Crazy Candi part Deux
So, as I was saying...
well, I broke this up, because I feel like having too much content allows the brain to wander and big, fat paragraphs scare some folks off of reading and into the shallow world of skimming. Skimming = bad...so there.
Ok, so Crazy Candi's first couple advances towards me were rather mundane and consisted of trying to dragoon me into becoming an insurance ho to her insurance pimp.And also, she seemed to be impressed with my walking every day and kept telling me to "come on by and let her know the next time I was going on a walk and she could join me"...and this was easy to say "sure" to, cause, like I would only see her every few days and I could totally pretend it was a fluke that she was out at the same time as I was out walking! what a coincidence! (come on now, what movie's that from? I could tell you, but where would be the fun in that?).
But alright, she started getting a little more pushy with this whole thing and I am like, "dude! I have to get walking here to lose some weight, yo!" and she is all, "hey there, I'm nuts, let's have a sit-down about insurance rates and mortality for middle class blah blah blah and you sellin' it!" and I started getting seriously creeped out every time I went past her place because I worried she would be watching from her blinded windows and come and attack me with insurance quotes and numerous requests to join her on the Dark Side and sell insurance as her little insurance bitch.
Then, for a blessed while, it was all nice and quiet on that corner. It was a good chunk of months there, actually. I was permitted to go on in my head-down way, enjoying nature and making the barest of eye contact with other humans and letting dogs sniff my hands and watching hummingbirds and snapping pictures of the weird-ass things I see every so often in my neighborhood. And then, she reappeared!
Ok, Candi has this funky little dog that I can't place the breed but to me he looks like a grey, little pig dog. He must be a chihuahua something mix...But seriously, he looks like a skinny, little, grey pig-dog...and very naked. This dog's got his balls dangling out, which I find obscene and like she should totally "fix" that. But whatever. So, I go on my walks and Candi starts reappearing in my life and I kind of just grit my teeth and bear it...the spaced out eyes, the continued asking about selling insurance, prying into my life and what I'm up to and asking whether or not I am going to get some "skinny jeans" to complement my loss of weight...er. All the while holding the leash of her nutsy little dog, who barks his head off at everything and everyone and tries to make a run for it every chance he gets. Bleh. My mind screams, "escape escape!" every time I see this person.
Big Candi event number 2:
So, as I am hanging up the phone on Burka Bee, preparing for her upcoming visit, and stuffing a banana into my mouth, I look out my housewife (gossip hole) kitchen window and LO! what do I see? Candi's ugly little dog running off leash around the opposite neighbor's lush rock garden. I whisper to myself (as I duck down, afraid Candi is not far behind) between bites of banana, "what the fuck are you doing here, little...um...Bernard? Brutus? Bruno? whatever" and watch him proceed to pee on everything he can sniff. I stay crouched, waiting for the inevitable Candi to walk up behind him at some point, but minutes pass and I start to get suspicious. I go to the front door and peek out the window and see no one on the street. This little pig-dog is all alone and person-less! Well, it's not his fault his person is a nutjob so I go outside to see what's up with the dog. He sees me, cocks his head and trots a little ways off to pee on some more ornamental neighbor plants. I pat my knee and whistle at him, saying, "Come here..er...Brutus...or Bruno or whatever your name is! Your mommy's gonna be pissed! Come here little ugly pig-dog" But for some reason, he does not come. He just stands there cocking his ears at me and sidling off, looking alternately wary and mischievous. well, I am all about responsibility and stuff, so I decide to go up to Candi's house and let her know her ugly little dog is running around 2 blocks from her house off-leash. I take a quick walk up there and see her car in the drive and it actually gives me pause...like...maybe I shouldn't go knock on the door cause she will try to sell me insurance or make me sell insurance or something irritating like that. But I soldier on! "knock knock knock" I go and no answer. I try again and no answer. So I go home and try to coax ugly pig-dog again and he just laughs and runs off to pee on some palm-type plants. Now here, unfortunately, my story gets more involved. Candi, at some point during one of her monologues on