for me.. and working out is definatly making me feel better.. but i get really upset at the diet because i feel tired alot and have to eat bland food that I dont like a lot.. but im getting use to it.
May:
-life is alright.. getting a car in a week.. FINALLY!!!!
-spending quality time with jenna makes my world.. except for when i leave and cant ever sleep right because i just miss her too much. I find myself getting really angry at people that constantly talk about how sad they are that they havent seen their boyfriend/girlfriend for 2 days.. all of them suck.
-i hate school.. so im not going there next year. I found a really good theraputic massage place for next year right in salem.. like a street away from my work.. it'll be amazing.
-I am so addicted to white chocolate mocha's from starbucks.. i dont know where they add the crack into it but im conviced its in there
August:
"please excuse me...
Ive been up since 2 in the morning and i havent been able to sleep yet.
Life just all fell apart at once.. and im trying so hard to keep happy and moving so i don't fall into its negativity."...
-tommorow I start at town pizza. Im really excited. Finally a place that respects me.
-I really like being by myself. Every day keeps getting better. Ive had more fun in the past week then in the past year.. and im loving it. I really like the feeling of new people. My favorite part has to be the rush you get when you hold hands for the first time. It makes me laugh thinking about it.. but I forgot about how nice such a little thing can be.
September:
Its quite entertaining to talk about.. really.. i can sit around and tell a whole table my life stories and make them laugh for hours...
In reality though.. its really not that funny. Its actually kind of sad sometimes.. i guess pathetic would be the word?
I had an epiphany last night if thats what you would call it? I said to myself "Self... what the fuck am I doing?"... and then for the first time in a while.. i cried in front of someone that doesn't even know me. not even just cried.. balled. shook... acted like an idiot. Its okay though because I really shouldn't be hanging out with them anymore anyways.. hopefully i scared them away.
I hate the fact that it takes me that long to realize what im doing to myself. Just trying to fill that empty hole with something.. anything.
Actually I know what ive been doing the whole time.. ive just been ignoring it...
speaking of boys. There is this boy that is the cutest boy ever. these are the reasons...
-He listens to all of my bullshit and actually cares. Even when im saying the stupidest shit ever that even kristina just pretends she's listening to.. he still sits there and acts interested.
-He takes me out to late night movies and when i get scared he kisses my forehead.
-He falls asleep with me.. even though he wakes up freezing cold with no blankets or space.
-He wears ripped jeans.
-He's HILARIOUS
-He sleeps in the same bed as me and kristina at the same time in the "scoop (HAHA)" and listens to all of kristina's boyfriend stories.. then proceeds to tell her shes a good girlfriend and gives her boy advice.
-He comes into my work every day and sits and waits for me to be able to talk.. lisening to my Boss's lectures on the world for an hour.. just for a 5 min. conversation.
...I have a boooyyyfrrriieennnddd :-). I've been giddy for 3 days.. and not once have i had the thought of pushing him away... very good start. He's gentle and slow with me and isn't smothering.. its very nice. I feel very vulnerable though.. I'm scared to fall for him like I already am... I don't think my body can take another heart-break like the last. I tell myself to shut up a lot. lol.
October:
"Not one time did I insult you. Not one time did i take away your right to feel, and disregard something that happened in your life that I had completely no information about except for hear-say..then have the audacity to try and use it against you. Not one time did I take away your right to be called a woman."
wow.. its kind of funny to look at the past year of posts.. but its weird because i really didnt update too much on some important things. hmmm?..
Its really ironic that my life is back to january of last year. weirrdddd...
♥
"New years eve actually turned out fun for me...
after my brother decided to ruin my night by convincing my mother that boston was way too dangerous to go to... he brought me up to NH, blasting rap! hahah, to his friend Jeremey's party... this consisted of being amazingly high, and playing beer pong (which i kick ass at).
I think the best part of the night was the connection I made with a really great guy... the first time a guy layed next to me and actually opened up to me... hehe"
February:
the village is the absolute WORST movie ever. seriously... worst.
I feel like im finally doing the right thing this time... wow.. thats new for me.. haha. hes wonderful.. and actually cares.. woooowww 2 for 1"
"I know what I feel.. and no one can change that.. not even me.. im letting myself live.. and where it goes now i have no idea... but i do have a feeling that it will be ok, and im hoping that it will be better than that."
