Goodbye 2009 and Good Riddance
Sadly enough, I will not miss 2009. The only month of 2009 that I will miss will be August. August was when summer finally began since June and July were almost entirely rain. Plus we had swimming at Clearwater Lake, the Twilight Series, finally figuring our future out, the trip to Machias, getting engaged, and just lots of fun with Cory and a almost-back-to-her-old-self Megan since Justin had left a month earlier. I can narrow the downfall of 2009 to one moment, a moment that I have repeatedly written about in my livejournals this year: February 7th, 2009. It is still incredible to me that a roughly five minute fight between Chris and Johanna is what would ruin this year and our group of friends forever. All of the friendships that we had formed and I thought would potentially last for years after we had moved away were shattered irreparably and permanently in that fight and its aftermath.
I haven't thought a lot about that fight for like six months until recently when I was looking back through some of my older livejournals and Facebook messages. But it's still incredible to me. It really was just a civil war between the members of this "group". It's still very sad to me how predictably people change when they no longer have any incentive to remain good friends. Take Justin and Megan for instance in this situation. When I had my fight with Johanna in February 2008, they both remained loyal. They refused to continue hanging out with her and didn't even really speak to her after that fight. Plus, that entire year as a whole they were both far nicer to me and Chris and they would have NEVER behaved in the way that they did towards the end of the year last year. Writings nasty Facebook messages about us, refusing to stay up late for Chris' birthday, not even thinking to invite Chris to Graduation, etc. And why? I have thought a lot about this and I can narrow it down to two main reasons: 1) Matt's presence and 2) The time until Graduation.
First, Matt's presence. What I mean by this is - not to draw historical analogies but I can't help it - Matt served as what I would call the "Britain" of the situation between Justin and Megan on the one hand and Chris and me on the other. During the colonial rule of India by Great Britain which ended in 1948, the Hindus and Muslims of India had come to an agreement that said pretty much "look, we have issues with you, but we have bigger issues with the British. So as long as the British are here we are going to play nice and not make a big deal out of our issues with you." Then, when the British left in 1948 the Hindus and Muslims completely altered their stance and began fighting amongst each other. My comparison with Matt is that Justin and Megan always had issues with Chris and me. Chris was very critical of Justin, I was very critical of Megan, etc. But when Matt was here they were FAR more concerned with him being asshole-drunk at their apartment, their fear of him damaging their apartment, anger at him flipping them off and annoyance at him holding grudges against them and talking all of the time, etc., plus Justin's bitter resentment at yet another roommate who DARED to interfere with his sleeping schedule while him and Matt were roommates. Either way, for the 2007-2008 school year Chris and me almost NEVER had any disputes with Justin or Megan. They rarely talked about us behind our backs, or criticized us publicly, or refused to loan us money or any other favors that we wanted from them, BECAUSE they desperately wanted to maintain good terms with Chris and me because of their issues with Matt. But then when Matt left everything changed. They no longer had their issues with him and were free to take up their issues with us. This was not apparent for the beginning part of the year because Johanna was back hanging out with us and the group was getting along as a whole. But then after the Feb. 7th fight it became clear just how apparent the change was. Like I said, after my fight with Johanna in Feb. 2008 they did everything I asked of them; kept hanging out with only me, didn't talk to her, and just stayed loyal overall. I had no desire to reconcile with Johanna at that time because there had been constant fights between Johanna and others the few months preceding our fight, a fundamental difference between that fight and the one with Chris a year later when we had all gotten along from September-February. But then after Chris' Feb. 2009 fight they did the exact opposite. Megan refused to help; Justin not only refused to help but continued getting his dick sucked by her which he did admitted to me was the only damn reason he kept in contact with her to begin with. I mean neither of them EVER liked her; all they ever did was complain about how much of a psycho she was. Justin even called her the "most socially awkward person he had ever met". But Justin has always been so selfish that of course he wasn't going to take sides against his one fuck buddy. A friendship with him has always been skin deep. He's a great guy to party with and have fun times with, but the second you want MORE than that superficial friendship and get into stuff like honesty, trustworthiness, and loyalty then forget it. Either way, I am 100% positive that the difference between their attitudes in Feb. 2008 and Feb. 2009 was entirely because of Matt's presence and then absence, and this next reason.