the benefits of life insurance and how she needs (hos) help selling it, stuffed a business card in my pocket in case anyone I met would like to procure some life insurance at.that.moment. and I could help them out with her info. I kept the card (because I keep most everything) thinking it would be good to know her info in case I needed to ever call the cops on her (thinking ahead, you know). I seriously debated on using this card...like, If I call her up, she has my number in her phone forever and I will lose a bit more of my soul to her...if I don't call her up, that poor little ugly pig-dog will be without an owner and it's not his fault about all this...but if I call her up, I will have to speak directly to her...but if I don't then...bleh. I finished this internal dialogue with "well, she gave me her phone number, so if she is normal, it will be ok that I give my phone number" (By the way, she is NOT normal...). So I call the Crazy up. And the Crazy answers! And I am all, (now this is literally what I said) "Hi! I'm that Jessica girl who is always walking past your house every day? Yeah. Your little dog is, like, running around a few blocks from your house. I don't know if you let him just run around, but I haven't ever seen him off his leash, so I thought you should know" and she is all "ooooooooh! HI! Jessica! Oh! Bruno?! OH! Where is he?" and I give her the cross street where I espied him last and she lets me know she is on her way! I give myself a metaphorical pat on the back, all proud at my humanity and greatness of heart at helping a neighbor retrieve her ugly little pig-dog and then as I am about to press End on my phone, I hear her ask me to meet her and let her know where I saw him last. Crap!
I go outside and see her rounding the corner and I can't pretend that the house behind me is anything other than my house, since she sees me exiting it. Crap! "That your house?" she asks, obviously...I run quickly down the stairs and to the intersection "Yup, that's me" and move on towards where I last saw ugly pig-dog. She goes on about how naughty Bruno is and blah blah blah and "Thank you so much, neighbor, you're a great friend, blah blah blah" and I am like, "Why is he running around here anyway?" and she says, all mystified, "Well! I don't know! I locked him in the backyard but he must have escaped it!" and I am all, nonplussed, "Yeah, he must have escaped it." Duh. He hasn't gone far, what with the rampant need to pee on every plant or fixture he sees. We catch him another block and a half up, carefully inspecting some foliage in need of pig-dog urine. "Bruno!" she screams in this harpy-esque voice, "Bruno! Get back here!" and the dog, first smart thing I've seen him do, runs off in the other direction, grey pig-ears flapping in the wind. She doesn't run after him, she strolls. She tells me, instead, about how the doctor had just told her she has arthritis and how she blah blah blah (about one sentence into Candi's speeches, my brain turns to flight-mode and searches out all immediate exits and escapes, so I generally miss the meat of her soliloquies). As we slowly walk on, a concerned neighbor and her grandson look worriedly at us, asking if we are looking for a little dog. Candi is all about telling me of her arthritis and insurance or something, and does not pay attention. "Yes!" I call to the neighbor lady, "Which way did it go?" She points down another block and says something about good luck, but I am already hustling Candi down the street to get her frakking dog. At this point we see him again and I tell her that I have things to be done at home and she says Bruno looks like he is on his way back to her house anyway and "thank you neighbor, you're such a good friend" again stuff. Bleh..Also, this lady's really huggy...gross. So she hugs me a few times with me admonishing her to get the hell over to her stupid dog and like, chain him the frak up! cause he's obviously slippery and can get out of locked yards and such.
I figure...ordeal; dealt with! Then I get a text message...A TEXT MESSAGE! ON MY PHONE! from unknown number saying "Thank you, you're a great neighbor, Love you, C" I see this and match the number to the one I dialed to let Candi know about her dumb little dog and I freak out...feeling another bit of my soul dissolve into this woman's creepy clutches. I seriously considered changing my phone number right then and there. Also? Who the frak writes, "Love You" on a text message when they aren't an actual loved one? ew! That's just super freaking weird and disturbing.
end part deux
well, I broke this up, because I feel like having too much content allows the brain to wander and big, fat paragraphs scare some folks off of reading and into the shallow world of skimming. Skimming = bad...so there.