March:
"back to you
it always comes around
back to you
I tried to forget you
I tried to stay away
But it's too late
over you
I'm never over
over you
there's something about you
It's just the way you move
the way you move me
i miss youuuuuu.... come love me???? "
"If everything is making me so happy.... Why am I so fucking miserable?...i need my bffe.."
April:
Ive been pretty sucky lately.. for a lot of reasons.. i dont really feel like getting into all of them.. my body image is really upsetting me... and its hard sometimes because i need to vent.. but no one understands what i mean and just gets really mad at me. I'm going about it the right way now though.. this diet is good for me.. and working out is definatly making me feel better.. but i get really upset at the diet because i feel tired alot and have to eat bland food that I dont like a lot.. but im getting use to it.
May:
-life is alright.. getting a car in a week.. FINALLY!!!!
-spending quality time with jenna makes my world.. except for when i leave and cant ever sleep right because i just miss her too much. I find myself getting really angry at people that constantly talk about how sad they are that they havent seen their boyfriend/girlfriend for 2 days.. all of them suck.
-i hate school.. so im not going there next year. I found a really good theraputic massage place for next year right in salem.. like a street away from my work.. it'll be amazing.
-I am so addicted to white chocolate mocha's from starbucks.. i dont know where they add the crack into it but im conviced its in there
August:
"please excuse me...
Ive been up since 2 in the morning and i havent been able to sleep yet.
Life just all fell apart at once.. and im trying so hard to keep happy and moving so i don't fall into its negativity."...
-tommorow I start at town pizza. Im really excited. Finally a place that respects me.
-I really like being by myself. Every day keeps getting better. Ive had more fun in the past week then in the past year.. and im loving it. I really like the feeling of new people. My favorite part has to be the rush you get when you hold hands for the first time. It makes me laugh thinking about it.. but I forgot about how nice such a little thing can be.
September:
Its quite entertaining to talk about.. really.. i can sit around and tell a whole table my life stories and make them laugh for hours...
In reality though.. its really not that funny. Its actually kind of sad sometimes.. i guess pathetic would be the word?
I had an epiphany last night if thats what you would call it? I said to myself "Self... what the fuck am I doing?"... and then for the first time in a while.. i cried in front of someone that doesn't even know me. not even just cried.. balled. shook... acted like an idiot. Its okay though because I really shouldn't be hanging out with them anymore anyways.. hopefully i scared them away.
I hate the fact that it takes me that long to realize what im doing to myself. Just trying to fill that empty hole with something.. anything.
Actually I know what ive been doing the whole time.. ive just been ignoring it...
speaking of boys. There is this boy that is the cutest boy ever. these are the reasons...
-He listens to all of my bullshit and actually cares. Even when im saying the stupidest shit ever that even kristina just pretends she's listening to.. he still sits there and acts interested.
-He takes me out to late night movies and when i get scared he kisses my forehead.
-He falls asleep with me.. even though he wakes up freezing cold with no blankets or space.
-He wears ripped jeans.
-He's HILARIOUS
-He sleeps in the same bed as me and kristina at the same time in the "scoop (HAHA)" and listens to all of kristina's boyfriend stories.. then proceeds to tell her shes a good girlfriend and gives her boy advice.
-He comes into my work every day and sits and waits for me to be able to talk.. lisening to my Boss's lectures on the world for an hour.. just for a 5 min. conversation.
...I have a boooyyyfrrriieennnddd :-). I've been giddy for 3 days.. and not once have i had the thought of pushing him away... very good start. He's gentle and slow with me and isn't smothering.. its very nice. I feel very vulnerable though.. I'm scared to fall for him like I already am... I don't think my body can take another heart-break like the last. I tell myself to shut up a lot. lol.
October:
"Not one time did I insult you. Not one time did i take away your right to feel, and disregard something that happened in your life that I had completely no information about except for hear-say..then have the audacity to try and use it against you. Not one time did I take away your right to be called a woman."
wow.. its kind of funny to look at the past year of posts.. but its weird because i really didnt update too much on some important things. hmmm?..
Its really ironic that my life is back to january of last year. weirrdddd...
♥