The second reason is because of the time until Graduation. In Feb. 2008 when they still had over a year left to have to hang out with us and each other, they weren't about to go and start serious fights with us or do things to piss off their closest friends. But then in Feb. 2009 when they had only three months left until Graduation, of course they didn't care anymore. This is entirely illustrated by Justin's line in his message to Megan in April to "just remember, as I do, that this will all soon be over." Just proving my point. He's consoling her and telling her to think like he does in that he doesn't need to put up with any shit for much longer so why bother caring, trying, or giving up his free blowjobs. Matt was gone so they had no need for good terms with us, and they were leaving soon so worst case scenario they had to put up with bad terms with us for a couple of months. Big deal right? If I needed anymore proof of this theory I got it on July 1st when Chris, me, AND Cory all saw a COMPLETE change in Megan's behavior from the previous few months. Take one guess why that date was important....hmmmm. I'll fill that one in for whoever reads this: It was the day that Justin moved home. MY GOSH. What a fucking surprise that Megan went back to being her old self (mostly) right after Justin leaves, and now that she no longer has him to bitch to or back her up, but didn't have the courage to stand up to us on her own. And it wasn't just Megan. I also noticed that the second that Johanna moved out of town around the exact same time, Justine turned a complete 180 as well, inviting Chris back to the Buddhist meetings on a far more frequent basis and becoming MUCH nicer and friendlier towards us again.
What a crock of shit these people are. Whatever other issues people may have with Chris and me, at least no one can EVER deny that we are who we are. We are straight up people who let people know when we have issues. We are trustworthy, loyal, honorable, and don't go talking shit about people behind their backs UNLESS we have already let that person know straight to their face that we have that issue with them. Not like the cowards we thought were our good friends. Justin also wrote to her that Chris and me "like to shame everyone and put down anyone who isn't Chris and Brad" and that we "have major issues with everyone we know". Also lies. I don't ENJOY shaming or putting down ANYONE. These were my friends who I had lots of fun times with over the years. It gave me NO pleasure whatsoever to disagree with them about any of this shit. The thing I wanted more than ANYTHING was for us all to get along and continue having fun times through the end of the year with NO drama. What Justin never got about my obsession with that fight with Johanna is that it was precisely my desire to NOT have drama and negativity that made me obsess over it. It wasn't the conflict itself that I obsessed over, it was my insane desire to RECONCILE the conflict so that we could all go back to being friends and having fun, Johanna included. He never looked at the situation logically. The "group" of February 6th: me, Chris, Justin, Megan, Andrew, Johanna, Colleen, and occasionally Emily and Isaac, was a group with very little to no drama, no serious issues, and tons of fun. The group of February 7th: me, Chris, Justin, Megan, Andrew, and occasionally Isaac, was a much smaller group now that we had lost Johanna and by consequence the friends that were closer to her: Colleen and Emily, and a group that had serious issues because of the anger and resentment that developed from the rift that occurred. Chris and me were tugging the "neutrals" in one way and Johanna was tugging them in another. Rather than a big, united group all hanging out together with no issues you had two smaller groups with the "leaders" of those groups applying pressure to the "neutrals" to take their respective side. But once again, Justin never got that my pressure for loyalty from him and Megan was not to prolong the conflict, but to end it. Colleen admitted to me at one point that if Megan or Justin (or both preferably) had just told Johanna that they agreed with Chris, that Johanna would have caved and apologized to Chris. The only reason Johanna kept up her resistance and stubborness is because NO ONE other than me was telling Johanna she was wrong in that fight. I mean Justin made it clear that what he hated most about us last year was us bothering him about the Johanna situation, when if he had just taken like FIVE minutes of his time to tell Johanna he agreed with Chris and encouraged Megan to do the same, it would have been over right then and there, and he would not have heard another word about it from us. He never realized that all of those months of hassle and pressure he so resented would never have existed if he had just been a good friend and nipped it in the bud. And it's not just immature drama that this type of logic applies to. I mean Justin may think that he was being "mature" or some shit by staying out of it and refusing to mediate, but if you look at international relations for instance, even countries that are thousands of years old have disputes that need third-party, neutral participants to mediate them.
