Triumphant!
Please note - I tried to post this back on the 14th and LJ was being extremely uncooperative, so this is backdated to the day it was meant for...
Today is a personal victory for me that really, really needs to be in my journal, even one which I rarely use.
(Those of you who liked my nail art are checking out my nail art blog, right? It's http://iroshishobby.blogspot.com Let me know if you want me to update here with a link over there when I do new manicures, otherwise I'm only putting them there and on my pinterest board - http://pinterest.com/iroshi/my-own-nails/)
On to the awesomeness which is today! I've been fighting panic attack/anti-people feelings for nearly two weeks now. First was my standard PMS, but I had a scheduled day off that week because Chris had errands to run, so I couldn't do my leave-me-alone-and-hide day, I had to be a Parent because I was the only one home with the kids. So that one doesn't count even if I wasn't at work. Then I had LOTS of stuff to do at work because when I'm fighting anxiety I procrastinate worse than normal. I haven't gotten terribly behind, but I'm a day or two behind my normal rotating schedule and I can't let it go a day because then I'll get *totally* overloaded. And then I had a board meeting on Monday this week (another reason I couldn't take a day off last week because I had last-minute stuff crop up each day that I had to deal with for some reason, most months meetings don't cause me that much headache) and Tuesday I had to process the paperwork from *that* and I've had this anxiety over my head because the Radiation Safety Committee meeting got rescheduled this week...to one of two times, and we didn't know which due to not knowing when inspectors would complete their inspection which was the point of the meeting, but I had to book rooms for both dates...and then the head of my department says he has appointments at both of those times, so tell his secretary as soon as we know which one so she'll know which appointment to cancel so he can go to this important meeting...which means I now am anxious about when will I be able to tell big boss man which appointment he has to cancel, and this should be told him literally as soon as I know because it's just rude to cancel appointments at the last minute...
None of which is actually my *responsibility*, as I'm literally just coordinating between people for this, but it makes me extremely ANXIOUS. Having things up in the air is literally a recipe for freaking out Ro.
But I caught up a lot of the backlog on my desk yesterday. (I was friggin *productive*!) And I told Chris last night not to be too surprised if I called in tomorrow (now today) because my anxiety levels had been building for over a week and since I knew ahead of time I couldn't take off Thursday or Friday, that I'd probably not be able to pull myself in to work today, on this one day I could afford to not be here.
BUT I woke up today...and was actually well rested, didn't feel like hiding from the world, and started planning what to wear to work before it dawned on me that I was *expecting* to have to hide from the world today!
I...I actually pushed through an anxiety phase without succumbing to it??? I DID IT!?!
This is literally a first, in my life. I've gotten through depressive phases, sure. I go up and down, it's the nature of ADHD. But I've literally *never* pushed through an anxiety phase and come out the other side without at least a half-day of total break down, hide from the world!
I checked my emails - the last time I "called" in sick was February 22, which was a migraine, not a panic attack. The last panic attack I stayed home from work for was February 8. Over a month ago!
::doing the happy dance in my head::
I am so friggin' proud of myself here. You just don't know how this feels unless you have to deal with it yourself. I've had times where I only had one anxiety period a month, and even had a few months, since starting the Adderall, where I didn't have any anxiety build enough to cause me to take off work. But this is the first time in my life where the anxiety was high up there, big enough that I knew it was going to blow and I was just trying to find the least-obstructive day in which to let it blow...and I made it *through* it. Usually when I try to push through anxiety (because of course I've tried dozens of times!) it drops the floor out from under me at *the* most inconvenient time, which is why I try to schedule them before that happens.
It was a sucky two weeks, to be sure. And I know I'll still have the temptation of knowing that if I just take a day off when it starts building and hide from the world for a while, it tends to short circuit the building anxiety and gets it over with. But knowing that I *can* push through it will encourage me to do so more often, and maybe I can learn coping techniques to get me through the sucky part. I've certainly learned enough coping techniques to get me through the downside phases of my ADHD over the years. I'm sure I can manage this too.
