The Bemis Junior High No-Talent Show
Well, I now have confidence that Bemis has NO talent at all. Here's why:
The opening act of JJ and his "band" made me want to shoot somebody's nuts off. My god. NO BASS. What the hell are you thinking?! Wait, let me guess, NOTHING. JJ was a stage hog and it looked like he was having a seziure on the guitar, the rhythm guitar had no rhythm, and the drums were off by 1 and a half beats. I've heard farts that sounded more melodious than this.
4 out of 10. F
Ben May was up next with his unicycle of death...and just like that he's done.
2 out of 10 F
Nicole Zablonski went up and sang the song we all love so much, "My Heart Will Go On". It wasn't bad...but it wasn't good. I think one of my ear drums burst. Somebody get me a cotton ball! I wanted to kill her because she sucked so bad. BURN!
5 out of 10 F
Briana with a long unnecessary last name did some ballet. She sucked fat balls. Nobody cares about ballet any more. I did give her some extra points for possibly ripping her clit. Did you see that leg lift? Holy shit.
4 out of 10 (+1 for Ouch points) = 5 out of 10 Still an F
Tori Cadle...wow. What the fuck mate? Some stupid monologue telling her audience what to do. Don't tell me what to do bitch. This made no sense. She had no microphone, a wannabe afro, and there was no actual play. Sorry, but we weren't laughing with you.
1 out of 10 F-
Michelle Serwick wasn't very good. 4 out of 10
Oh god...Luke Oliveto. Listen freak, the government may suck, but it's not funny. You made part of me die inside. A 30 second routine isn't worth shit. Get off stage and take your little butt buddy George with you.
0 out of 10 Quadruple F- (See me after class)
Alex Berezik commited the mortal sin of manhood and wore pink. He played some piano thing blah blah blah blah blah.
8 out of 10 (-2 for wearing pink) = 6 out of 10 D-
Krystal Trefla sang "Nobody". She was the first satisfactory act of the night. She sang her song and hit some of the notes, but what got her lots of bonus points is her ability to sing with an OFF BEAT AUDIENCE. Apparently nobody in this school knows how to keep a beat and should all go to hell. God we suck.
6 out of 10 (+2 for singing with an off-beat audience) = 8 out of 10 B-
Brandy Debeneded..be..ti..ded..be..whatever. Whoa! PG-13! This is a PG event young lady! Brandy did the most sexual dance that a lot of you nerds will ever see in your lives. The Carwash dance will always be ingrained in my mind as one of the scariest events of my life. Wow, you're talented...pff.
7 out of 10 (-1 for dancing to rap) = 6 out of 10 D-
Talia Greelewski sang "Believe"...nothing new, just some more suck. Slow songs aren't fun, I damn near fell asleep. Guess what grade she got.
3 out of 10 F...again.
The Slut Patrol did a cheer for us. They immediately lost all 10 points for being slutty. DJ and Matt wanted to give them a few extra points for being hot. So when the torture was finally over, Matt said "Plus 3 points for being hot." One of their moms was sitting in front of us. Hilarity ensues.
0 out of 10 (+3 for being "hot") = 3 out of 10 F...again again.
And the winners of the Bemis Junior High No-Talent Show are...
THE ANNOUNCERS! with a massive score of 9 out of 10 (-1 point for Dan's microphone not working)
They were followed closely by the stage crew who got an 8.1 out of 10.
That's it, so now you know. Our school sucks at everything except sucking. We rock at that.