And it isn't like I EVER asked anything of him that I hadn't already done for him. I had realized the logic I just stated years earlier. In all of the conflicts I had mediated in the past I always saw the profound benefits of nipping it in the bud so to speak and ending it before it turned really nasty. I didn't want to hear about the drama or deal with it either, which is exactly WHY I intervented to mediate. The way I saw it if I nip this in the bud today and act in a neutral-active way it can be over quickly, but if I leave it alone and stay neutral-passive like everyone else did last year then NOTHING will get accomplished, the acrimony will exacerbate, and more and more fun times will be lost out on.. Human beings are stubborn and incorrigible by nature. Whether you agree with them acting that way or not is irrelevant, you just need to be realistic and do yourself and everyone else a favor by doing everything you can to end conflicts right after they begin. For instance, when Neil and Scott had their fist fights at Perham Street, the first thing we all did the next day or so was talk to them both, hear them out on their issues, and then compromise with them both on how to end that conflict and avoid future ones. And it generally worked. When Justin and Johanna got into a big fight at Cherries in October 2007, Colleen and I went to see Johanna hours afterwards to talk to her about it and we pointed out how we felt she might be taking out her anger at him on him rejecting her when she made it clear she wanted to go out with him and their underlying sexual tension from their several failed attempts in the previous few weeks. And it worked. Johanna apologized to Justin a little while later that night, he apologized back, and they went back to being peaceful and everyone won because of it. Whereas if I had chosen not to involve myself who knows how much longer it would have lasted, and one thing I have seen is that the longer conflicts last the nastier they get because it gives people more and more time to say things about each other and do things to subvert the other in their anger. For instance, I was mad at Johanna in February for starting the fight and costing us time with each other. But I was a lot more mad in March when we missed Emily's 21st birthday because of the conflict. And a lot more mad still in April and then in May as time ran out and I saw those nasty messages Justin had written about us, no one gave two shits about Chris' birthday, and Graduation turned out to be a depressing and resentful time for us all. All of this stems back to that fight.
And another thing from Justin's message that he clearly doesn't get: I can't MAKE anyone feel shame. If he FELT shame about any of his actions after conversations with me, then maybe he should have thought about that for a second. Maybe that was because he HAD DONE SOMETHING WRONG, which would thus MAKE him feel shame. But that never occurred to him. It never occurred to him that no one can MAKE anyone else feel shame about anything, it only happens if there is a valid reason for it. Justin knew that Chris and me had been great friends to him over the years, we had resolved countless disputes for him, loaned him tons of money on many occasions, and had given him a million fun times and parties that he wouldn't have had if he hadn't been friends with us. Thus him talking about us behind our backs, writing nasty messages, and trading loyalty for blowjobs was WRONG in the friendship playbook of any SANE person.
And as for us having "major issues with everyone we know", you find me a person who values friendships and has morals that wouldn't have thought we were JUSTIFIED in being upset with our friends this spring. He makes it sound like we ALWAYS had issues with everyone we know, but that is just bullshit. The only MAJOR issue I had with ANY of my friends over the years was with Neil. I haven't forgotten nor will I ever forgive or forget his behavior towards me from December-March of 2003-2004. What he did was inexcusable and wrong on every level. But that was the only MAJOR issue I had with anyone before the Feb. 7th fight. I had minor issues with Scott for the first month he was at UMF, Matt at the end of Perham Street, Megan on and off for a year about her sticking up for Neil (but that stemmed from my lingering anger towards Neil once again), and I mean I have been friends with most of these people for two, three, four years or more. And my issues with everyone last year I have already explained numerous times on here. But either way, with the exception of brief issues a long time ago the only time I have ever had issues with "everyone I know" as Justin writes was the end of last year because of a number of what I believe were valid and justified reasons.