Ok, so Crazy Candi's first couple advances towards me were rather mundane and consisted of trying to dragoon me into becoming an insurance ho to her insurance pimp.And also, she seemed to be impressed with my walking every day and kept telling me to "come on by and let her know the next time I was going on a walk and she could join me"...and this was easy to say "sure" to, cause, like I would only see her every few days and I could totally pretend it was a fluke that she was out at the same time as I was out walking! what a coincidence! (come on now, what movie's that from? I could tell you, but where would be the fun in that?).
But alright, she started getting a little more pushy with this whole thing and I am like, "dude! I have to get walking here to lose some weight, yo!" and she is all, "hey there, I'm nuts, let's have a sit-down about insurance rates and mortality for middle class blah blah blah and you sellin' it!" and I started getting seriously creeped out every time I went past her place because I worried she would be watching from her blinded windows and come and attack me with insurance quotes and numerous requests to join her on the Dark Side and sell insurance as her little insurance bitch.
Then, for a blessed while, it was all nice and quiet on that corner. It was a good chunk of months there, actually. I was permitted to go on in my head-down way, enjoying nature and making the barest of eye contact with other humans and letting dogs sniff my hands and watching hummingbirds and snapping pictures of the weird-ass things I see every so often in my neighborhood. And then, she reappeared!
Ok, Candi has this funky little dog that I can't place the breed but to me he looks like a grey, little pig dog. He must be a chihuahua something mix...But seriously, he looks like a skinny, little, grey pig-dog...and very naked. This dog's got his balls dangling out, which I find obscene and like she should totally "fix" that. But whatever. So, I go on my walks and Candi starts reappearing in my life and I kind of just grit my teeth and bear it...the spaced out eyes, the continued asking about selling insurance, prying into my life and what I'm up to and asking whether or not I am going to get some "skinny jeans" to complement my loss of weight...er. All the while holding the leash of her nutsy little dog, who barks his head off at everything and everyone and tries to make a run for it every chance he gets. Bleh. My mind screams, "escape escape!" every time I see this person.
Big Candi event number 2:
So, as I am hanging up the phone on Burka Bee, preparing for her upcoming visit, and stuffing a banana into my mouth, I look out my housewife (gossip hole) kitchen window and LO! what do I see? Candi's ugly little dog running off leash around the opposite neighbor's lush rock garden. I whisper to myself (as I duck down, afraid Candi is not far behind) between bites of banana, "what the fuck are you doing here, little...um...Bernard? Brutus? Bruno? whatever" and watch him proceed to pee on everything he can sniff. I stay crouched, waiting for the inevitable Candi to walk up behind him at some point, but minutes pass and I start to get suspicious. I go to the front door and peek out the window and see no one on the street. This little pig-dog is all alone and person-less! Well, it's not his fault his person is a nutjob so I go outside to see what's up with the dog. He sees me, cocks his head and trots a little ways off to pee on some more ornamental neighbor plants. I pat my knee and whistle at him, saying, "Come here..er...Brutus...or Bruno or whatever your name is! Your mommy's gonna be pissed! Come here little ugly pig-dog" But for some reason, he does not come. He just stands there cocking his ears at me and sidling off, looking alternately wary and mischievous. well, I am all about responsibility and stuff, so I decide to go up to Candi's house and let her know her ugly little dog is running around 2 blocks from her house off-leash. I take a quick walk up there and see her car in the drive and it actually gives me pause...like...maybe I shouldn't go knock on the door cause she will try to sell me insurance or make me sell insurance or something irritating like that. But I soldier on! "knock knock knock" I go and no answer. I try again and no answer. So I go home and try to coax ugly pig-dog again and he just laughs and runs off to pee on some palm-type plants. Now here, unfortunately, my story gets more involved. Candi, at some point during one of her monologues on the benefits of life