YAY, GO ME!!
Today is a personal victory for me that really, really needs to be in my journal, even one which I rarely use.
(Those of you who liked my nail art are checking out my nail art blog, right? It's http://iroshishobby.blogspot.com Let me know if you want me to update here with a link over there when I do new manicures, otherwise I'm only putting them there and on my pinterest board - http://pinterest.com/iroshi/my-own-nails/)
On to the awesomeness which is today! I've been fighting panic attack/anti-people feelings for nearly two weeks now. First was my standard PMS, but I had a scheduled day off that week because Chris had errands to run, so I couldn't do my leave-me-alone-and-hide day, I had to be a Parent because I was the only one home with the kids. So that one doesn't count even if I wasn't at work. Then I had LOTS of stuff to do at work because when I'm fighting anxiety I procrastinate worse than normal. I haven't gotten terribly behind, but I'm a day or two behind my normal rotating schedule and I can't let it go a day because then I'll get *totally* overloaded. And then I had a board meeting on Monday this week (another reason I couldn't take a day off last week because I had last-minute stuff crop up each day that I had to deal with for some reason, most months meetings don't cause me that much headache) and Tuesday I had to process the paperwork from *that* and I've had this anxiety over my head because the Radiation Safety Committee meeting got rescheduled this week...to one of two times, and we didn't know which due to not knowing when inspectors would complete their inspection which was the point of the meeting, but I had to book rooms for both dates...and then the head of my department says he has appointments at both of those times, so tell his secretary as soon as we know which one so she'll know which appointment to cancel so he can go to this important meeting...which means I now am anxious about when will I be able to tell big boss man which appointment he has to cancel, and this should be told him literally as soon as I know because it's just rude to cancel appointments at the last minute...
None of which is actually my *responsibility*, as I'm literally just coordinating between people for this, but it makes me extremely ANXIOUS. Having things up in the air is literally a recipe for freaking out Ro.
But I caught up a lot of the backlog on my desk yesterday. (I was friggin *productive*!) And I told Chris last night not to be too surprised if I called in tomorrow (now today) because my anxiety levels had been building for over a week and since I knew ahead of time I couldn't take off Thursday or Friday, that I'd probably not be able to pull myself in to work today, on this one day I could afford to not be here.
BUT I woke up today...and was actually well rested, didn't feel like hiding from the world, and started planning what to wear to work before it dawned on me that I was *expecting* to have to hide from the world today!
I...I actually pushed through an anxiety phase without succumbing to it??? I DID IT!?!
This is literally a first, in my life. I've gotten through depressive phases, sure. I go up and down, it's the nature of ADHD. But I've literally *never* pushed through an anxiety phase and come out the other side without at least a half-day of total break down, hide from the world!
I checked my emails - the last time I "called" in sick was February 22, which was a migraine, not a panic attack. The last panic attack I stayed home from work for was February 8. Over a month ago!
::doing the happy dance in my head::
I am so friggin' proud of myself here. You just don't know how this feels unless you have to deal with it yourself. I've had times where I only had one anxiety period a month, and even had a few months, since starting the Adderall, where I didn't have any anxiety build enough to cause me to take off work. But this is the first time in my life where the anxiety was high up there, big enough that I knew it was going to blow and I was just trying to find the least-obstructive day in which to let it blow...and I made it *through* it. Usually when I try to push through anxiety (because of course I've tried dozens of times!) it drops the floor out from under me at *the* most inconvenient time, which is why I try to schedule them before that happens.
It was a sucky two weeks, to be sure. And I know I'll still have the temptation of knowing that if I just take a day off when it starts building and hide from the world for a while, it tends to short circuit the building anxiety and gets it over with. But knowing that I *can* push through it will encourage me to do so more often, and maybe I can learn coping techniques to get me through the sucky part. I've certainly learned enough coping techniques to get me through the downside phases of my ADHD over the years. I'm sure I can manage this too.
YAY, GO ME!!