I have always and do always feel like no one ever was grateful for the role I performed countless times in our "group" over the years. The role I speak of was to nine times out of ten be the person who had to shoulder the task of having the uncomforable chat to end a conflict. I had to do it with Gordon, Amanda, Johanna, Neil Silkman, Jon Bubier, Sean Parks, and many others. Whether a frienship dispute or lawsuit, it was almost always me bearing the burden. But I don't regret it or resent it. I resent that no one acknowledged or appreciated it, but I don't resent doing it. The way I view it you have to weigh the pros and cons of having those talks. For instance, I desperately did not want to spend an hour on the phone with Gordon, but by doing so I was able to get him to agree to our mediation agreement, thus expediting and guaranteeing the return of our $1,500 dollars. I didn't want to talk to Johanna on my 23rd birthday in October 2006, but by doing so I got her back into the group with no conflicts for over a year afterwards. I almost do it like a math equation. For example, say that Johanna hung out with us 1 time per week for 4 hours for 1 year after that talk and we always got along. That's a total of 208 hours of fun times with Johanna for 1 hour of uncomfortable talking time. The most recent example of that was just two years ago. In May 2008 I went to talk to Johanna for an hour to reconcile our issues from our February 5th, 2008 fight. We talked for one hour, and after that she hung out with us again without conflict from September-February 7th, 2009. That was an extra five months of hanging out with her that we would not have gotten if I hadn't talked to her for that hour. And she hung out with us a lot during that time period. Not just one night a week but several and for most of the party.
It isn't like Chris and I weren't aware of the issues that our friends have with us. I know that we ask for a lot, but we also GIVE a lot more than we ask, and we NEVER once asked for something that we weren't willing to give. We want loyalty, honesty, trustworthiness, and at least partial reciprocity from our friends. I know it sounds idealistic and Boy Scoutish for me to say those qualities, and that no one is really like that in real life. But I think that Chris and I have proven that it is possible. We both have tempers. We both have our negative qualties certainly, but who doesn't? I think that overall what bothers me most about our friends is the lack of gratitude that we've gotten, Chris especially. I mean at one time or another Matt, Scott, Johanna, Justin, Megan, Andrew, and Isaac were all not wanted around by at LEAST two or three of those listed. I am guilty of that as well unfortunately in Matt and Scott's case initally. I had my issues with them at first but Chris convinced me to be patient and she was right. I ended up great friends with both of them and I never regretted it for one second. I think that Matt and Scott are the only two people out of all of our friends who WERE grateful and recognized the sacrifices that Chris had made for them. And one thing that everyone seemed to forget about her is: she has Borderline Personality Disorder. All of those things that most of our friends didn't like about Chris; how demanding she was; how easily she lost her temper; how scary she was when she was angry; all of those qualities were a direct result of her Disorder and I think that she did an incredible job coping with it and still being a great friend and a great person to all of those people. But whatever.
Ultimately though, the only real tragedy out of this entire situation that will always haunt me is the destruction of the friendship between Chris and Megan. Megan gave me a tear-stained statement during my three-hour discussion with her and Justin back on March 15th, in which she said that she was scared about losing Chris after this year the way she had lost her other best friends in the past. I felt it was sincere, genuine, and honest. I pitied her as I pity Chris now. But, as Chris said to me when I told her about what Megan had said "I would have left her physically by moving away, but I wouldn't have really LEFT her, because I would have made efforts to remain a close friend in close contact with her." And to be honest, anything was still possible. If Megan had just turned out to be a good friend this year, maybe we could have made efforts to be near her where we moved. Who knows. It's just another best friend lost for her. But then again as Chris says "if she was really the best friend I thought she was, she never would have or could have acted like she did." I mean what did we really ask of Megan that made her turn so negative? That she write a quick message to Johanna explaining that she wasn't going to keep in contact with her until she apologized to Chris. What a terrible thing to ask. For her to take 30 seconds out of her day to write a message that would have actually made Johanna LESS mad at her than she already was since Megan had simply ignored her when she had tried to contact her. Whatever. None of that matters anymore, that's for sure. She's gone and is proving she's JUST like everyone else. She has owed us money and ignored most of my messages to try to contact her about it. She's turned an incredibly EASY matter of getting us our money and our video game into something ridiculously (or rediculously for Megan) drawn out and complex. Like I said, the moment people no longer have incentives to keep in contact and be a good friend they change entirely.
