I'm not as jerky as you think I am
The userpic for this entry is important. No, really, it's something I wish I could say to EVERYONE I interact with and make them listen. "Before you talk to me, I should warn you: I am kind of strange." (copyright xkcd.com)
I admit that I'm scary intelligent. I never finished college out of lack of ambition, not lack of ability. I know that I can write eloquently. I know that for the most part I come across as friendly, caring, personable, bubbly, bright, and gods forbid, sometimes even *perky*, in personal interactions.
What Generic!Person doesn't see, however, is the years of drama classes I took to be able to present the correct facial expressions and body language to convey that attitude. What they don't see when reading my fanfic is the hours I spend struggling to word things just so to convey the picture in my head.
What GP doesn't grok is that when I'm having a chatty conversation or typing out a quick reply on Facebook is that I actually SUCK at communication. It's HARD for me. It's the single most difficult thing in the world - figuring out which words, said in which way, what mannerisms are needed, to convey what I mean. And I can't always do it on the fly.
So when I ask on a large FB group for a recommendation for a type of product, and the first one offered is more expensive than I want to pay, and I reply with, "And for those of us who can't spend $20 on a single half-ounce bottle of anything, let alone something we use for every single manicure? ^_^"
I added the frickin' emoticon! They're supposed to convey tone of voice over text, right? Well, that was meant to convey a light-hearted, joking tone of voice! But I got told I didn't have to be so snarky, and another person called me a jerk.
It wouldn't have been a big deal, except that I deal with this every day, it feels like. And it was one too many straws yesterday and I just broke down crying. It makes me feel like interacting with people isn't worth the effort, isn't worth the struggle, no one wants to hear my opinions anyway, so why do I bother. Just read, get the information I want, and go away. I have Real Friends - sometimes I'm amazed at how many of them I have gathered over the last ten years, that I need more than one hand to count them!! - and I should just stick with them only and only talk to people who understand that if they think I'm being rude, they should tell me they took it that way and let me tell them whether I meant it that way or not. My Real Friends know that it's more hurtful to me to let something I said slide without telling me it hurt their feelings than it is to just *say* something and give me the chance to apologize.
But for now, I'm hermitizing again. Fuck the world and the horse they rode in on. I'll keep my precious thoughts to myself for a while. GPs are not worth the effort it takes me to translate my thoughts into language they can understand.
I admit that I'm scary intelligent. I never finished college out of lack of ambition, not lack of ability. I know that I can write eloquently. I know that for the most part I come across as friendly, caring, personable, bubbly, bright, and gods forbid, sometimes even *perky*, in personal interactions.
What Generic!Person doesn't see, however, is the years of drama classes I took to be able to present the correct facial expressions and body language to convey that attitude. What they don't see when reading my fanfic is the hours I spend struggling to word things just so to convey the picture in my head.
What GP doesn't grok is that when I'm having a chatty conversation or typing out a quick reply on Facebook is that I actually SUCK at communication. It's HARD for me. It's the single most difficult thing in the world - figuring out which words, said in which way, what mannerisms are needed, to convey what I mean. And I can't always do it on the fly.
So when I ask on a large FB group for a recommendation for a type of product, and the first one offered is more expensive than I want to pay, and I reply with, "And for those of us who can't spend $20 on a single half-ounce bottle of anything, let alone something we use for every single manicure? ^_^"
I added the frickin' emoticon! They're supposed to convey tone of voice over text, right? Well, that was meant to convey a light-hearted, joking tone of voice! But I got told I didn't have to be so snarky, and another person called me a jerk.
It wouldn't have been a big deal, except that I deal with this every day, it feels like. And it was one too many straws yesterday and I just broke down crying. It makes me feel like interacting with people isn't worth the effort, isn't worth the struggle, no one wants to hear my opinions anyway, so why do I bother. Just read, get the information I want, and go away. I have Real Friends - sometimes I'm amazed at how many of them I have gathered over the last ten years, that I need more than one hand to count them!! - and I should just stick with them only and only talk to people who understand that if they think I'm being rude, they should tell me they took it that way and let me tell them whether I meant it that way or not. My Real Friends know that it's more hurtful to me to let something I said slide without telling me it hurt their feelings than it is to just *say* something and give me the chance to apologize.
But for now, I'm hermitizing again. Fuck the world and the horse they rode in on. I'll keep my precious thoughts to myself for a while. GPs are not worth the effort it takes me to translate my thoughts into language they can understand.