I still love Pandora
...even though I keep closing it by accident. The last few days/weeks/months have been an adventure. I can't begin to post about EVERYTHING that happened since last time I posted something, but I wanted to say something.
I've started scrapbooking, mostly because it has absolutely nothing to do with legal casebooks. The rest of my life is mostly by-the-books...literally. In fact, I should be working on my research project right now. Meh. I did learn some awesome research strategies for this project though. I may have just mastered "work smarter, not harder"! As long as I get all the info I need, I don't really care.
Something I've noticed lately--and by lately I mean during most of my stuck-in-traffic musings to myself while coming home from class every day--is that my life as of late is so routine. It's comforting in a way, but it's also starting to get to me. I notice myself acting differently sometimes just to see what happens. I notice that I can be really obnoxious or irritating when I want to break the monotony and then I retract back into myself and beat myself up for lashing out in a stupid way...but inside I'm kinda screaming for anything to be different. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with my life and the things and people in it. I'm just not dealing well with the incredibly rote existence I've eked out for myself. When I'm working, I wish I were slacking off and doing nothing for just a little while...but then when I'm relaxing I either feel guilty (if I shouldn't be) or very bored and apathetic. I don't really like either feeling and the scrapooking helps to keep me busy while I relax (if that makes any sense) but the feeling's still there.
Another thing is that even though life is good in so many ways, there's this bad feeling I can't shake about something...and I can't even put my finger on what. It's been like that for a while now and I've changed my mind several times about what I thought was causing it, but addressing each of those potential causes in turn hasn't improved anything. On more that one occasion this feeling of impending doom has made me so hypersensitive that I've gotten into rather large-scale arguments with people over the littlest things. Oh well. I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually...hopefully sooner rather than later.
There are some events/time periods in my life that I never really bothered to reconcile within myself, and when they come up they somehow manage to reduce me to a useless emotional mess for longer than I'd like. I'm trying to slowly but surely work on settling them because I'm acting in a way that makes it seem that they ARE settled (if that makes any sense). Even though I'm outwardly making it seem that things are fine and whatnot, the inner turmoil is in full swing. My life is that metaphor about the duck who looks all composed above water but is paddling like crazy under the surface where nobody can see. I'm getting tired from all that masking and hiding and ignoring I'd like to just move on...once and for all. I just can't really figure out how to. Part of me is in favor of taking in more of the poison and submersing myself in it long enough to just fix it and move on but the rest of me--a larger part--doesn't want to go anywhere near the issues that may come up from doing things that way. I'll probably continue to work on things slowly but surely and see how things turn out. Hiding things from everyone works okay, especially if I can hide them from myself too. Or something.
I wish I could take the good parts of the person I was in many of those periods I'm glad are in the past and mesh that with the persona I've assumed as of late. That would probably be the most accurate and fulfilling way to express myself as I want to be. I only feel partially right about being the "me" I am right now. I just feel like I need to stretch in more ways than one. Why that makes me withdraw back into myself I don't know.
I've started scrapbooking, mostly because it has absolutely nothing to do with legal casebooks. The rest of my life is mostly by-the-books...literally. In fact, I should be working on my research project right now. Meh. I did learn some awesome research strategies for this project though. I may have just mastered "work smarter, not harder"! As long as I get all the info I need, I don't really care.
Something I've noticed lately--and by lately I mean during most of my stuck-in-traffic musings to myself while coming home from class every day--is that my life as of late is so routine. It's comforting in a way, but it's also starting to get to me. I notice myself acting differently sometimes just to see what happens. I notice that I can be really obnoxious or irritating when I want to break the monotony and then I retract back into myself and beat myself up for lashing out in a stupid way...but inside I'm kinda screaming for anything to be different. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with my life and the things and people in it. I'm just not dealing well with the incredibly rote existence I've eked out for myself. When I'm working, I wish I were slacking off and doing nothing for just a little while...but then when I'm relaxing I either feel guilty (if I shouldn't be) or very bored and apathetic. I don't really like either feeling and the scrapooking helps to keep me busy while I relax (if that makes any sense) but the feeling's still there.
Another thing is that even though life is good in so many ways, there's this bad feeling I can't shake about something...and I can't even put my finger on what. It's been like that for a while now and I've changed my mind several times about what I thought was causing it, but addressing each of those potential causes in turn hasn't improved anything. On more that one occasion this feeling of impending doom has made me so hypersensitive that I've gotten into rather large-scale arguments with people over the littlest things. Oh well. I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually...hopefully sooner rather than later.
There are some events/time periods in my life that I never really bothered to reconcile within myself, and when they come up they somehow manage to reduce me to a useless emotional mess for longer than I'd like. I'm trying to slowly but surely work on settling them because I'm acting in a way that makes it seem that they ARE settled (if that makes any sense). Even though I'm outwardly making it seem that things are fine and whatnot, the inner turmoil is in full swing. My life is that metaphor about the duck who looks all composed above water but is paddling like crazy under the surface where nobody can see. I'm getting tired from all that masking and hiding and ignoring I'd like to just move on...once and for all. I just can't really figure out how to. Part of me is in favor of taking in more of the poison and submersing myself in it long enough to just fix it and move on but the rest of me--a larger part--doesn't want to go anywhere near the issues that may come up from doing things that way. I'll probably continue to work on things slowly but surely and see how things turn out. Hiding things from everyone works okay, especially if I can hide them from myself too. Or something.
I wish I could take the good parts of the person I was in many of those periods I'm glad are in the past and mesh that with the persona I've assumed as of late. That would probably be the most accurate and fulfilling way to express myself as I want to be. I only feel partially right about being the "me" I am right now. I just feel like I need to stretch in more ways than one. Why that makes me withdraw back into myself I don't know.