So yeah, overall this year was not a good one. With the exception of August and the good things of that month the others have not been good overall. January was the 5-year anniversary of Chris and me, which turned out to be more of a downer month for our own reasons since she was upset over our lack of engagement. February-May were bad because of the fight with Johanna and issues with our friends. June and July were shitty because they were pretty much entirely RAIN and the summer was like ruined due to it. September-December were incredibly stressful times from Chris' Pre Med, my LSAT, Sonia's legal issues, and then of course Megan's departure. I think that 2009 is the first year of my life probably where I felt like it was overall more negative than positive. I still had a lot of fun times in it, but overall it was just not like previous years. Not even close.
I haven't thought a lot about that fight for like six months until recently when I was looking back through some of my older livejournals and Facebook messages. But it's still incredible to me. It really was just a civil war between the members of this "group". It's still very sad to me how predictably people change when they no longer have any incentive to remain good friends. Take Justin and Megan for instance in this situation. When I had my fight with Johanna in February 2008, they both remained loyal. They refused to continue hanging out with her and didn't even really speak to her after that fight. Plus, that entire year as a whole they were both far nicer to me and Chris and they would have NEVER behaved in the way that they did towards the end of the year last year. Writings nasty Facebook messages about us, refusing to stay up late for Chris' birthday, not even thinking to invite Chris to Graduation, etc. And why? I have thought a lot about this and I can narrow it down to two main reasons: 1) Matt's presence and 2) The time until Graduation.
First, Matt's presence. What I mean by this is - not to draw historical analogies but I can't help it - Matt served as what I would call the "Britain" of the situation between Justin and Megan on the one hand and Chris and me on the other. During the colonial rule of India by Great Britain which ended in 1948, the Hindus and Muslims of India had come to an agreement that said pretty much "look, we have issues with you, but we have bigger issues with the British. So as long as the British are here we are going to play nice and not make a big deal out of our issues with you." Then, when the British left in 1948 the Hindus and Muslims completely altered their stance and began fighting amongst each other. My comparison with Matt is that Justin and Megan always had issues with Chris and me. Chris was very critical of Justin, I was very critical of Megan, etc. But when Matt was here they were FAR more concerned with him being asshole-drunk at their apartment, their fear of him damaging their apartment, anger at him flipping them off and annoyance at him holding grudges against them and talking all of the time, etc., plus Justin's bitter resentment at yet another roommate who DARED to interfere with his sleeping schedule while him and Matt were roommates. Either way, for the 2007-2008 school year Chris and me almost NEVER had any disputes with Justin or Megan. They rarely talked about us behind our backs, or criticized us publicly, or refused to loan us money or any other favors that we wanted from them, BECAUSE they desperately wanted to maintain good terms with Chris and me because of their issues with Matt. But then when Matt left everything changed. They no longer had their issues with him and were free to take up their issues with us. This was not apparent for the beginning part of the year because Johanna was back hanging out with us and the group was getting along as a whole. But then after the Feb. 7th fight it became clear just how apparent the change was. Like I said, after my fight with Johanna in Feb. 2008 they did everything I asked of them; kept hanging out with only me, didn't talk to her, and just stayed loyal overall. I had no desire to reconcile with Johanna at that time because there had been constant fights between Johanna and others the few months preceding our fight, a fundamental difference between that fight and the one with Chris a year later when we had all gotten along from September-February. But then after Chris' Feb. 2009 fight they did the exact opposite. Megan refused to help; Justin not only refused to help but continued getting his dick sucked by her which he did admitted to me was the only damn reason he kept in contact with her to begin with. I mean neither of them EVER liked her; all they ever did was complain about how much of a psycho she was. Justin even called her the "most socially awkward person he had ever met". But Justin has always been so selfish that of course he wasn't going to take sides against his one fuck buddy. A friendship with him has always been skin deep. He's a great guy to party with and have fun times with, but the second you want MORE than that superficial friendship and get into stuff like honesty, trustworthiness, and loyalty then forget it. Either way, I am 100% positive that the difference between their attitudes in Feb. 2008 and Feb. 2009 was entirely because of Matt's presence and then absence, and this next reason.