insurance and how she needs (hos) help selling it, stuffed a business card in my pocket in case anyone I met would like to procure some life insurance at.that.moment. and I could help them out with her info. I kept the card (because I keep most everything) thinking it would be good to know her info in case I needed to ever call the cops on her (thinking ahead, you know). I seriously debated on using this card...like, If I call her up, she has my number in her phone forever and I will lose a bit more of my soul to her...if I don't call her up, that poor little ugly pig-dog will be without an owner and it's not his fault about all this...but if I call her up, I will have to speak directly to her...but if I don't then...bleh. I finished this internal dialogue with "well, she gave me her phone number, so if she is normal, it will be ok that I give my phone number" (By the way, she is NOT normal...). So I call the Crazy up. And the Crazy answers! And I am all, (now this is literally what I said) "Hi! I'm that Jessica girl who is always walking past your house every day? Yeah. Your little dog is, like, running around a few blocks from your house. I don't know if you let him just run around, but I haven't ever seen him off his leash, so I thought you should know" and she is all "ooooooooh! HI! Jessica! Oh! Bruno?! OH! Where is he?" and I give her the cross street where I espied him last and she lets me know she is on her way! I give myself a metaphorical pat on the back, all proud at my humanity and greatness of heart at helping a neighbor retrieve her ugly little pig-dog and then as I am about to press End on my phone, I hear her ask me to meet her and let her know where I saw him last. Crap!
I go outside and see her rounding the corner and I can't pretend that the house behind me is anything other than my house, since she sees me exiting it. Crap! "That your house?" she asks, obviously...I run quickly down the stairs and to the intersection "Yup, that's me" and move on towards where I last saw ugly pig-dog. She goes on about how naughty Bruno is and blah blah blah and "Thank you so much, neighbor, you're a great friend, blah blah blah" and I am like, "Why is he running around here anyway?" and she says, all mystified, "Well! I don't know! I locked him in the backyard but he must have escaped it!" and I am all, nonplussed, "Yeah, he must have escaped it." Duh. He hasn't gone far, what with the rampant need to pee on every plant or fixture he sees. We catch him another block and a half up, carefully inspecting some foliage in need of pig-dog urine. "Bruno!" she screams in this harpy-esque voice, "Bruno! Get back here!" and the dog, first smart thing I've seen him do, runs off in the other direction, grey pig-ears flapping in the wind. She doesn't run after him, she strolls. She tells me, instead, about how the doctor had just told her she has arthritis and how she blah blah blah (about one sentence into Candi's speeches, my brain turns to flight-mode and searches out all immediate exits and escapes, so I generally miss the meat of her soliloquies). As we slowly walk on, a concerned neighbor and her grandson look worriedly at us, asking if we are looking for a little dog. Candi is all about telling me of her arthritis and insurance or something, and does not pay attention. "Yes!" I call to the neighbor lady, "Which way did it go?" She points down another block and says something about good luck, but I am already hustling Candi down the street to get her frakking dog. At this point we see him again and I tell her that I have things to be done at home and she says Bruno looks like he is on his way back to her house anyway and "thank you neighbor, you're such a good friend" again stuff. Bleh..Also, this lady's really huggy...gross. So she hugs me a few times with me admonishing her to get the hell over to her stupid dog and like, chain him the frak up! cause he's obviously slippery and can get out of locked yards and such.
I figure...ordeal; dealt with! Then I get a text message...A TEXT MESSAGE! ON MY PHONE! from unknown number saying "Thank you, you're a great neighbor, Love you, C" I see this and match the number to the one I dialed to let Candi know about her dumb little dog and I freak out...feeling another bit of my soul dissolve into this woman's creepy clutches. I seriously considered changing my phone number right then and there. Also? Who the frak writes, "Love You" on a text message when they aren't an actual loved one? ew! That's just super freaking weird and disturbing.
end part deux