The second reason is because of the time until Graduation. In Feb. 2008 when they still had over a year left to have to hang out with us and each other, they weren't about to go and start serious fights with us or do things to piss off their closest friends. But then in Feb. 2009 when they had only three months left until Graduation, of course they didn't care anymore. This is entirely illustrated by Justin's line in his message to Megan in April to "just remember, as I do, that this will all soon be over." Just proving my point. He's consoling her and telling her to think like he does in that he doesn't need to put up with any shit for much longer so why bother caring, trying, or giving up his free blowjobs. Matt was gone so they had no need for good terms with us, and they were leaving soon so worst case scenario they had to put up with bad terms with us for a couple of months. Big deal right? If I needed anymore proof of this theory I got it on July 1st when Chris, me, AND Cory all saw a COMPLETE change in Megan's behavior from the previous few months. Take one guess why that date was important....hmmmm. I'll fill that one in for whoever reads this: It was the day that Justin moved home. MY GOSH. What a fucking surprise that Megan went back to being her old self (mostly) right after Justin leaves, and now that she no longer has him to bitch to or back her up, but didn't have the courage to stand up to us on her own. And it wasn't just Megan. I also noticed that the second that Johanna moved out of town around the exact same time, Justine turned a complete 180 as well, inviting Chris back to the Buddhist meetings on a far more frequent basis and becoming MUCH nicer and friendlier towards us again.
What a crock of shit these people are. Whatever other issues people may have with Chris and me, at least no one can EVER deny that we are who we are. We are straight up people who let people know when we have issues. We are trustworthy, loyal, honorable, and don't go talking shit about people behind their backs UNLESS we have already let that person know straight to their face that we have that issue with them. Not like the cowards we thought were our good friends. Justin also wrote to her that Chris and me "like to shame everyone and put down anyone who isn't Chris and Brad" and that we "have major issues with everyone we know". Also lies. I don't ENJOY shaming or putting down ANYONE. These were my friends who I had lots of fun times with over the years. It gave me NO pleasure whatsoever to disagree with them about any of this shit. The thing I wanted more than ANYTHING was for us all to get along and continue having fun times through the end of the year with NO drama. What Justin never got about my obsession with that fight with Johanna is that it was precisely my desire to NOT have drama and negativity that made me obsess over it. It wasn't the conflict itself that I obsessed over, it was my insane desire to RECONCILE the conflict so that we could all go back to being friends and having fun, Johanna included. He never looked at the situation logically. The "group" of February 6th: me, Chris, Justin, Megan, Andrew, Johanna, Colleen, and occasionally Emily and Isaac, was a group with very little to no drama, no serious issues, and tons of fun. The group of February 7th: me, Chris, Justin, Megan, Andrew, and occasionally Isaac, was a much smaller group now that we had lost Johanna and by consequence the friends that were closer to her: Colleen and Emily, and a group that had serious issues because of the anger and resentment that developed from the rift that occurred. Chris and me were tugging the "neutrals" in one way and Johanna was tugging them in another. Rather than a big, united group all hanging out together with no issues you had two smaller groups with the "leaders" of those groups applying pressure to the "neutrals" to take their respective side. But once again, Justin never got that my pressure for loyalty from him and Megan was not to prolong the conflict, but to end it. Colleen admitted to me at one point that if Megan or Justin (or both preferably) had just told Johanna that they agreed with Chris, that Johanna would have caved and apologized to Chris. The only reason Johanna kept up her resistance and stubborness is because NO ONE other than me was telling Johanna she was wrong in that fight. I mean Justin made it clear that what he hated most about us last year was us bothering him about the Johanna situation, when if he had just taken like FIVE minutes of his time to tell Johanna he agreed with Chris and encouraged Megan to do the same, it would have been over right then and there, and he would not have heard another word about it from us. He never realized that all of those months of hassle and pressure he so resented would never have existed if he had just been a good friend and nipped it in the bud. And it's not just immature drama that this type of logic applies to. I mean Justin may think that he was being "mature" or some shit by staying out of it and refusing to mediate, but if you look at international relations for instance, even countries that are thousands of years old have disputes that need third-party, neutral participants to mediate them.
And it isn't like I EVER asked anything of him that I hadn't already done for him. I had realized the logic I just stated years earlier. In all of the conflicts I had mediated in the past I always saw the profound benefits of nipping it in the bud so to speak and ending it before it turned really nasty. I didn't want to hear about the drama or deal with it either, which is exactly WHY I intervented to mediate. The way I saw it if I nip this in the bud today and act in a neutral-active way it can be over quickly, but if I leave it alone and stay neutral-passive like everyone else did last year then NOTHING will get accomplished, the acrimony will exacerbate, and more and more fun times will be lost out on.. Human beings are stubborn and incorrigible by nature. Whether you agree with them acting that way or not is irrelevant, you just need to be realistic and do yourself and everyone else a favor by doing everything you can to end conflicts right after they begin. For instance, when Neil and Scott had their fist fights at Perham Street, the first thing we all did the next day or so was talk to them both, hear them out on their issues, and then compromise with them both on how to end that conflict and avoid future ones. And it generally worked. When Justin and Johanna got into a big fight at Cherries in October 2007, Colleen and I went to see Johanna hours afterwards to talk to her about it and we pointed out how we felt she might be taking out her anger at him on him rejecting her when she made it clear she wanted to go out with him and their underlying sexual tension from their several failed attempts in the previous few weeks. And it worked. Johanna apologized to Justin a little while later that night, he apologized back, and they went back to being peaceful and everyone won because of it. Whereas if I had chosen not to involve myself who knows how much longer it would have lasted, and one thing I have seen is that the longer conflicts last the nastier they get because it gives people more and more time to say things about each other and do things to subvert the other in their anger. For instance, I was mad at Johanna in February for starting the fight and costing us time with each other. But I was a lot more mad in March when we missed Emily's 21st birthday because of the conflict. And a lot more mad still in April and then in May as time ran out and I saw those nasty messages Justin had written about us, no one gave two shits about Chris' birthday, and Graduation turned out to be a depressing and resentful time for us all. All of this stems back to that fight.
And another thing from Justin's message that he clearly doesn't get: I can't MAKE anyone feel shame. If he FELT shame about any of his actions after conversations with me, then maybe he should have thought about that for a second. Maybe that was because he HAD DONE SOMETHING WRONG, which would thus MAKE him feel shame. But that never occurred to him. It never occurred to him that no one can MAKE anyone else feel shame about anything, it only happens if there is a valid reason for it. Justin knew that Chris and me had been great friends to him over the years, we had resolved countless disputes for him, loaned him tons of money on many occasions, and had given him a million fun times and parties that he wouldn't have had if he hadn't been friends with us. Thus him talking about us behind our backs, writing nasty messages, and trading loyalty for blowjobs was WRONG in the friendship playbook of any SANE person.
And as for us having "major issues with everyone we know", you find me a person who values friendships and has morals that wouldn't have thought we were JUSTIFIED in being upset with our friends this spring. He makes it sound like we ALWAYS had issues with everyone we know, but that is just bullshit. The only MAJOR issue I had with ANY of my friends over the years was with Neil. I haven't forgotten nor will I ever forgive or forget his behavior towards me from December-March of 2003-2004. What he did was inexcusable and wrong on every level. But that was the only MAJOR issue I had with anyone before the Feb. 7th fight. I had minor issues with Scott for the first month he was at UMF, Matt at the end of Perham Street, Megan on and off for a year about her sticking up for Neil (but that stemmed from my lingering anger towards Neil once again), and I mean I have been friends with most of these people for two, three, four years or more. And my issues with everyone last year I have already explained numerous times on here. But either way, with the exception of brief issues a long time ago the only time I have ever had issues with "everyone I know" as Justin writes was the end of last year because of a number of what I believe were valid and justified reasons.
I have always and do always feel like no one ever was grateful for the role I performed countless times in our "group" over the years. The role I speak of was to nine times out of ten be the person who had to shoulder the task of having the uncomforable chat to end a conflict. I had to do it with Gordon, Amanda, Johanna, Neil Silkman, Jon Bubier, Sean Parks, and many others. Whether a frienship dispute or lawsuit, it was almost always me bearing the burden. But I don't regret it or resent it. I resent that no one acknowledged or appreciated it, but I don't resent doing it. The way I view it you have to weigh the pros and cons of having those talks. For instance, I desperately did not want to spend an hour on the phone with Gordon, but by doing so I was able to get him to agree to our mediation agreement, thus expediting and guaranteeing the return of our $1,500 dollars. I didn't want to talk to Johanna on my 23rd birthday in October 2006, but by doing so I got her back into the group with no conflicts for over a year afterwards. I almost do it like a math equation. For example, say that Johanna hung out with us 1 time per week for 4 hours for 1 year after that talk and we always got along. That's a total of 208 hours of fun times with Johanna for 1 hour of uncomfortable talking time. The most recent example of that was just two years ago. In May 2008 I went to talk to Johanna for an hour to reconcile our issues from our February 5th, 2008 fight. We talked for one hour, and after that she hung out with us again without conflict from September-February 7th, 2009. That was an extra five months of hanging out with her that we would not have gotten if I hadn't talked to her for that hour. And she hung out with us a lot during that time period. Not just one night a week but several and for most of the party.
It isn't like Chris and I weren't aware of the issues that our friends have with us. I know that we ask for a lot, but we also GIVE a lot more than we ask, and we NEVER once asked for something that we weren't willing to give. We want loyalty, honesty, trustworthiness, and at least partial reciprocity from our friends. I know it sounds idealistic and Boy Scoutish for me to say those qualities, and that no one is really like that in real life. But I think that Chris and I have proven that it is possible. We both have tempers. We both have our negative qualties certainly, but who doesn't? I think that overall what bothers me most about our friends is the lack of gratitude that we've gotten, Chris especially. I mean at one time or another Matt, Scott, Johanna, Justin, Megan, Andrew, and Isaac were all not wanted around by at LEAST two or three of those listed. I am guilty of that as well unfortunately in Matt and Scott's case initally. I had my issues with them at first but Chris convinced me to be patient and she was right. I ended up great friends with both of them and I never regretted it for one second. I think that Matt and Scott are the only two people out of all of our friends who WERE grateful and recognized the sacrifices that Chris had made for them. And one thing that everyone seemed to forget about her is: she has Borderline Personality Disorder. All of those things that most of our friends didn't like about Chris; how demanding she was; how easily she lost her temper; how scary she was when she was angry; all of those qualities were a direct result of her Disorder and I think that she did an incredible job coping with it and still being a great friend and a great person to all of those people. But whatever.
Ultimately though, the only real tragedy out of this entire situation that will always haunt me is the destruction of the friendship between Chris and Megan. Megan gave me a tear-stained statement during my three-hour discussion with her and Justin back on March 15th, in which she said that she was scared about losing Chris after this year the way she had lost her other best friends in the past. I felt it was sincere, genuine, and honest. I pitied her as I pity Chris now. But, as Chris said to me when I told her about what Megan had said "I would have left her physically by moving away, but I wouldn't have really LEFT her, because I would have made efforts to remain a close friend in close contact with her." And to be honest, anything was still possible. If Megan had just turned out to be a good friend this year, maybe we could have made efforts to be near her where we moved. Who knows. It's just another best friend lost for her. But then again as Chris says "if she was really the best friend I thought she was, she never would have or could have acted like she did." I mean what did we really ask of Megan that made her turn so negative? That she write a quick message to Johanna explaining that she wasn't going to keep in contact with her until she apologized to Chris. What a terrible thing to ask. For her to take 30 seconds out of her day to write a message that would have actually made Johanna LESS mad at her than she already was since Megan had simply ignored her when she had tried to contact her. Whatever. None of that matters anymore, that's for sure. She's gone and is proving she's JUST like everyone else. She has owed us money and ignored most of my messages to try to contact her about it. She's turned an incredibly EASY matter of getting us our money and our video game into something ridiculously (or rediculously for Megan) drawn out and complex. Like I said, the moment people no longer have incentives to keep in contact and be a good friend they change entirely.
So yeah, overall this year was not a good one. With the exception of August and the good things of that month the others have not been good overall. January was the 5-year anniversary of Chris and me, which turned out to be more of a downer month for our own reasons since she was upset over our lack of engagement. February-May were bad because of the fight with Johanna and issues with our friends. June and July were shitty because they were pretty much entirely RAIN and the summer was like ruined due to it. September-December were incredibly stressful times from Chris' Pre Med, my LSAT, Sonia's legal issues, and then of course Megan's departure. I think that 2009 is the first year of my life probably where I felt like it was overall more negative than positive. I still had a lot of fun times in it, but overall it was just not like previous years. Not even close.